27 July 2010

i close my eyes. wishing time would go by. hoping i'd be given another try. to work out the things that made me cry. those endless trickling tears that make my eyes dry. slowly everything was left to fry. HELP ME. i wrote repeatedly. quietly printing them again and again. i have shut the world from mine. it feel as if all time has stopped. but as i peer away from the blue tip on this empty lines of this piece of paper, my limbo disappears.
all that rings in my ears are the same tune i had since last night. oh how the words spoke of things i only wished i could do. then the music has a little marry-go-roundish tune to it that reminds me of how i am still the same old kid i was back then. although now, i have metamorphosized to a different exterior. i let it ring. again and again. until there is no need to shut the world for me to hear it. until it has become part of my world.
i feel the unusual warmth in this hand. the same hand that held everything i had. the same hand that let it all go. and now no matter how much i reach out for it, though within my grasps, i can never hope to reach. i wrote those words again. HELP ME. my way of crying out to the world knowing how pointless it would be to scream at the top of my lungs til they'd explode and hope that it touches someone's hearing at the other end of this vast universe.

because nobody would come.

because nobody would care.

everyone else is too busy with their own little petty problems to stop and take a glance at the world and see how lucky they are.

because nobody cares.

26 July 2010

im sick of trying to please everyone. im sick of trying to make everyone happy with who i am. im sick of trying to hold in my anger. im sick of trying so hard to make things right but you just dont let me. im sick of trying to regain the lost trust. im sick of doing things even if i dont want to.

im sick of everything.

25 July 2010

i wonder how some people can pretend like their life is perfect. how they can keep everything bottled up inside. how they can smile through the day pretending nothing is wrong when everything is. how they can pretend to be contented with the way things are. how they can plaster a smile on their faces without having the urge to tear. i wonder how some people do it.

it feels horrible. when the pain isn't physical anymore. i know i've said countless times but i do what i did to feel human again. cuz humans bleed and feel pain. and up to a point in life, i no longer feel anything. to a point where it feels as if nothing is worth living for anymore. to a point where gravity seems to pull me to places i never want to be. to a point where i feel imprisoned by my own emotions. and then i make myself bleed. i make myself feel the pain in the shower. of how it stings when water runs pass it. of how it hurts when soap touches it.

then everyone else calls me stupid for doing so.

but you dont understand.

every night when the lights go out. i lay alone in bed staring at the blank ceiling hoping for a tomorrow better than today. i lay there thinking. pondering. about the little broken shattered pieces of my life i never bothered picking up. i close my eyes and wished good night. to god knows who that's wishing under the same night sky. but i know tomorrow will be the same as today. and when i close my eyes that night, i wished i never had to open them again as i lay on my side, holding myself to sleep.

hearing that imaginary heartbeat.

i understand why people call Envy one of the Seven Dealiest Sins. how envy literally makes you beat yourself up mentally. make you feel as if the world you live in is never good enough. that you life is incomplete. and it makes you feel inferior. how envy sucks the sunlight out of you. when all your mind could think about is how stupidly retarded your life is compared to other people.

envy. sigh.

sometimes i hate technology. yeah sure it connects people and all that awesome other stuff it does. but sometimes technology isn't helping. how technology enables people to read my text messages. incoming n outgoing. BOTH. how technology makes things seem so close. close enough to touch. but when i reach out, its the screen i feel. it hurts that although technology give me closeness, it makes me feel further than i was.

all i want to do is touch your face.

i dont feel human for some reason.

its time to bleed again.

20 July 2010

" those two sisters what never shared a bit of similarity with her giggled and laughed and chuckled in her face. "never ever will you meet your prince cuz youre never ever going to step out of that door with all that dirt in your face." she grasps hard on the decrepit cloth crunched up under her worked hands. stayed where she was watching them merrily walts out leaving her broken for no mends. the crickets sing a little lullaby under the shimmering night by the plane. even as everything lays still she is still where she was sane. "

Listening to: Kagamine Rin & Len

since i screwed up my tests, i cant really do anything about it. i got back my Maths and Further Maths Pure test papers today. surprisingly it wasn't as bad as i thought. considering the circumstances where i technically didn't have any idea how to do the entire paper. and finally realized that i should write bigger so that i can see my mistakes more clearly. LOL. now i have to hope and pray i get at least 20 for my Applied Maths and Further Maths. gosh. i love maths. but its now my worst subject. damn.

I'M FREE TONIGHT!!! I SHALL DRAW!!! (when in actual fact i am not)

then maybe continue tomorrow in college when i wait for 2hours bfor class starts. and 1hour plus during MS.

lately i dont feel like going anywhere. it consumes a lot of energy. LOL. not that i'm saying i dont have enough energy to go out and hang out. its just. sometimes its nice to be alone. ^^.

so yeah i do feel sucky watching everyone get better marks than i do. its so frustrating. _no" its like a gamble whether you can see the answer or not. and sometimes your brain just gets stuck with THIS way and doesnt want to try another way. which results in the inability in getting the answer. CURSE U BRAIN!!

so i was doing nonsense again just now. i was talking to paul the octopus on facebook!!! XD

Q: How many tentacles do you have

A: No!

Q: U dont have tentacles?!?!?!?

A: Not at all. What kind of question is that?

Q: But ur an octopus!! Ur supposed to have tentacles

A: An octopus friend of mine predicted that they would eat me before the world cup. But he was wrong. so it's a NO

Q: do you like shoes?

A: I talked to Yoon Voon and he told me its a YES!

Q: are you still a virgin??

A: are you crazy? of course yes!

Q: u know what takoyaki is made of?

A: follow your heart. if you dont have visit the Mage of Oz.


A: No chance!


A: Yesterday they asked me the same thing. The truth is that YES.

Q: so ur a cannibal

A: No idea. I dont know that much? but i think it's a YES

Q: can you drive?

A: Dont talk about it!

and the one that PAWNS it all

Q: Do you eat unicorns?

A: Yes of course. Why would you think that

ahhh...bits of life that make it all worth a little bit more...


17 July 2010

spent the entire day yesterday relentlessly crying my eyes out for one reason after the other. first of all. the original plan was to stay over at Jiun Wai's place after friday's class. so i asked my parents. and out of no where my mum storms into my room and went " NO! YOU DONT GO TO UR FRIEND'S HOUSE N STAY OVER." so obviously i asked why. and she went " NO LA! I DONT NEED TO GIVE U A PROPER REASON." diu la...she's bitching at me all the sudden. cham liao la. no mood to study for my further maths pure tomorrow.

so i woke up yesterday. pflip through my notes and went " pretty simple. i know how to do already what." so fine la. i went trough all my classes and when i sat for my FMP. i saw the paper. and the questions. i was screwed. literally for the very first time in my life i couldn't do a single question on that piece of paper. i practically handed in my answers which was obviously wrong to begin with. this time when i say im going to fail. i really meant it. after the test everyone was like "how you find p ar?" " how you find q ar?" "aiya that one i dunnno"

i sat there. " i'm seriously gonna fail."

and i started crying.

then lecture started and i had to stop and copy notes n stuff.

my mind was undeniably fogged up after that. for the first time i knew and i was very sure i was going to fail. i had a feeling of impending doom. its not the feeling you get as you wait for the roller coaster to buzz into speed as u sit locked into the seat. its not the feeling you get when you're waiting backstage for your turn under the spot light. it not the feeling of the butterflies you ate earlier in the afternoon retaliating in your stomach.

its the feeling you get free falling into the abyss of uncertainty. when and million and one things run through your mind at the same time til you cant focus on reality. where you seem to be in a limbo.

i went through my day. dazed.

then during lunch break. i thought the least i could do was at least try to solve the questions. at least the next time it comes out i would know how to do. i took out the paper and stared at it. and i got stuck where i did during the test. then Jiun Wai taught me. as i did, my mind was beating myself up. i was literally mentall scolding myself for being filled with so much stupidity. and then i gave up. broken down and cried again.

it might only be a test. but even test also i cannot do. WHAT MORE MY A2?!?! OTL

so that was one element that added to my constant depression yesterday.

another drama that added to my "wonderful" day was my dad.

yesterday was his birthday.

and he tezted me asking what time my classes finish. and since im staying for futsal i said 6. i thought he was gonna come fetch me or something. he asked if i wanted japanese lunch cuz my sister finishes at 1. so i figured my class finishes at 2.30. why wait for me. so i just said i finish at 6. then i dont know why he said i took so long to reply. maybe maxis got stuck again or something. so when he texted me asking again i said my classes finish at 2.30 but im staying for futsal til 6. and he classified that as lying. i said i was sorry and i was and its not like im going anywhere out of college. and he said he doesnt think im sorry. he thinks im not happy that i was caught lying. and just cuz im not gonig anywhere out of college it makes it ok to lie?!

first of how is that considered lying?!?!?!?!

then as depressed as i was already. during Malaysian Studies he texted me saying he'll be passing by TARC at 3 something. if i wanted transport say so or else arrange my own transport back and my own dinner. and if he's fetching me back he doesnt want any of my friends tagging along.

which technically meant to me.

he didnt want me around on his birthday.

so yeah. i broken down crying AGAIN during Malaysian Studies. Wendy looked kinda scared watching me cry all the sudden. thanks Nixon for trying to help. yeah. so my dad kinda scolded me for that LIE.

then we went for futsal. watching the guys play was really fun. even if it was just watching. Kar Mun bought me ice cream. and then Ralf drove me home.

all in all. thank you Jiun Wai. for being there.

just gonna stand there and watch me burn
that's all right cuz i love the way it hurts

its just one of those tear-filled days.


11 July 2010

i have finally found something to blog about.

it seems to have taken the world by storm. of the millions of fans who are willing to camp outside just to await the sun rise to catch the movie. of millions of fan to squeal over them. of millions of fans to bought merchandises after merchandises. of fans who have them printed on their bed sheets. of fans to stare at their faces day in day out.

and it has irritated me so.

i was a fan. WAS. i came across this book 3years ago browsing through the shelves of MPH. i found the cover nice and decided to get it. yes. i know not to judge a book by its cover. but i trust my instincts. i fell in love with it. and at that moment in time, vampires were the coolest thing on the planet to me. literally. LOL. and so i went introducing the book, Twilight, to my classmates. and my book went circulating for almost half a year before i had it back in my hands. yes. stephenie meyer created a fantasy that fed the minds of young girls. she created characters like, Edward, that no doubt became the ideal man for every girl that flip those pages. he became mine too.

i followed on. when New Moon came out. i wasn't surprised when i found it boring. it wasn't as captivating anymore. as you guys remember, Edward left Bella in New Moon. and all she was doing was whining about how lonely she is without him and how empty she felt. maybe stephanie didn't realize this. but to me, New Moon made Bella look desperate. it was as if she couldn't live without Edward. technically that's how the entire story goes. but what's worst is how she ended up sticking to Jacob after Edward went away. Bella was cheap.

presistently i followed and bought Eclipse as well. honestly. the books were getting painfully boring by the pages. maybe its the constant drama in the story that keeps readers reading. but i've grown tired of it by this book. so in this book there're a string of murders. and so the Werewolves and Vampires joined forces and to do what? keep the cheap bitch Bella safe. see, if Bella had already made her mind that she loves Edward so freaking much. why did she kiss Jacob in the first place?! even if it was to keep him from joining the fight. and im sure Edward and especially Bella is aware that Jacob likes Bella. so WHY THE FUCK do you discuss your engagement with him around?!?!?! its painful how Bella treats Jacob. maybe love does blind people. or maybe its cuz Edward's sparkling in the sun. (as far as i know...vampires melt in the sun stephenie).

Bella loves Jacob, but Bella loves Edward far more. ouch.

Yes. i went to buy Breaking Dawn as well though knowing that it would be murderously boring. the final book of the saga. so, Edward and Bella goes on a honey moon. so Bella get pregnant (no surprise there) and its a half vampire child (duh). this book practically circulates around Bella's child. so Bella almost died on childbirth cuz the baby broke most of her bones and thus Edward lovingly tries to save her and turns her to a vampire ("wheee"). and more bloody (hahah) drama about the kid and how it may pose a threat to the secret of vampires being around. yadda yadda. and they lived happily every after. i was bored to death reading this book.

so that was the end of the books. i was pretty contented really.

until they decided to make a movie. and i saw THIS!


so yeah. i simply despised the movie. i didn't bother watching it even if i am a fan of the book. first of all. i don't understand what you fan girls of Robert Pattinson see in him. WAKE UP GIRLS. just because he plays a role of a vampire doesn't make him the dream man you read in the pages of Twilight. i have NEVER imagined Edward Cullen to look like THAT. in other words, Robert Pattison ruined MY IMAGE of Edward with his goddamned fugly-ness. im sure there are better looking guys out there to play Edward. WHY HIM?!?! Bella. oh she's as FUGLY as he is. period. who are you guys kidding trying to pull off as vampires. i can see the thick layer of powder on your face. oh. and i thought Bella is human. WHY IS SHE ALMOST AS PALE AS THEY ARE?!?! honestly, i wonder who did the casting for Twilight. D<

of all the Cullens. the casting of Alice was the best. =D
i'd imagine Alice like that when i was reading.

i have nothing to say about the werewolves. hahaha. i sound like a stereotype now. technically i see nothing wrong with the cast of werewolves. they would pass for wolves.

i almost choke on my burger the other day when i heard some idiot say Kristen Stewart is hot on the radio.


Twilight Pokemon Cards --> C L I C K H E R E

P.S. changing your last name to Cullen doesn't make you a vampire.

05 July 2010

TARCollege Talent Time Night 2010
Date: 4th July
Venue: College Hall
Theme: 70s' Old School

overall i think it was okay. not extraordinary. just okay. like your regular school performance. the only difference is its at night and its not so much filtered by the teachers. LOL. so as usual all the girls on stage shakes their asses. the good performances were amazingly awesome. the bad onces are just plain bad.

i was sitting somewhat at the back. so bear with the horrible pictures.

i got lazy towards the end. so i didnt really cover the entire event's photos. i'm too lazy of a person. and i didn reduce the noise in the pictures. once again too lazy to do so. LOL

went with a couple of my classmates. Merwin, Jiun Wai, Kar Mun and John.

That's all folks~