07 June 2008

** Ten **

I'm being so fucked up and pissed right now. So here goes...i don't see why my parents teach me all this moral values and stuff when THEY themself don't do it. When i want to go out somewhere i fill up a form of the W.H. questions. I have to work my pants off just for a few hours out. And i'll leave de earliest or maybe so la. And everytime my mum comes and pick me up she gives me this pissed off face. That makes ME pissed off as well. And she'll jus start shouting at me like fucking shit's business. Then she'll shut up reaching the car and act all innocent. FUCKING HELL RIGHT?! Den my dad will think i'm pissed off for some reason. And he'll ask me to be polite to my mum. When i want to go out jus for hours i work my ass off. And most of the time it doesn work. But when it comes to their piece of shit which I practically DON'T CARE they drag me out on time. Owh fuck this shit. She's scolding me right now. These are one of the many reasons why i hate my life. Why i'm so emo. Why i'm shutting myself from them. I'm jus glad she didn see de guys. Fucking hell if she did...i'll have a bigger beating. Haih.
Somehow everything that i say is wrong to my mum. Everything i do is never enough. Does she expect me to be miss perfect barbie puppet?! Fact is i'm not like that. And i think she needs to realize that i'm getting old by the minute. And i need my freedom. Everytime i see not jus my friends but my cousins, i'm like WTF is wrong with my life man. I've never experienced not even a quarter of the things they have. I've never seen not even a speck of what they have seen. And i'm supposed to be 16 this year. I feel as if i'm still 12, sitting for my UPSR. It's not that i really bother if i go out or not at that time. But now i'm getting to feel like a caged bird. Like the cage now bared more chains that it has ever bared. As if the chains were gaining as the days go by. How long. How long are you gonna keep me in here. If your fear of my falling when i flap my wings adds to the chains, what good does it make for me. When i grow up. I'll live with that same silly fear. And i'll never fly high. Why can't you just hand me the key. Unlock all the chains. Open the cage. And let me go. I will come back. Why do you have to make me go to the stage where i have to go kicking and screaming to get out.
I'm really sorry. Maybe i wasn't the daughter you've always wanted. I'm sorry. Maybe you'd want to disown me. Really that's fine. I'm sorry. That i can't be who you wanted me to be. I'm sorry. I just can't put myself to change me. I like me. I'm sorry. I do say the wrong things. I'm sorry. I think out loud. I'm sorry. That i find it hard to talk to you. I'm sorry. I can't be perfect. I'm sorry. I'm not perfect. I'm sorry. I brought shame to your name. I'm sorry. I'm hot tempered. I'm sorry. I'm not patient. I'm sorry. I'm not the girly daughter you wanted. I'm sorry. My whole closet's full of black. I'm sorry. I disobeyed. I'm sorry. I yelled. I'm sorry. I sweared. I'm sorry. I screwed everything up. I'm sorry. I'm anti-social. I'm sorry. I'm not pretty. I'm sorry. I'm not smart. I'm sorry. I'm not helpful. I'm sorry. I'm so hopeless. I'm sorry. I'm so useless. I'm sorry. I'm so lazy. I'm sorry. I'm irresponsible. I'm sorry. I'm a bad example for my sister. I'm sorry. I lied. I'm sorry. I faked it. I'm sorry. I'm not bothered. I'm sorry. I'm slammed the door. I'm sorry. I screamed. I'm sorry. I stopped talking to you. I'm sorry. I distanced myself away. I'm sorry. I made you cry. I'm sorry. I complain too much. I'm sorry. I couldn't control myself. I'm so sorry. Sorry for everything. My imperfections. My retardedness. My idioticness. My stupidity. My ignorance. My rudeness. Myself. Everything. I'm sorry. I can't be who you want me to be. I'm sorry i cannot live up to your expectations. I'm sorry.
If i am bringing that much hurt, maybe i should jus disappear. Let invisiblity do it's wonders. I'm sorry. (my bad.i'm emo-ing.crying as well. Emo bar filled to the brim. Overflowing)

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