29 May 2017

I think it's high time I updated after almost a year or so. So a quick update on what has been going on with my life from the last post.

I started at a local studio in KL as a concept artist and the work was exciting as a first job kind of thing. As the months pass, it felt a little more directionless and a lot of the work wasn't leading anywhere fruitful or even close to worth the time I may have to put in to even get anywhere near done. It was initially a contract job and I'd be on for a couple of months but they kept extending the contract over and over again without really hinting on whether they'd offer me a full time position or not which was kind of annoying. I did one year in that company and decided it was time to split and just do my own thing for a bit. I left not because the work place was shit, but because the project felt like a waste of my time. The people I met are extremely talented and amazing to work with. The seniors there were super helpful. It was a great experience working there nonetheless.

I remained a freelancer for about 5minths before I moved on to a new job. Discovered the joys of social media and community building. And people willing to pay for my art.

I am currently back in Singapore working as an animator at a casino company. It's nothing fancy but the pay is good, boss is great, work is pretty chill and I get plenty of time sometimes to do my own thing.

Now for matters of the heart.

Last I left the situation was probably close to where things were in hell and were falling apart as it is. I cannot put to words how fragile and insecure I was back then and it took a lot. He didn't want to officially break it off for whatever reason and wanted to "try". It was made pretty clear after a couple of pushes and talking with my friends that I really didn't need anymore of this bullshit. As much as I make it sound really easy here, it took a lot for me to break it off. No doubt the weeks that follow felt like absolute shit and it was probably one of my worst. I was constantly breaking down at work and needed friends to talk to to just keep things off my mind. I was quite a wreck. But I'm pretty sure it was a good decision to do so.

I went through my working days on top of the break downs and comforting chats from one old n close friend from college and another from a random night breakdown chatter. It was hard but I am thankful. Then to ask myself am I moving wayyyyyy too fast with this. I just got out and am going through this breakdown n recovery and already after another?

Long story short. My break up was hell but I needed it.

There was a time where I'd write nice things bout my NOW ex-boyfriend. Of happiness n how proud I am. And I guess it's a sad vicious cycle. I am aware more than ever that maybe this happiness I have now is also temporary. Maybe it isn't.

I'm dating this amazing guy. Self driven in so many ways he doesn't even know it. A little bit of an asshole but who isn't. The most affectionate and supportive person. And does a mighty fine job taking care of me too. Slightly stubborn and half the time doesn't listen. He's an artist. And he smokes. A lot. Took us awhile to set things up and take things seriously but we finally did. It was one of the best decisions I've made in my life.

Holy shit I'm hungry at 12am. Do I wanna eat n get fat?

I owe a lot of my growth to him and the company of people I'm surrounded with because of him. I hate socializing a lot. I honestly think if people want to hang out with you they will and you don't need to invite yourself. But I could be entirely wrong.

And that's about it I guess. I do like this time capsule of a blog I have. And u plan to keep it that way.

Toodles,
Rachel.

10 November 2015

It's been months. I've graduated. Done some part time work. Now back home on a 6months contract. 

Pretty happy with my job so far. Being a concept artist is pretty fun I must say. Even if I'd work on my own time on a lot of things, I'd say work is enjoyable for now. It's only been the first week. So we'll see where that goes.

Excited for a project once more. Instead of dragging myself through a project because I need to graduate. It feels nice as an artist. Looking forward to greater learning experiences.
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Yanked out my wisdom tooth couple days back and have been hurting for a few days straight now. I have one more to surgically remove after I have healed and then I would have removed all four of my wisdom teeth. 

I'm too wise for my own good. 
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It's been hard. I've been scared. And the fact that I don't know anything sucks. I just know he's busy and I shouldn't bother him. I'd sit here n wait for whenever. And often times whenever never comes. 

It makes me feel so...unappreciated.

I'd often times be there to respond to messages because I made a point to do so. And maybe have put a certain someone way too high on the priority list than he deserves cuz obviously he doesn't do the same for me. 

It makes a difference how preoccupied he is with his other social groups than he is with me. How he would wake up knowing I've been wanting to talk to him but not text me the remaining of the entire day. Everything else is more important.

I just...don't feel like...I'm of any importance in his life anymore. Like I'm just trying to squeeze myself back in when obviously he doesn't want that anymore. 

And he just constantly give me excuses after excuses of why I have to be considerate of how he's feelings but he doesn't have to bat an eye about mine. Like as if I don't have any. Or I am expected to just keep them to myself.

18 May 2015

Three years. My journey in LASALLE as a growing artist is finally coming to an end and I must say I have definitely grown as an artist and as an individual during my studies there. I spent three years in that place and that is all I can say. Legit. I am glad I am graduating. There is not greater bliss. I've struggled and pulled myself back up through break down after break down and honestly have never seen myself push myself so hard.

The sad part was I felt my passion die. I felt it fade. Like I was sick of doing it after these three years. I was that enthusiastic excited young animator that loved the projects I was handed and went all out to do it as I wanted. I am graduating as a matured artist built to please mostly others.

I gotta take a break from the routine I guess.

I've been through shit where people aren't nice and people are not as forgiving as they proclaim they are. But I guess I dont really wanna keep people like that in my life anyway. The last year was a pain for me, not because of the stress but because I have never felt so alienated in my life. Yes. I prolly had a bit of problems fitting in back in school which I never understood. I was always that awkward kid that tries really hard to be a part of a group but they never really honestly took me as part of them. Like this sense of belonging that I was never meant to have, ever, in my life.

But I'm graduating. I'll never see these people again. Maybe parting wouldn't be so hard then.

People come and go.
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I make a point to bring this up that in my three years here I have matured a hell lot. I have grown so much I cannot handle it. The vast majority question my taste in men. The vast majority question my decisions and why am I still in this dysfunctional relationship.

I wouldn't call it dysfunctional.

A lot of good things take time. I honestly think we are growing together. I know I grew.

After that little incident, I cant bring myself to step fully back into the relationship. I dont find the stability I need in a relationship with him gong about partying with his party pals. Even if I'd rather not conform to the stereotypes of "people who club are trouble" idea. Thats what it rubs off on everyone else and everyone is waiting for him to someday fuck it all up. Honestly I am in no position to stop him from doing what he likes. Even if at this moment in time he makes it look like he has to get my permission for everything or every outing he wants to go to.

I'd love to say no. Then it makes me look like a kill joy. Like as if I'm some controlling girlfriend.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but why would you go call another girl "pretty" when you're in a relationship? Call it jealousy or paranoia but I dont think any guy in a relationship should be throwing out compliments to other girls under the jurisdiction of "being nice". No shit you're being nice. You're feeding her bloody ego. And you dont even call your girlfriend pretty unless she dresses up for a random day when she feels like it. Not that I'm one to need to be showered with compliments. But seriously. "Being nice" is not a legit reason.

I believe he is still a kid and has a lot to learn. Yeah. He claims he has matured and know more about life than I probably have. But his actions would say otherwise. It is not a case of me trying to mold and change him in hopes that he eventually becomes my ideal guy. Thats not gonna happen. It just saddens me that the people closest to him that should have the most believe in him dont give two cents about him anymore.

I wouldn't say that I have not been emotionally scarred going through this relationship. I've been to hell and back and still standing.

It hurts not just emotionally but it takes away bits and piece of confidence you thought you had and self value and respect. It hurts til today to know you can merrily throw out  sexual innuendos with slut face and challenges to her like as if you weren't in a relationship with me at all. It hurts to know you answered the question of whether you found me pretty with a "nahhh~ she's just cute"

"Just cute?!?!"

Am I honestly that plain of a person that you have nothing better to describe the "love of your life" than "just cute" ???

Because your level of pretty is plastic and blogfaced.

Here they say you cannot fix the broken. And he has bunch of friends that are proud of being broken.

Excuse you. But I wouldn't be proud of a broken light bulb in my house. Neither should you.

A lot of things are different now. The way I see this relationship is different. I dont know where exactly this would go. By the looks of things it may be for the long run or it may not but he's definitely not there yet if he plans on marrying me.

If my future husband is even half the man of what my father is I'd be content enough.

Dating younger guys is definitely a whole new meaning of babysitting.

Sorry. Not pretty. Just cute.

I can honestly say I am not fully on board this ship yet. I am still scared. Scared that someday he'll throw me out again. Make me feel unwanted and make me feel completely worthless about myself. Scared that someday he might decide that he has had enough and decide to break it off just because I had a bad day and took it out on him.

Some days I think I should date a sponge.

Then he tell me he thinks I'm more compatible with one of his friends. I don't know if your friends have bro codes but I do and you don't date your friend's ex. Its just weird and wrong on so many levels. But in all honesty I feel like I don't really know if the relationship is worth the long run.

I'm hoping it is and praying it doesn't slap me in the face.
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I went through a surge of anger this morning. Not because a random stranger fucked up my day. I can't stand it how two faced some people can be in life. I get bothered by it. I shouldn't have given a fuck about dressing up for halloween if they were gonna just be bitches about it and do such things. Like dont freaking pretend like you actually am ok with hanging out with me after that incident and happily take photos as the three of us and them cover up my face like you didn't want me in the picture but you felt the obligation to do so because you wanted to be nice.

Excuse you.

I would've taken your request to not have me in the picture. I didn't force myself into the picture. You wanted to take the three of us and then have the audacity to cover up my face.

One of the better decisions I've made in the past year was not wanting to belong anywhere.

And definitely not wanting to be part of your parade.

Someday. Some where. I am a unicorn rare shiny pokemon to someone. N he'll love me for life when he chooses me. It just doesn't feel that way at the moment.

Maybe its just me.
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It was nice today to be one of the guys. Or at least hang out with them.

Then I realized. A vast majority of people that honestly cared are guys, not because they wanna get in my pants, but they honestly care and often times made sure I was safe. I never really realize how nicely I have surrounded myself with lil knights in tin foils that provide me daily bits and pieces of happiness that will suffice for the day.

Then I also realized. My girl friends never cared. They never bothered.

Which brings me to my point. I feel extremely sad about it. Not because girls dont give a shit about me. Or the girls that were close to me never really gave a shit about me anyway. I have always wanted a girl bestfriend. A friend I would keep forever and have this amazing unbreakable bond that no matter how far we were we'd still be the bestest of friends and no one could challenge that.

Dreams will be dreams.

I find myself more bonded with boys than girls. Maybe because I have grown tired of all the back stabbing and cat fighting girls do. I'm tired of how comparative they are and how shitty I would feel being the ugly duckling in the lot. I've grown sick of conversations that don't strike my interests or anything I honestly care about because I don't care about trends or make up or girl stuff. I have honestly given up on trying to fit in and have proper girl conversation when somedays I wanna just discuss fetishes and porn with some people and every fucking girl just denies the fuck out of watching porn. Like its a taboo. Stop pretending you slut faces. You've all read fifty shades of grey. Don't fucking tell me porn is disgusting and fetishes are weird. Some days I just wanna talk bout weird stuff like cars and games and girls stare at me like they dont fucking know what I'm talking about because its not stuff that they are interested in.

So here's me. Happy with all the boys that have pulled through and survived days and days of mental and physical torture with me. Happy with all the boys that have kept me safe, took me as a bro and still did the gentlemanly thing when the time requires it to be such. Happy with all the boys open enough to talk about porn, sex and fetishes like it wasn't taboo but just another topic of discussion. Happy for all the boys that had my bad and understood my hate of being a girl and its monthly issues and came to my aid without a second thought or a cringe. Happy with all the boys that understand that I dont mind being treated like one of the guys, that I can be conversed with like a bro and be your wing man if needed. Happy with all the silly stuff you guys actually do among yourselves with or without me.

Happy for all the boys that walks me home/drives me to my door step.

Happy for all the boys that were caring enough to be a shoulder I could lean on with school was shit and I was going through many breakdowns.

Happy for all the boys that took me as a bro.

Who the fuck needs girl friends. Lol. I have Knights in tin foil.



06 February 2015

One month into 2015 and I'm already dreading the rest of the year if its gonna keep spiraling for the worst. I have been emotionally unstable. I have psychologically toss, twisted and shredded into pieces. I am a ticking time bomb.

I probably have myself to blame. I have the entire world calling me stupid now for the choices I have decided to make but I honestly believe I made the right choice.

I came back to Singapore in January to continue my final semester and who knew things would spiral out of control so quickly. For the past year, I was honestly not aware of how selfish and insensitive I was to my significant other. I honestly thought everything was going okay, even if he said he dropped me hints. So, I came back ti Singapore greeted with the news of another girl. No. He didn't really cheat I guess. I wouldn't call it that. He told me he had lost all feelings for me and had developed feelings for this other girl. Hit me like a truck. Though then it honestly felt like I was at fault for how badly our relationship fell. I understood we were both at faults.

He told me, " you're too good for me"

I couldn't understand the logic. If you have someone too good for you why would you let that person go. It was a weird excuse which I figured was a easier way to settle things with a closure than without one. So I was tosses back and forth for a bit. We got back together thinking we could still fix this. I honestly believe we could. I honestly did.

But I was never the same.

I became very scared. Scared of a lot of things. And suddenly everything that he never told me, he told me. Not that I cannot take criticism, rejection and hate. But when they all come crashing in on you like consecutive pistol shots right through you, it becomes a painful ordeal. I'm okay with being strong. But I honestly started to crumble because I was scared of losing him again. For whatever wrong that I did and didn know I even did. I was insecure and constantly think some girl thats giving him the attention might take him away someday when I turn my back. I didn't know what to do. But I know I was crumbling.

I have never cried so much in such a short period of time.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm actually making the same mistake as I did the last time. Making someone stay when they obviously don't want me anymore. Then they'll slowly and gradually edge away from me. I wouldn't even know what happened cuz in the back of my mind I was trying to make it work. Maybe he is trying, I honestly just need someone to hug me and tell me everything will be okay cuz I dont know where to get that reassurance.

I have never practiced a tit for tat sorta thing. But some people do I guess.

There are a lot of things I don't do. Honestly, in the past month I've been doing. It honestly hurts that of all the wrongs I've done he can't find a single right things I've done. Its heartbreaking. I'm starting to feel like a doormat. I've actually apologized instantaneously at situations and calmed down faster than I thought I could ever before fights got worst. I have never given in to someone so much.

But I guess it wasn't good enough.

Another thing I have never done in front of a person was admit I'm scared. I have never honestly shown vulnerability cuz I've never liked it. But I honestly needed to get this off my chest cuz it was bothering me and keeping it bottled up inside is not doing me any good. I honestly thought he had the right to know how the situation made me feel. Maybe I should not have said some things that I sorta of blurted out without thinking. And I apologized for that. But I will not ask for an apology if he's not going to give one. he should know he wronged me. I opened up and it took a lot of me to open to and honestly tell someone I am honestly scared of losing them. That every text from another girl makes me scared. That every waking moment I wonder how long your feelings for me would last this time before they fade again.

I was so scared.

"Fine. Stop trying then."

He stomped off. He left me on the streets after opening up to him of how scared I was of losing him. H stormed off and I just stood there crying. Hoping he'd actually look back. Told myself if he doesn't I'll just find my way back and cry myself to sleep. He didn't look back. I literally told him how scared I was of losing him and it felt like I was hopelessly watching him walk away from me just because I told him that.

He told me he was looking for a bus stop.  He told me he didn't know I wouldn't follow.

I guess its better to keep things bottled up then.

Honestly I think I deserved an apology. Not because I apologized for the shitty things I shouldn't have brought up. But because he just left me to cry on the street.

"Doesn't feel good does it?"

I repeated myself three times before he caught on that he left me there in tears. But hey.

His feelings were the one that faded not mine. How is it that I feel like I'm being punished for loving someone unconditionally and dealing with the good and the bad. Now people are calling me stupid for trying so hard to a point I'm literally going to be emotionally broken. People are telling me he's no longer worth my time. People are telling me he doesn't make me happy anymore when I'm obviously in all honestly in so much pain.

I honestly don't know if it is all worth.

I honestly don't know what I'm doing anymore.

I don't know who I am dating anymore. I can be a stubborn person that never backs down from a fight. But I am honestly proud of myself, even if he doesn't see that I've been backing down from fights. Its not fair that I deal with all his shenanigans and he can tell me he doesn't wanna deal with me attitude. I'm sorry but we all have good and bad days. I'm only human.

People are calling me stupid.

I'm not stupid.

I know I'm not.

Rach.

05 December 2014

After a crazy stressful semester, I come home greeted by an avalanche of emotions. 

Not something I wanted.

But hey. Life goes on. 

I honestly think things wouldn't have been any different if I didn't get into a relationship so quickly. Part of me feels used, like I was a test run. Part of me is angry and the other part of me is pretty pathetically content with that. So here's me, having feelings for a person I clearly know would never pick me. And honestly from my first heartbreak with an excruciating wait of four years before he popped the question that didn't last a week that tore me apart, I knew waiting didn't result in anything good. Guys that you want will never want you back. That's how cruel life is. It's one thing to pretend like you have no feelings for someone what so ever. It's another to pretend like you are fine and happy that they have another. Knowing somewhere deep down you actually wish you were them. 

So you say goodbye to tickle fights and car ride karaoke sessions. You put behind retarded conversations. Cuz now they're with someone else and you gotta respect that.

Just friends.

I knew from the start. I would never be picked. Yet I let myself spiral into this nothingness that I thought was something. At some point was a mutual agreement that there was something. It didn't really go anywhere after that. I come back after half a year away. The news hit me like a truck. 

Literally.

Not like he'd share the news with me. No. Someone else had to break it to me. I'll probably drift apart from whatever it was. It feels like a horrid heartbreak that shouldn't even be. 

Why do I feel like I'm losing more and more of my close friends?

It hurts. It feels like I'm slowly and gradually becoming more alone. Losing all the people I can talk to. Losing all the people that brought me happiness.

Maybe one of the reasons why I don't wanna go be around people is because I hated the feeling of transparency that is slowly returning. The transparency I used to have in school where nobody would see me. 

I feel my self deteriorating and I don't know how to stop it.

Everything feels like it's slowly being ripped away. 

21 September 2014

First and foremost, this post will and obviously contain spoilers. So if you don't want your movie ruined don't read further.

LAST WARNING. THIS CONTAINS SPOILERS.

So I caught Afterimages this weekend.

It's basically about these five people on their break. Staying together at some heritage house owned by one of their relatives (or somewhere down that line). It's starts with the introduction and background on the burning of effigies for the dead, more on the items burnt such as cars, mobile phones, houses, and a camera. And things take a curious turn when they realize they could sorta "communicate" with the other side and work in a sort of "trading system" with them whereby they burn cameras for films. So here's where you get your array of horror films from hell (won't spoil it all for you :3 yet). As usual greed takes over and things take for a horrid turn.

Overall it was an amazingly directed and written film by Tony Kern. I enjoyed the film as a whole. I loved the creative transitions and cuts. The little bits of jump scares that came off pretty well. Not over done. Just the right amount. The premise was really interesting and the concept definitely had me intrigued. That the "sending" worked both ways instead of one, like we know it to be. The storytelling was pretty clear and not much prior knowledge needed to understand and follow the film, which I think is really awesome for a film like this that dwells with cultural beliefs. I loved how there were a few seconds of cultural elements, like the third eye opening in the first tale that was well slotted in. Just enough for anyone paying attention to notice it and anyone who accidentally blinked didn't. 

Me having to point that out to my boyfriend and then later have one of the actors point it out to his other friends while explaining felt weird. XD but mere coincidence nonetheless. 

I felt like the stories gravitated from being horror to just a thriller. I was at the edge of my seat during the first story, that carried the superstition of not swimming in the pool at night for the ghost will pull you down and drown you. But i was really disappointed when it gravitated to the "better" spirits. I expected it to escalate as I progressed into the film but it sorta died off. The 2nd last story was a thriller-ish story about the girl with susuk. Personally enjoyed having a Malaysian tale represented in there (cuz i love my country). But it ended with her just pulling out the needles and growing old while everyone else escaped. I was honestly expecting more. It was like riding a roller coaster and enjoying that first drop and missing all the loop-de-loops that follow. 

The film had a handful of amazing acting talent in there and I enjoyed most of it. But I honestly think the film falls slightly short in a sense there were a few bad acting in it that made me question how they even got through auditions. The voice-overs were slightly off and it kinda brought me to my nerves a bit. Didn't really stop me from enjoying the movie but it's definitely in the back of my mind throughout the film. There were parts where the effects were a bit too overwhelming and I felt like there wasn't a need for so much of it. Honestly being an animator, I felt the cgi could've been better. There were scenes in the film with really "cheap" cgi that really threw the quality of the film way off. But it was an amazing idea to have the ghoul reassemble. I loved the foreshadowing of her being chopped into pieces as he was constantly seen choping chicken if not obsessing over that ring. I felt a bit disconnected between the cgi and reality in this tale but I saw why it was necessary. 

It was a nice little mood lightener to add a little bit of comedy into the film. I loved the variety of how the stories were told. The chekhov's gun with the lady's finger was pretty nice play on Asian cuisine (being a fan of lady's fingers myself). I don't blame the predictability of the tales. We pretty much expect the same for every horror tale told. The execution however was awesome. I loved the colour play in the film entirely it was very well done. The film had a couple of interesting ways that played with how we see "things" through our peripheral vision and kind of implemented it into the shots in the film which I think was a really creative move and thumbs up for that. I liked the ambiguity of the cries of the baby whenever something creepy happened in the tale where the lady jumped from the 29th floor. It had me a bit confused and wanting to actually figure out why was there this random baby crying sound whenever the spirit appeared or did something. The only down side on this tale was the reference to the grudge. Honestly I find this portrayal of ghost bit over done by now. I understand the grudge is a pretty iconic Japanese horror film. But really... Was a bit disappointed to see it in the midsts of all the creativity that the film has offered me.

The ending however came a little abrupt for me. Like they were rushing it. Honestly it has put me in a love-hate relationship with it. So they burned in hell and died. The fire effects in this scene was one of the tiny downsides to the film. It was very cheap. Not sure if they actually rushed through the editing or what. I liked the introduction of the original occupant of the place (that I didn really think it was important cuz it was pretty clear it was a portal between both works already). It was a nice little add to the ending where there were 6 bodies but you've been following these 5 college students. I found it slightly comedic how the spirits actually still gave film for trade with the extra cameras they made that never burnt that eventually burnt in the fire anyway. Didn't really have time to read the labels on the film stack. Makes me a bit curious about what films were sent over. 

Overall, the film is definitely worth the watch if you're into a little horror or just cultural films. The multiple timelines definitely kept the film interesting and you entertained. What it lacks in cgi, it makes up for in the amazing story telling and interesting camera angles. Definitely great effort for a local film. 

But when you sit down and think about it. Who actually made the film you are watching? After all it was supposed to be their film entitled "Afterimages" that consisted of all these clips.

Toodles, 
Rach

18 September 2014

This blog definitely reflects the control freak of an OCD I have. Probably one if the best and most annoying parts of me.

I've been really torn lately. Filled with thoughts that shouldn't even surface in my head. 

In the midst of all the work from my major. I'm definitely hanging in there as always. Still as passionate as ever about what I do. And I definitely love what I'm doing even if it's a pain in the butt. 

That's the whole point of picking a profession right? 

That's what I told myself 8years ago when I was doing my SPM. I wanted to do something I loved. Something that I found rewarding that is worth all the pain and suffering. 

Totally worth.

Then I have this gut feeling that I have wronged people, apologized, but things definitely were not forgiven even if it was said they were. Pretty retarded telling someone you forgive them and then still have this tension whenever you're with them. 

Or ignore their existence entirely when you're with them. 

What kind of two-faced inconsiderate person are you?!? 

Id rather you say it to my face that you will never forgive me for what I've done and you don't want me hanging out with you anymore. 

Bit harsh. But enough said. I'd never hang out with you anymore if you just said so. Rather than putting me through this torturous place of having to pretend like you have forgiven me (when we both know you're still holding a grudge) and hang out as usual.

Like seriously.

I told myself I don't care if I graduate without friends anymore.

Not everyone is gonna like you and you don't have the obligation to like everyone. 

I honestly think social media makes me sadder than I really am. We are a generation that deceives. That covers our loneliness with the hopes of likes and comment conversations on Facebook or Instagram. 

We lie and pretend our lives are better than they really are. Then scrolling through the feed makes you feel like you're life is so much shittier and uneventful. 

I'd feel sad and left out. Being in an entirely different country (although so near). Watching all my friends across the river have fun with all their lil outings and ramblings. And here I am. On a "same-old-same-old" routine of going to school, work, eat, work, sleep. I have nothing exciting to tell anyone who asks me how I'm doing (thank god nobody does).

What I'm trying to say is, I've been feeling really forgotten. Not because none of my friends actually bother to check up on me. I'm not that important. I'm saying it suddenly dawned to me that I have a microscopic number of friends here and it makes things worst that I'm hardly close to anyone.

Don't really think I need a social life.

Everytime I scroll through my feed I feel like I'm gradually disappearing and fading away. Like somehow I'm being replaced or erased. 

Maybe I should just be an introvert inside and out. Honestly. I hide behind this loud obnoxious persona because it takes away the social awkwardness I have with people. 

My school years have definitely shown me being me isn't gonna get me anything. Which is pretty true.

Someday I'll be completely transparent. And return back to square one of who I was. The quiet, socially awkward, shy person I am. 

I probably sound like I'm mumbling random stuff but I just needed to get things off my head. Maybe it'll settle my thoughts a bit more. I need to get new headphones.

Do you know what it feels like to be alienated?

But it's ok. I'm fine standing alone. I'm fine hanging out with people that don't acknowledge me. I'm fine with nobody really listening when I join in the conversation. I'm fine with walking behind everyone in the group. I'm fine being hated for things I did. 

I'm fine.

I'm fine with everything.

Probably falling into a lil depression state of mind. Thank god tomorrow is Friday. 

I probably decided that it's near impossible for me to find girls I actually like hanging out with. Besides the few I already know (and love to death). 

I don't like girls. I don't understand girls. The things they like. The stuff they do. The things they care about and find appealing. Sometimes there'd be some similarities. But seriously. I don't understand them. 

Maybe they're too matured for me to understand. 

I'm not a girl. 

Someday I'll track back and read all this and wonder what the fuck am I doing. 

If I could go back in time and give advice to my teenage self.

Dear me, 

Stop trying to please everyone. Stop trying to chase something that isn't worth a dime of your time. Good things will come. Understand that you're a late bloomer and it's a shitty feeling to watch your friends have boys swooning over them and stuff while nobody bats an eye at you. Make you wonder if you're really that ugly. Trust me. You're amazingly beautiful in ur own way. And you don't need anyone to make you feel that way. I know it's hard but you're special and gifted even if people don't swoon over your artwork or you. Your persistence is the strongest point. All you needed is to push yourself cuz you know you can do better. You'd be able to land that spot on the cheer squad because you're a better flier and brave enough to land a shoulder stand on the first try. You probably realize at that time that being a cheerleader will not get you the guys (like the movies promised) and that you're slightly afraid of heights. Be prepared to sit there like an idiot contented with a third place medal for it while everyone else on the squad cries and you don't understand why. You'll be the fastest 100m sprint girl in your school. A little sunburn never hurt anyone. Running is what you do best. You need to stop spending your days feeling ugly. It destroys your confidence. 

Stay awesome. 

Crazy how random my topics travel. I actually feel better.

Toddles,
Rach