28 November 2009

you flick the switch. dump yourself on the couch. grab the remote on the way and place pressure on the infamous red button as you fall. the black screen in front of you comes alive.

"...And for today's weather forecast..."

you roll your eyes. wondering who in the world was the person before you. of all the useless channels in the programme they had to choose to watch the weather forecast. you press the info. hoping to find something worthwhile to watch as the lady in the screen continues.


then you watch her hold her left ear. or was it her right.

"...Excuse me..."

you stare at the screen wondering what the hell was going on. all the sudden the weather forecast was interesting. the lady cleared her throat and started again.

"...Today's weather forecast is cloudy with a bit of sun shine..."

your face changed. what?! how could it be cloudy with a bit of sun shine. make up your mind news lady and th weather forecast people. it can only be cloudy or sun shine. how can it be a bit of both.

frustrated. you turn off the screen. leave the place. your feet brings you to the silent darkness of the kitchen floor. you pull open the door. the light goes on. the cool air gushes out. nothing in the freezer. you slam it shut and move the the lower door. you pull the door open. the light goes on. you feel a slight tinge of coolness in your face. you spot a packet drink. you grab it and shut the door behind you. the cold surface lingers on you finger tips as you exit the kitchen. you stopped. stared at the packet.

"...Less Sugar..."

why. you ask. all these "less sugar" crap was made and is made for people who have problems controlling their need for sugar that they take too much and now its all in their blood. you ignore the print. yank out the straw. push it through the plastic. bend it to a ninety degrees and stabbed it into the designated hole. the cold liquid enters your mouth. you feel the solution slowly travelling down your throat. there is sweetness.

you check the packet.

"...Less Sugar..."

you take another sip. it taste the same as the original ones without the print of "less sugar" on them. you gulp down the last drops of the drink and toss it into the bin. so much for "less sugar".

the house is empty. you check the sky. cloudy. you shrug and figured it was cloudy and not sun shine. the weather people just say both to nake sure people cant say they're wrong. you stare into the sky. hoping the clouds turn grey. hoping the heavens shower upon you. hoping it would wash away everything. everything.

you turn the knob and pull. the door creaks. you swing the door close behind you. the door creaks again. you spot your phone on the bed. you spot the comfort of just lying there doing nothing. closing your eyes. forgetting everything. everything. and never have to open again. you sit at your table. staring at your shelves. you push away the curtains. cloudy. theres that silence. you find yourself sitting the dark abyss of dead silence. all you need is a couple of tombstones and some wondering ghosts.

you picked up your phone. flick it open. the screen lights up. you snap it close. toss it on your bed. you follow along soon after. now you stare at the ceiling. not white. grey. and deep grey. you hated the nothingness you stared at. you sigh. and let out more than the usual amount of carbon dioxide into the air. you reach for your phone again. flick it open. snap it close. obviously you are expecting something. irritated. you dump your phone aside. close your eyes. and hope to never open them again.

you feel a slight vibration. the tune you set to ring breaks the silence you grew numb to. you open your eyes. flick your phone open. you have a new text message. you press view.


you snap your phone and dump your phone again. twist the knob. pull open the door. it creaks and you shut it behind you. travel down the stairs. you go through the motion. wondering why everyone else feels different. it was like, they gave out an aura of the night fireworks at Disney Land and you gave out an aura of a meeting of math geeks doing nothing but math. you take spoon after spoon of food and shove it in your mouth. chews. and swallows it down. you finish everything and take your plate. dump it into the sink. take half a glass of water. and leave.

you sigh as you enter you room. turned on the lights.

you travel down. turn on the computer. hear it buzz to life.

after half an hour you were smiling. you dont know why. but...

"...Today's weather forecast is cloudy with a little bit of sun shine..."

16 November 2009

"...you've only got 86400 seconds in a day to turn it all around..."

god i dont even know what to type. somehow the closer it gets to SPM the further i am away from my books. day in day out i try to cramp things into my brain. honestly it doesnt work. so i'm stuck praying something i know comes out. i spent my morning stdying for a bit and then i started camwhoring again. i am in no position to draw. time like this when i jus want to fall asleep and never wake up. close my eyes and never open them. catch my breath and never exhale. lay static on the cold marble floor.

its amazing how i'm finishing school. how 11 years just flew by. how SPM is just few days away. how time flies. thank you for all the birthday wishes and staying up to wish me. somehow this feels like the worst birthday i've ever had. not because i didnt get to celebrate it. i sorta did with my family. not because i lack of presents. i dont really mind the presents. not because my friends arent around.

this is the one birthday. i wasn't laughing. i couldnt smile.

i cried. and slept.

and asked god why did he give me another day to live.

i wasn't sleeping at 12.30. for some whose phone call i didnt pick up.

my nose was clogged and i couldnt speak.


well i sang myself a birthday song before breaking down.

no actually i broke down halfway.

blew my imaginary cake.

went to sleep.

i guess i'll try to force my other half to study. i'm talking to myself more and more often now. its like...

"study rachel"
"tired la.."
"cannot tired all..SPM coming.."
"later la...lemme rest first..."
"you wanna fail your SPM issit?!?!"
"no...i sleep for half and hour only...den i wake up study..."
"fine..fine..half an hour.."
[2hours later]
"half an hour eh?!"
"my bad..."
"study now..."
"shower la.."
[after shower, dinner]
"study now!!!"
"let the food digest first la..."
"studying doesn't affect digestion..."
"aiya...chill la..."
"what chill SPM coming la..."
"Fine fine!! Study!!"
[i study for 2hours]
"i tired ade la...need to sleep"
"study la you...whole day wasted..."
"i study tomorrow la..."
[i sleep]

so practically i'm fighting with myself everyday.

honestly i dont think i'm sane anymore.


i'm hungry.

so much for a "happy" birthday.