** Two Hundred and Sixty Five **

I dont really understand some things...

Its been a rollercoaster ride and I feel like the bolts and screws are coming apart. Maybe its true somehow that I have unhealthy attachments. I mean, it should be as simple as, if you're not happy leave, if you're happy stay. Its so simple.

Honestly, I lacked confidence in many ways. More so of how I look. Obviously not the prettiest girl on earth. Neither photogenic nor video-genic. I always wanted to be those girls that people take second glances at when you walk down the street. I wanted to be those girls that get picked up by guys. Because for some reason, I liked the adoration they gave. Then again, it never happened. So, go figure.

It was so retarded back then when I obsessed so much about this one guy and was so heart broken by a relationship that didn even last a day. Yeah. Thats how much I thought I liked him. Then it just cooled down and I gradually moved on. Figured he wasnt worth anymore of my time. Now when I look back at it, he wasnt all that great. But I'd stay up just to talk to him. Waiting for him to come online. Would've gone back in time now and told myself forget it.

Then one break up after another.

Soon. I kinda got really tired. Tired of "i love you" that obviously didnt mean shit. Tired of all the lame cheesy promises that only go as far as internet pixels. So tired of trying to hold on. So tired of waiting. So tired of taking chances.

Honestly, right now, where i'm standing, the ice is so thin. I don't want to jump ship and sink into the deep end again. Just because I cant swim. I feel so selfish. I mean, if someone is will to try, I should to. But what is it worth anymore. If it just a "grin-n-bear with it" situation, why try. Maybe opposites attract, but this is beyond what I can bear sometimes.

Maybe I do need a break from this.

You know what it feels like?? I say its fine, cuz I've been there, obsession over someone you can't have. Don't come and tell me you don't think of her now and then. When you're depressed and what nots. Not being jealous here but hey, you know what it looks like from  my perspective? Oh look, I can't get this one, I guess this would do.  Yeah feels like that. Kinda sucky feeling too. Been feeling that way for quite some time.

SOOOOO MANY GIRLS WANT YOU.

Why me.

Could just pick up anyone of them off the street. Honestly, if I didn know you, I wouldnt even approach you. If you get my drift. Yeah. What does that say bout my taste. My taste is horrible apparently. Yeah. So I don't get it. Then again, maybe singaporean girls are a lot easier. I don't know. LOL.

Maybe I just need some time off for myself. Maybe I got attached too soon. Literally jumped from one ship to another. Prolly build up a horrible reputation soon. Don't really have anyone to blame for that. I give people chances cuz they deserved them. Maybe I shouldve more time  to evaluate the situation. Maybe I'm wayyyy toooo easy too.

I don't know.

Lots of "maybes". Lots of uncertainties. Lots of unopened doors.

** Two Hundred and Sixty Four **

Crazy.

Lets start with school.

I am done with my 1st semester of my 2nd year in Lasalle. Grinded and made it through the semester with a crappy major of a character i hated from the pre-production stage. Well, not complaining, its all part of the growing process. Afterall, when I go out there I prolly wont be able to do project of my own. This was a good little exercise for me to learn to love something I hated and make something out of it. I figured. School was a lot more laid back, I felt so bad for sleeping. I like getting sleep dont get me wrong. I LOVE SLEEP!!! More time to put into our major was nice. :) not as pretty as I expected it to be better but I like it. Felt like an improvement from year1. Slowly but gradually growing. :)

New studios were awesome. It was nice to have the little room for a little class of us to have morning educational screenings while we worked on our majors. Plenty of computers for us to do our renders. Or maybe it was because we monopolized it all before the juniors could do anything about it. MUAHAHAHHHAHAHAHHAHHAHHA.

At the least, Maya wasnt such a bitch to me. I'm rather cool with working in school I guess. Tried it out this semester. I'll live. Feels kinda nice. Work til 7pm 8pm and go back knowing you can chill and not do work anymore. XD Having my saturdays nommed away by masterclasses took some getting used to. I think overall, most of the masterclasses were good. Learn a lot. Well there were a little tiny spec of them that felt like "Why the fuck did I even get out of bed for this?!?!"

I love my class. Honestly enjoy being class rep (besides the boring meetings i had to go to). I like the little class of 5. Makes us so together. Feels nice. :) I'd rather have 4 close friends than 10 friends. And honestly love them lots for that belated birthday celebration. :)


Here's my "awesome" major :



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I love the sport. But I cant seem to find my tenancy in it anymore. I dont know. I am not motivated to do anything. I am not motivated to achieve anything. I have no goal. No place I want to be. I keep blaming it on the fact that I am not home but maybe all I needed was better company here. Its no one's fault.

I am honestly getting no where. I am not improving. It feels sad. I started off so spirited. I started with dreams of going international and competing and being able to do all those trick the pros could. I started with a goal to reach the top and here I am now, sitting by my laptop. Asking myself where is my motivation and driving force.

Everyone is improving. And here I am. Stuck. Because my feet wont move.
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I'm living testament, you should treasure and enjoy what every guy mutters to you during courtship and girl, it will only last that long. The moment you decide and say yes, the first few weeks is fine and dandy...and from then on everything goes downhill really fast. So you can say good bye to him calling u beautiful once in a while. Say good bye to him texting you before he sleeps and in the morning. Say good bye to all the little things he does during courtship. Say goodbye to all that shit.

I honestly do question myself. The balance is obviously tilting to one side and its not a good side. It feels so sad. I started off so happy. But I dont really know what to do anymore. Sometimes I ask myself if I'm happy or look for the last time I was actually happy. Can't really remember one. I'm trying. I honestly am. He doesn't understand that material things dont keep a girl.

Its no use showering a girl with gifts when you're not fixing the little things you've talked about, the little fixes you were supposed to work on.

I know I often complain bout my birthday coinciding with exams and submissions. Birthdays are a big part of me and they mean alot. And I dont know. Fucking it up for me was prolly the worst thing you couldve done. More over my 21st birthday. And sorry. Your excuses are pretty stupid if you ask me. Not that you even try to save the day. You just woke up and constantly asked me why I was mad.

WAS IT NOT OBVIOUS ENOUGH FOR YOU?!?!?!!?! ITS MY FUCKING 21ST BIRTHDAY AND YOU SLEPT THROUGH THE FIRST HALF OF IT NOT DOING ANYTHING.

and you call yourself my boyfriend.

I dont know. I didn expect fancy shit to happen just to avoid disappointment. I know you. But you even manage to sink beyond that. There're so many little petty things I tolerate.

Honestly its the little things that count. And its the little things that piss me off the most.

Just so you know, a handmade birthday card wouldve meant more than anything you could buy off a shelf.

I dont know. I dont know anything anymore. Part of me just wants to go back in time and warn myself not to say yes. Not to give it a shot. Not to take a chance.

Everything just ends up like shit. I forgive you too easily.

Then again. maybe i was being selfish.
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Sorry, Ending it on such a sad note.

Had to get it off my chest.

on the side note. My hair is awesome :D

Rach.

** Two Hundred and Sixty Three **

Honestly I dont think I have anymore readers. Since I hardly ever update. XD

Lets go through the changes shall we? (i do this very often)

First of all I just finished my first year in Animation. Oh how time flies. It felt like it was just yesterday I was sitting outside Level 5 of block E waiting for my interview with all my average little scribbles. Nervous as hell I was since my A Levels result weren't all that good. Maybe they wont take me cuz they think I'm stupid. (I flunked a subject for A Levels) Here I am. Done with my first year with two more years before I grad. I think the real turning point that made me feel really good about myself was the fact I got acceptance during the interview. I never had any luck with scholarships (even with my 9As for SPM) apparently I look like an idiot on the picture I pasted on the scholarship form or something. Or maybe I didn't look like someone who sits and does what she needs to until its done. Yeah. Even with my fairly awesome curricular of Taekwondo achievements and Choral Speaking script writing and English drama, I wasnt good enough. So yeah. That gave me an extreme boost of self worth. Told myself I'd be the best in my class, if not the best one of them. :)

I honestly grew as an artist. Maybe its just me but I think I kick ass at bringing things to life. (Flattering myself much?) I still suck horribly at the technicality of drawing. Like the proportions in figure drawing. Never been a fan of theory but I keep telling myself it for my own good. I struggled a lot more with 3D than 2D in the first year. Not because I suck at 3D. I wont blame the program but I WILL!!! (Maya is a bitch and everyone that uses her knows it) 2D is pretty straight forward. Just the program crashes as well. (yes. im blaming the program.) I'd probably do a lot better in 2D at this moment in time at my current state as an artist. More because it is my comfort zone. I can do 2D animation anyday. Lets just say its good to be versatile in the industry. Hence I'm going to torture myself with Maya.

Here's a little advice for future Maya users reading this. Maya is your new girlfriend. (yeah. dump ur partner if ur taken) She's going to have her pms on you when you need her the most. She's gonna crash half the time when you dont tell her to forget. Sometimes, she fucks up and you cant do anything about it but start over. You're going to find yourself going "Maya, Y U DO TIS TO ME?!?!" Maya is a bitch but you have no choice cuz she's your girlfriend now and you are going to have to grin and bear with ALL her pms and breakdowns. No. You're not allowed to slap your girlfriend. (yes if maya was a person i'd beat the shit outa her)

On the side note. I think my 3D lecturer has eyes at the back of his head. As if he doesn't scare me enough. XD But he's cool... just a tad bit socially awkward. Then again, aren't we all?

*awkward panguin*

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I have a lot to thank skating for.

For the family skating gave me. I'm really happy. I met the most amazing people through this sport. Especially when I first started, how it had that "all for one and one for all" feel to it. I loved the unity and fun times that came with the bruises and muscles strains of training. More importantly the irreplaceable bonds both as friends and as fellow sportsmen. Plus the eating sessions after training. Someday when this sport grows to an enormous scale in Malaysia, we'd be the few that say we were there from the start, when this sport was just a a minuscule thing that nobody knew of. :) Im really proud of how the sport has expanded.

 If it wasn't for skating, I think i wouldve gained a few kg from all the crazy snacking I do especially when its midnight and I get hungry for no apparent reason. Yea. Skating gave me the awesome physique i have today. Hahaha flattering myself too much. I think it was a real good thing I took up this sport to replace taekwondo and dancing which i hardly do anymore. Not sure why, I havent gained or lost any weight but everyone complains I'm too skinny. Here. Skating turns ur fats (of in my case what little fats i have) into muscles. I look skinner but i havent lost any mass. It all got converted to something else kay...

First time in my life I had the chance to compete at an international level. It was an experience. Seeing where I stand and where we stand in this sport. But we're working our way up there. We'll all get there someday. To be able to get to know and make acquaintances with skaters from different countries, learn a bit of their language and learn a lot from them. Though to be honest I am not a big fan of competitions or competing. xD

Oh. I have skating to thank for my boyfriend as well. :D Yeah. If it wasn't for skating i wouldn't have met my boyfriend. Pretty glad i met him actually. Didn know who he was at that time but yeah i remember kicking his ass as a game the skaters were playing while waiting for the next category to start or was it for the results. Doesn't matter. Kicked his ass. XD Come to think of it I only found out his name after the competition through facebook. Oh you. Playing all friendly with random strangers. tsk tsk tsk.

I love this sport. Even if i have some days where i feel like i should just put my skates aside for good. What I see tho is even if you leave, you never leave completely. There's a certain attachment to the sport that you cannot deny. You'd come back again some day. Just to have that feeling of flight again. Not as good as you used to anymore but we all come back to it someday. Because when you skate you become one with you shoes and bind yourself to the sport foreverrrrrrrrrr. LOL

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Cosplay? I dont know.

I think I should just...stop. Quit for good.

Or put it on hiatus.



Toodles,
Rach :)

(smilies are important)

** Two Hundred and Sixty Two **

Face the fact that we all go through the different stages of a relationship. And sometimes things get really stupid.

To a point you'd find yourself questioning yourself on why are you still here.

Kinda realized I'd be really selfish to say if he can't handle me at my worst why is he even my bf. technically... He's trying... And I of all people know how impossible I am at times.

I understand how imperfection makes us human. So yeah, I'm a hell of a pain in the ass when I go on my emotional rages that don't make any fucking sense half the time cuz its on the littlest of things.

Somehow can never find someone patient enough to deal with it.

It's crazy how I actually miss the nights we'd be on Skype til we fall asleep. Jus talking and making random faces at the camera. See each other almost everyday for dinner.

Now, we're just... Comfortable.

I don't know. Maybe it's just me... Maybe it's cuz I'm a bit hard to handle at times and I don't really blame anyone. We don't see each other for a week and the moment we do somebody gets pissed off. Or both of us do. Maybe not seeing each other as often makes us cranky.

Then again, it might just be the lack of sleep.

I'd love to dress pretty just to see my boyfriend. Most of the time it just feels like it isn't even worth my time to put together a nice little combination when I see him. Heck, I take effort to dress for school now rather than for him.

Not asking to shower me with endless supply of compliments. But calling ur GF pretty once in a while nvr hurt anyone. Especially when she took effort to put on something cute to see u for dinner.

Then again, mayb it's cuz half the time he's in his shirt n shorts n slippers. Which is fine.

I think the only time he dressed slightly nicely was on our first date. Where I was sloppily dressed in shirt n shorts.

Role reversal eh.

There are times when I feel like I'm not pretty enough inside and out. Like I have a horrible personality. Why in the world do ppl even like me?

I'm a horrible person. Cuz I still feel socially awkward with a lot of people, especially parents. I'd love to offer to help to adults but I have to muster up a hell log of courage just to walk up and say "do you need help?" cuz it needs to be forced out. I try.

I try a lot of things. Hardly ever makes me feel better.

I don't think anything does.

Rach.