I've spent countless new years eves with countless people from different parts of significance in my life. Often time wondering why why I'm here. A lot of these people mean a great deal to me. else i wouldn't be spending new years eve with them right?
I appreciate the quiet dinner and tv time until the new year with my parents. The small exclamations on the neighbors letting off fireworks, and us getting a free show.
I've celebrated with close friends, surrounded by booze and loud music. A life I probably would only dream of putting up with, but once a year, why the heck not. I never much enjoyed these.Often think about why we need to be surrounded by people that matter. Maybe I'm too comfortable in my own loneliness. If I wanted friends to get together it need not be an occasion before we do. But I guess an occasion is as good of an excuse as any.
I'm never a fan of these things. Whatever they may be. Wherever. Whoever. I very much enjoy my alone space. More often than not I feel more alone in a room full of people than by myself. People don't hear me when I make the effort to join a conversation and then tell me I dont converse very much at the end of it all. People look through me like I dont exist. And there's so many thing being around people make me feel. They make me feel like I dont belong, not intentionally, of course. Just me in my mind space.
It makes me all too tired sometimes. But I have to keep up appearances. I have to pretend like I like these things. That I'm comfortable. That I'm fine with this set up and this gathering. When maybe all I really want is a quiet evening on my own. Maybe I just want to lie here and let my mind beat myself up for all the things I know is wrong with me but I cant seem to fix.
I feel very lost in this new group of people I hang out with. I feel like a fish out of water.
I have never felt so alone in a room full of people.
Sometimes I feel like things are spiraling out of control and all I can do is spiral along with it because I dont really have any other choice. I feel very intimidated with people doing proper jobs and I'm just well, arting. I am very tired. There's a lot of things I dont really know how to do. I'm tired of the things I have to do just because. I do them anyway. Eventually.
I think I had a pretty decent run last year. Dont think I achieved anything amazing. Just going with the motions.
A lot of things scare me.
But in all honesty, I've never felt so alone in a room full of people.
I'm so tired.
And I know it sounds like I'm ungrateful for all the wonderful company I have. Dont get me wrong, These people are amazing and loads of fun to be with. Maybe its just me looking for a larger sense of belonging that isnt really there to begin with. I feel like I'm super entitled to things I'm not entitled to.
I dont know. I'm in a weird head space. Theres so much to be grateful for. Maybe I'll just lie here and let it consume me. Feel better tomorrow. I dont know how people do this.
I appreciate the quiet dinner and tv time until the new year with my parents. The small exclamations on the neighbors letting off fireworks, and us getting a free show.
I've celebrated with close friends, surrounded by booze and loud music. A life I probably would only dream of putting up with, but once a year, why the heck not. I never much enjoyed these.Often think about why we need to be surrounded by people that matter. Maybe I'm too comfortable in my own loneliness. If I wanted friends to get together it need not be an occasion before we do. But I guess an occasion is as good of an excuse as any.
I'm never a fan of these things. Whatever they may be. Wherever. Whoever. I very much enjoy my alone space. More often than not I feel more alone in a room full of people than by myself. People don't hear me when I make the effort to join a conversation and then tell me I dont converse very much at the end of it all. People look through me like I dont exist. And there's so many thing being around people make me feel. They make me feel like I dont belong, not intentionally, of course. Just me in my mind space.
It makes me all too tired sometimes. But I have to keep up appearances. I have to pretend like I like these things. That I'm comfortable. That I'm fine with this set up and this gathering. When maybe all I really want is a quiet evening on my own. Maybe I just want to lie here and let my mind beat myself up for all the things I know is wrong with me but I cant seem to fix.
I feel very lost in this new group of people I hang out with. I feel like a fish out of water.
I have never felt so alone in a room full of people.
Sometimes I feel like things are spiraling out of control and all I can do is spiral along with it because I dont really have any other choice. I feel very intimidated with people doing proper jobs and I'm just well, arting. I am very tired. There's a lot of things I dont really know how to do. I'm tired of the things I have to do just because. I do them anyway. Eventually.
I think I had a pretty decent run last year. Dont think I achieved anything amazing. Just going with the motions.
A lot of things scare me.
But in all honesty, I've never felt so alone in a room full of people.
I'm so tired.
And I know it sounds like I'm ungrateful for all the wonderful company I have. Dont get me wrong, These people are amazing and loads of fun to be with. Maybe its just me looking for a larger sense of belonging that isnt really there to begin with. I feel like I'm super entitled to things I'm not entitled to.
I dont know. I'm in a weird head space. Theres so much to be grateful for. Maybe I'll just lie here and let it consume me. Feel better tomorrow. I dont know how people do this.
