20 September 2011

Its been a while.

I'm sorry but this is going to be one of those super long blog posts about stuff most people dont really give a damn about.

So if you're not up for the reading. You may close the tab.

I started skating 3months ago. I used to skate and then i stopped. My A level's exams are a month away. honestly speaking, i am doing what i can to bring up my grades. but sometimes i dont understand how some of my classmates can actually study day and night.
honestly, i am not that kind of person.

But after dinner, i realize my parents somewhat expect me to turn into that kind of person.

I love skating. And since i hardly have any time to draw or for a matter, a fact, to get inspired with all this shit A Levels have been giving me, i turn to skating to provide me an escape from all this...nonsense.

To say i am not putting enough effort in my A levels is a lie. I am doing what i can. My brain capacity goes only this far. HOw much more brilliant do you expect me to be. I am sorry i cannot bring back straight As' like i used to for UPSR, PMR and SPM.

I cried cracking my brain trying to understand Mechanics for my trials. I dont understand. I kept reading. I dont even know what I'm reading. How am i to do the questions?!

I'm not some crazy ass robot that sits there facing the book 24 7.

Skating and the people that surround me became my refuge.

Maybe its just me. But my parents never seem to understand what i do and why i do it. Its not like i skate all the time and neglect my studies. But my dad puts things as if i'd rather skate than do well for my A levels. Somehow my parents, especially my dad, only likes it when i come back with straight As'.

I cant.

I told my parents there is a competition this weekend. I wanna go and win. Get myself cash for new wheels. And my mum says, "Dont need compete la...i give u the money."

I'm sorry. But what kind of "encouragement" is that?! and my dad goes on about how i keep skating and how i'm willing to jeopardize my chances of going to UK just to skate. I told them, they cant expect me to go to college study, come home study, after dinner study. I'm only human. Then my mum adds that most of the time im on the computer. I told her, my past year papers are online.

I'm sorry if i made it seem like i couldnt careless about how i do for my coming A Levels. But i really am doing what i can.

My dad tells me i can do whatever i want after my exams. And this is what's going to happen. They'd have the holiday planned. And i cant get out of it even if i wanted to. So how is that being able to do anything i want.

I hate A Levels. I am doing it because my dad wouldnt let me go into diploma.

I dont know where is this going. But i just needed to let it out.

I'm not complaining.

I wanted to bring something back during inter-college. Probably to show my parents that i'm not wasting my time skating. Go figure i came back with a bruise on my face which made them even more disapprove of me skating.

HOnestly i hate it when my parents do this to me. They say i dont listen to them.

Then again. WHat i have to say has no value to them.

You know what it feels like right now?

I feel stupid. For not being able to even uphold a freaking scholarship in TARCollege. And its just a 60% average. For not being able to score a scholarship with my SPM results. And my sister, PMR, has a scholarship to Singapore.

I'm happy for my sister. <3

I feel like the problem child nobody wants. I feel like i shouldnt be here.

I may be proud of how different i am and can be. But my parents dont seem to care. As long as i dont bring back the As'. They dont seem to acknowledge anything else. I dont have a high IQ like Andrew. This is a far as my brain can go.

Unbelievable how it took me 18years to realize this now.

My parents are only proud IF AND ONLY IF i bring back straight As'.

Anything else that doesnt have anything to do with As'. They dont give a damn.

I want to make them proud.

But its way beyond my capabilities.