10 June 2012

First and foremost. Apologies for not updating the past few months. Didn't think you guys would be interested in the boring things i do on a daily basis at home. Alone. some awesome news bfore i touch on the more emotional stuff. Malaysia's First Slalom Series in Penang. :D Yes. By far the best ive done for speed slalom. All the while my time had been 10s either that or i'll dq. so yeah. big improvement. although i only got 4th. :) Was rather unexpected. I did really badly by my standards. Horrible performance. I was too tired. I did take part in slide. Unfortunately got injured during the finals and was unable to continue. Twas a waste to have fallen, but what's passed has passed. No used dwelling in it.

I figured i fell pretty hard. I sat there stunned for the moment as i couldnt move my leg. I seriously thought i tore something. I thought i'd have to quit skating for awhile. Rather scary thought. But the most rewarding thing about the competition wasn't the trophies or prizes, it was the fun times skating with all the participants from Indonesia, Thailand, and Singapore. Making new friends and learning from one another. The experience that comes with it. Seeing them, I realize i have a hell of a long way to go before i reach their standards but no doubt i'd reach it soon. Time to train up. :) Seriously looking forward to skating with everyone soon.


 Have you ever looked back at that one time in your life and wished you could just go back to that time and live through it all over again? I dont know.

I must be going mad.

Here I am. It has been years since we met. And I'm the one being delusional about it all. Struggling to keep what I held dear to. At that time, he saw me when no one else did and became my place of comfort. Then a turn of events brought us to here. Where I sit wondering why am I still doing this. Why am I still grasping onto something that I know very well will leave me. Why am I struggling to keep what I had when I know its never going to be the same. Why am I torturing myself into this ordeal. All for the simple reason of the feeling of euphoria I wanted to stay. I didn't want to sink back into the sorrowful past I had. I didn't want to fall back into the everyday motions of hating everything i had. I wanted to wake up happy.

I couldn't understand why was I so afraid to let go. I still dont.

 Maybe its because being happy meant a lot to me.

 Cliche as I type out the next line. The only reason why I hardly show I'm sad or depressed because things are complicated and I'd just tear up when people ask again. Its a lot easier to smile and pretend nothing is wrong. The reason why I decided to drink til my heart's content that night at Penang was because I was so sick and tired. I've been a tomboy most of the time but honestly I just need someone to treat me like a girl because most of the time I tend to become one of the boys. Not that its a bad thing. I was sick and tired of being the guy in the relationship. I was sick and tired of bending. I know relationships have their give and takes but it feels like I've been doing all the giving. But I cant exactly blame him.

 And then, you'd be wondering, all that complaining, why am I still fussing over this. Just leave.

 I'm not sure how. Things take time to heal.

 Honestly, how do you leave someone that gave you so much to remember. I am so used to people calling "cute" and "pretty", I no longer find value in those two words. Most of the people call me that. Not to boast. Just. It wouldve mattered a lot to me back maybe 6/7years that someone called me that because back then, no one would take a second glance at me. meh late bloomer i guess. plus maybe lacking self confidence.

 ah. drifted off topic.
 My brain is so fogged up right now.
 I'll make one more post bfore i leave for Singapore.
I need to sort out my emotions. Promise the next post be a happy one. :)

 Toodles, Rach