29 December 2008

i aint numbering this post. but hey...of all the tags i've dismissed. lets do one for old times sake.
p.s. i skipped the first part though...i aint tagging other people.

First Name : Rachel
Nickname : ...[technically u can give me any crappy name you want]
Name you wish you had : Andriod001
What do people normally mistake your name as : Lizard
Birthday : 16th November 1992
Birthplace : i came out of this gigantic orby thingy that crashed onto Earth
Time of Birth : T-minus twenty hundred seconds [if that even makes sense]
Single or taken : what would you like to know...
Zodiac sign : Scorpio...and i sting...xD

-Your Appearance-

How tall are you : um...160cm
Wish you were taller : YEAHHH...i'm like short short...
Eye color : my eyes are filled with the crappiness of my life...see...it's dark brown...
Eye color you want : emerald green
Natural Hair color : black...and when the sun shines it become brown...serious brown
Current Hair color : [read the above]
Ever dye your hair a bizarre color : i'm gonna dye my hair white//green//red...whichever works...xD
Last time you did something dramatic with your hair : you know...during phantom...i had like 500++ hair clips on my head...
Glasses or contacts : doesn matter to me...
Do you wear make-up : *coughs* hell no!!!
Ever had hair extensions : why would i do that?!?!
Paint your nails : when i need to...yes

-In the opposite gender-

What color eyes : i want snowy blue...
What color hair : any colour's fine really
Shy or Outgoing : both...i can deal with both shy and outgoing...
Sexy or Cute : *stares* i have no comments
Serious or Fun : well you can't have fun all the time now can you?!
Older or Younger than you : it's not like i'm gonna date him or anything...so age doesn't really matter...xD
A turn on : what do you want me to turn on?! tv?! computer?! radio?!
A turn off : hey..make up your mind here...turn on or off?!?!

-This or that-

Flowers or Chocolates : chocolates
Pepsi or Coke : coke
Rap or Rock : both
Relationship or One night stand : how about both...lawls...
School or Work : i go to school and i get homeWORK...so what's there to choose...
Love or Money : wahahaha...if the guy has so much moolahh i'd end up waiting for im to die...xD
Movies or Music : both...
Country or City : city
Friends or Family : how am i suppose to choose here...stupid

-Have you ever-

Lied : dont tell me you havent?!
Stole something : like an eraser, a few pencils, some pretty plastic crystal thingys...lawls...yeah i have...
Smoked : N E V E R
Hurt someone close to you : intentionally and unintentionlly
Broke someone's heart : how would i know...
Had your heart broken : THAT is NONE of your business
Wondered what was wrong with you : all the time...all the time
Wish you were a prince/princess : i am a prince?! owh yeah...bow down before me!!
Liked someone who was taken : why? have you?!
Shaved your head : no...why in the world would i do THAT?!?!
Used chopsticks : to eat in Sushi King u use chopsticks...YEAH I USE CHOPSICKS!!! stupido questiono
Sang in the mirror to yourself : i couldn't even start...i LOL-ed at myself...

Flower : heh...i'll let you figure that out...
Candy : mars bars!!!
Song : Davy Jones from Pirates of The Caribbean 3...that little melody davy jones plays on the piano of his...yeah...awesomeness...
Scent : you know the smell of famous amos cookies when you walk pass the store...gahhh!!! i'm gonna raid the store...
Color : this is stupid...
GoldMovies : what gold movies?!?!
Singer : ME!!! wahahaha...yeah when it rains...it's MY FAULT!!!
Word : lawls
Junk food : potato chips
Website : you're at it...
Location : MPH. Kinokunia. Borders. Times. Tower of Records. and obviously...MY ROOMMEH...
Animal : i love all creatures furry. bald. sharp. prickly. small. large. dirty. clean. all of them.


Ever cried over someone : do you have to ask?!
Is there anything you wish you could change about yourself : you don't know half of it
Do you think you're attractive : you asking me this?! well...i think i'm the fugliest person on the face of the earth
If you had to choose a fairytale as your life what would you choose : Grim's
Do you play any sports : i'm gonna slap you if you make me list down another damn thing.
What colour is your shirt : what colour is my what?!?! ou...it's black...
Do you wear matching undies : three letters...W-T-F
If you were to play the lead in a horror flick, what would your character be : wahahah...i'd be this andriod vampire shapeshifting guy [a girl can play a guy okay...i'm flat chested]. and the Grim Reaper's my father. and i go around killing people!!! muahahahaha...

fuhhh..it's done...
that was quick..xD
i miss the days where i could just sit still and not think of anything.
i miss those days where i could just breath and not feel the burden.
i miss the days where i would just skip everything and forget everything.
i miss those days where i'd sleep for majority of the day, get up for food and sleep again.

now i find myself at the edge of my seat.
i can't sit still.
i need something to do.
now i find myself wasting the remains of my year confused.
i can't think.
i need to breath again.

i got out of bed today. in exactly 2days it'd be new years eve.
everyone goes to count down. watch the fireworks. welcome the new year of 2009. make new year resolutions. and keep whatever that happened this year behind.
i'll get out of bed tomorrow. in exactly 1day it'd be new years eve.
everyone's making preparation for new year. set their clocks to ring at midnight. make arrangements to watch the fireworks. with friends. family. with the entire world.
i'll get out of bed on the 1st of January 2009.
everyone's still asleep from yesterday's celebration and party. school starts soon. the new year starts. time to make with what's here and now. this is a begining of an end.

i am not going to point fingers at anyone. but i found parts of my recent post in one of your blogs. rest assured i am very pissed at this. once again i am containing my anger as i am not supposed to explode as promised. you know who you are. and yes i can prove that you stole it, heck...i posted it earlier than you. if it mere coincidence, doesn't mean every single word has to be exactly the same. i hate it when this kinda crap happens.

my life is like a freakshow. everyday i do something stupid and leave it at there. then i hop blogs and read about others and their lives. the more i read. the more i wish mine was theirs. the more i wish i could switch lives with them. how is it everytime i get out of bed, it feels so much of a drag. god damn it. i got 24 hours to live again. i am forcing myself to blog today. i don't know why.


i want to be that happy estatic blogger again.

28 December 2008

i've been staring at this page. backspacing everything i was typing. i think this is the tenth time i'm typing it out. every time it's a different story but i end up running out of word before i could continue. and i decide i shouldn't talk about it since i have nothing more to type than three pathetic sentences. spam on the key thinking it was the backspace button but the letters don't disappear. it's the print screen button. FUCK. apply pressure on the freaking button. watch the letters i typed few seconds ago disappear.
change the window. skip this song. ask myself "why am i even blogging today". return to this window. stare at the emptiness of the box here where i was supposed to type.

i stopped for five minutes. i can't post anything today. FUCK i dont know what to type. i don't know what to post. i slept today. afternoons nowadays feel as if i was sitting on the stove. in the microwave. in the oven. i used to be able to sleep in the afternoon when i needed to with just the fan on. and right now it's FUCKING unbearable. right now even with all my lights off and my fan directly blowing at me at full speed. i still feel the heat. and end up waking up all sweaty. damnation. global warming.

internet's lagged again. don't blame me. i have been trying to upload all the pictures everytime i come online. i can't do anything about it. so really. pictures will take forever to get up. it's not that i don't want to. i fucking can't.

like i said. i kept to my words of no more four letter words. you see none.

P.S. the movie "the day the world stood still", don't waste your cash. don't waste your time. with the shallow story line. plus i don't even understand the fucking show. alien comes to earth in this orb thingy. havoc. havoc. alien sheds skin. turn human. i'm gonna save the earth. kill all man kind. havoc. havoc. big robot protector thingy. swarm of puny eat-everything bugs. havoc. world's gonna end. we're all gonna die. alien guy changes mind. saves their lives. goes to the orb thingy. big bright light. energy supply goes dead. orb thingy goes away. mankind lives. the end.

when did the earth stood still?!?!?!?!?!

26 December 2008

chirstmas is gone. i have no chimney for santa to come down on. though there's a christmas tree it's small but enough to spark up a little christmas spirit in everyone who enter. and the presents pile up underneath that tiny tree. the tiny foam wrapped in metalic paper presents hang. minature santas on sleighs. and unedible candy canes. the lights twinkle. with the silver star on the top. i unwrap the presents at the stroke of midnight. not so excited as i was 10years ago. i have lost my christmas spirit along with everything else. so i try to hide behind the fake little jolliness i put up. and smile when i yank open to find something i don't want under the tree. but they say it's a season for giving and not recieving. and here is where i sink deeply into the shadows.
i fought with my mum the day before christmas. about the way i am and how she tries to understand but doesn't. about how i talk too loudly and how rude i sound at times. about how i seems to close the door at her everytime she tries to talk to me. and the soap opera started. yes she cries again. and no i do not feel sorry for her. instead i'm sorry for me. of how i couldn't be some picture perfect soft spoken daughter she wants. of how i failed to just communicate with her when she wants to. of how life never seems to be a bed of roses with me around.
i ran and hide. that's what i do everytime life turns its back on me. i run. never wanting to face reality like i always have. reality seems to hurt way too much. in my space i hide. sitting at the corner where paper meets pen. and down goes my feelings on to the once blank piece of paper. no doubt i was just waiting to see my dad walk through those door with something to say about my little act with my mum that day. i am never wrong about this. i skip every song going through my ear drums. listen to the first five seconds and skip.
it gets sickening at this time. when you want to listen to music but every song that crosses your senses don't suit. and you find yourself just skipping every single song in that machinery you plug your ears to. and you have no choice because the sounds of the world just makes your stomach sick and your insides turn inside out. because at that time you'd rather turn deft than listen to any of the squabbles that's going to come your way.

so what happen to this once happy blogger.

life happened.

and now i feel caged. staring out the window with holes in my jeans. holes in my shoes. holes in my soul. where the emptiness lives to corrode the littleless spark of hope. spark of happiness. that is left. yeah. half of you would roll your eyes reading this just like that. without understanding what it must be like to be in my shoes. whatever crosses your mind. is just how i needed the attention. how i am being emotional. and how i just don't want to accept life as it is. so i say FUCK YOU.
go out more often. see the world. see what's happening in the alley behind your home. watch how everything slowly dies. observe how everything that's there to bring good now is more of a liability. weapons meant to protect lives now do more harm than protect. the world is no longer a place to run about outside and think you'd come back alive. everyday it's a struggle once your eyes open. it's a brand new day to relive what you lived yesterday.
grab your morning coffee. "what aroma?" you ask. take the papers and sits on the table sipping on your coffee reading the headlines. hair undone. teeth unbrushed. you walk into your office. face all the people who smile and pretend like they're your pals. when behind you they stab and kill every bit of goodness in you. everyone's smiling at you today. thinking it must be your day or something. hoping there's a promotion coming your way so you wouldn't need to eat chips for breakfast lunch and dinner. struggle to keep up with the rent. jolly you walk into your boss's office thinking he'd give you a step up after your latest project you spent sleepless nights on and worked over a runny nose and sore throat. then he gives you the pink slip and tells you to pack. cuz he didn't like you concept and neither did the critiques.
no you do not speak any more. you pack your stuff thinking of the rent now. and how you're going to fill this empty stomach of yours. your car breaks down on your way home. what are you gonna do. twenty bucks in your wallet for tonight's dinner. you call the tow truck and your line goes dead. you stand in the cold. what are you gonna do.

i'm a mere pupette in this game life plays. life pulls my strings. i have no might to fight and obey. life tosses me around and into the dirt. i just take it as it is. how scratched and rusted i may be. life doesn't care. life burns me and pierced through my system. poisoning everything i once love.

yeah. that's you life.

FUCK life.

22 December 2008

dont blame me for not updating. yes. i know i'm supposed to upload pictures from my Singapore trip. i tend to procrastinate a lot for all the people who haven't realized it. so for the past two days, i had my entire out of home for CF. my feet ended up being very sore from the first day itself. maybe it because i'm not used to the platform heels i wore with my loli. and walking was a real hastle on the first day. i think i stepped on at least 5 feets when i was walking. sorry. yes i spent a lot of money buying lots of stuff. i bought my two beloved Death note figurines. and now i have three.

day two of CF was more bareable. stupid performance. yeah i screwed up at the end. stop reminding me la. even i know. then again not all comments were bad. not that i really cared. at that time i just wanted to get it over with. then i changed into agito. much much much more comfortable than that tiny seifuku. i forgot to make a sign that says "no flash photography". yes. for all the insensitive photographers of cosplayers, flashes hurt our eyes and posing too long hurts our limbs. plus if you want to take a picture and are aware that we're talking to our friends, wait til we're finished. well. my feet are still killing me though. and yesterday i really just popped dead on the bed when i got home. i didn even bother to take off the costume first. and why do you have to take my picture when i'm sleeping. why people why.

all in all i had loads of fun during CF. made new friends. random strangers. met up with old ones. got mistaken for a girl who lost her phone. got attacked by a fan girl. yeah. fun.
no i dont have any pictures of the event so i'll be grabbing it from everyone else. my sister's a bad phtographer. half of everything came out BLUR.

i wonder why they put the doujin booths at the back. i had to walk back and forth just to talk to my friends and see what's on stage. stupid aint it.

i spent one hour awake in bed before i decide to get up. yes. my whole body ached even more now. i need a massage real bad. i've been yawning the whole day through. and now even typing is slow for me.
my commonwealth essay hasn't been done yet. stop asking. i do not know how to start. all the topics have left me braindead. my mind does't work when you put me in a box. it goes to stress mode and doesn't enhance it full ability. instead it kinda makes me retarded in a way.

dont ask me what happened to her him she he pondan gay aqua homo. people come and go. or maybe they just can't bear with me anymore. but like i care.

12 December 2008

ok. no more four letter words in my blog posts. no more swearing. no more being vulgar. im back from Singapore. i typed the wrong date in my last post...i'm still living in November cuz i dont want my holidays to end and SPM to start.

im way too lazy to put up my pictures at the moment. let alone upload them. i'll do them when i feel like it. the bus ride home was like...i wanna sleep but i can't and i ended up rereading my manga. and then got headache la.

everyones counting down for CF. and yes i'm getting sick and tired of hearing it. but i still put on a little act and go all "yeah im so excited too!!!". and i repeat the same lines for everyone that says that asking me what im doing and crap. now all i need to do is get my parents to let me stay over at my granduncle's so that it'd be nearer to sunway pyramid. or else my parents might just complain and say it's too far and decide not to let me go. pfffttt...touch wood...i wanna go...

somehow i find myself feeling really scared for some reason i do not know why. and it's not because of spm. it's like half the time when i've got nothing to do my mind starts thinking about nonsense that makes me feel at lost or something. i dont know what's troubling me but i know there's something that is. i come back and i feel somehow so outcast. time to change my blogskin again...woots!!!!

haih. tuition starts again. time to start studying. gosh. somehow i dont want to embrace the start of 2009. year of SPM. year to crap every last bit of crapation into my brain. yeah. nowadays i suffer from lack of sleep. i'm suppose to start on all my requests soon. but it's all such a killer damn it...

list of request to do:
[lets start with the hardest]
1. part 1: character design
part 2: part 1's character into yaoi manga page
2. ff3 [some charc i forgot her name] in battle with ff6 phumbaba[oO]
3. OC request[some robotic figther girl]
4. tattoo design [Pisces]
5. Fhyrn

half of the request i've been through...gosh...you people are killing me...
so i'm like stuck with what to do with the yaoi manga part of the freaking request...xD

gosh i saw the set of copics markers at sg!!!! darn...then my eyes went to the price tag...$$$$$$$$
*cries* nvm...i can't afford it...

darn...im not supposed to swear...but my sister's being such a &^%&^@!%#&!@$#%@$#!^%#

oodles of love,

05 December 2008

lawls. im in singapore. spending a week here running about wreaking havoc in this peaceful place on earth. haha. well i have to wake up at 6am on the 3rd november t renew my passport. yeah spent my entire day in the immigration office. doing crap la. take number wait for number. stupid freaking system they have there. so i spent my time doodling and smsing. i would've scanned it in but im way too lazy to scan right now.
so it's one week. no smses. no calls. be good people dont try to reach me....xD

then the 5 hours journey on the bus. rain. stop. rain. stop. rain. stop. and i drew on the bus. yeah i drew on the freaking bus. whoever said it's impossible to draw on a moving vehicle. im awesome. the bus ride was ok really. like an airplane on wheels. then half way through my freaking air conditioning started leaking. damn it. drip. drip. drip. drip. owh well. deal with it rachel...
then i went through immigration. blah. whatever.

i'll get back and all i have to do is post the pictures. xD

we settled at aunty may n aunty ping's house. yeah. then the havoc of 3 little kids running about making all the noise in the world like nobody cares. well, they have to right to. enjoy it while they can make all the noise and be excused for it. at my age you make noise you get screamed and stared at. i made a bulb burst. click button. POP!!!!! i was like. ZOMG!!! i haven been here for 24hours and i break something. then again, im here to wreak havoc right. aunty ping stepped on a piece of glass. so duh it bled. showered and slept.

woke up at 7am today. dont even know what to do. went and walk the dog. visited the mini mart. theres green nasilemak....lawls......GREEN....hahaha...walked the dog back to aunty ping's house and had aunty may cook breakfast for us. egg with cheese is awesomeeeeeee.....x3 we laze around til afternoon. and we went to BORDERS...
the biggest awesomest book store ever!!!!! lawls...im a book worm and i love books...i aint a nerd. yeah i stood there reading the yaoi manga i found. GOSH i wanted to buy....but guess what....
i bought the complete set of deathnote. all 12 books. and some extra stuff. cost a hell lot.
sure my dad'll kill me for this later. hahahah LATERRRRR

right now just finished dinner at aunty may's. returning later to my piles of deathnote to read....wahahahaha
L's my husband...xD
Light's my husband...xD
Matt's my husband....xD
wow....i've got 3 husbands....all from the same manga<3

ok my sister wants to blog


01 December 2008

i found myself today
found myself and ran away
something pulled me back
a voice of reason i forgot i had

dont ask me why am i posting twice today. somehow i feel fucking pissed off. yeah my mother's back from the hospital. and no i am not happy about it. i'd wished she'd stay there forever. i'd wish she'd never come back. yeah. i wish. i dont understand this act of hers. she's like overly purkey about everything every day and its fucking irritating. for fucks sake can't you be a weak defenceless ill person. why the fuck do you have to act like you're so happy you're ill. what the fuck is your problem. and she expects me to kiss her feet and obey her every commend just because of that. fuck cares if you're sick or not. i dont fucking care damn it. im not the reponsible child who does things when her parents are sick. fuck i don't even do that on a daily basis. i feel no sense of pity or what so ever for her. i dont fucking care damn it. and she's coming to me all pleading and crap asking me to help out more often. fuck you mother. fuckity fuck fuck fuck fuck you.


ok...i'll be going to singapore this week

so nobody sms or call me when i'm there yahhh....
unless it's urgent
like maybe your life depended on it

i'll be leaving on Wednesday, 3 NOvember

staying there for a week or so
and i'll come back more gorgeous pictures

for everyone to drool over...muahahahaha

i dont know the purpose of me going there actually
go there stay for a week or so with my relatives
no doubt they'll bring me around
omg...what am i gonna bring...

time to pack up...
i'm headed to my granduncle's tomorrow
sleeping over for the night
and then it's off to singapore...


i should just let my tattoo fade away right...
it's kinda tiring touching it up
after everytime i take my bath...

but it's so sad...to watch all my efforts

down the drain...


tuition just started. dying of boredom with 2 hours of bio and 2 hours of physics. WTF. so i sit there taking random shots of myself. well i still listen...
why the hell did they change the physics teacher...damn it...
and now i have a gay physics teacher who writes every single word he says on the board and cracks up lame jokes. and asks us to spell like we're in kindegarten. somehow he's a good teacher. but i still want the old oneeee...lawls...maybe partially cuz he's much better looking...wakakakakakaka...owh well...
one more month and my holidays are over
and then it's time to cramp my brain with all the stupidity of the world
and sit for my freaking spm
and after that don't even ask me what im going to do
cuz i myself dont know

i have to get started on that commonwealth essay thingy soon
and i havent even started
i dont even know which topic to choose
and owh puhleezzeee 1750 words is very very very short
how the hell do you expect me to write within a frame like that
this is what happens when i have to limit my words
my essay sucks...

since it's the holidays
and no one's gonna see it anyway
even if it doesnt come off



i spent the entire night fussing on it

so awesome right...xD


guess where it is...


i wonder how long it'd stay

cuz i used permanent markers

cuz if i didnt my efforts wouldnt go to waste

and the neck ache i had wouldnt go to waste


28 November 2008

i dont know why im doing this...
i just felt like it...
i spent my morning editing and uploading...
to clear my mind cuz my mum's back...



most of the photo's are taken with my phone...
and shots of the sky is more or less during a car ride...

so sad...
i want a dslr...

24 November 2008

procrastinator in the house...
this was supposed to be done loooooooooooooong time ago
but it has been in drafts
but im done with it...xD finally


lets rape the box...lawls...

bad idea to stick all that tape on my leg

tralalalalala....im feeling very patient today

look at the mess...AND THE LINKIN PARK CD AT THE CORNER....

full view the picture...esp this...there's a real nice note

pretty lil bracelet with the awesome's name on it...wakakaka

cwin cwin's gift....heh..=3

bad girly pink box...lawls...with not so girly present

random face...dont bother...

another shirt...

fuhh...addidas watch...x3

all the mugs i got....

16th november...self-confidence....lawls...yeah i lack of it

23 November 2008

I'm sitting in the dark

This is real

My tears wouldn't stop

My eyes are swollen by now

This is real

And i'm wondering

Why did i get myself into messes like this in the first place?!

i don't find having split personalities scary
why is it scary
i don't even know if this is gonna make sense or not

i'll start anyway

top two. on the right is O. on the left is X. they come from a rich family. lived in a mansion above the hill overlooking all of town. X burnt down the house along with their parents one christmas night. X is elder than O by 13seconds. on a daily basis X and O are about the same but on every Friday the 13th, X is a head taller than O. at times X and O would switch their clips so u can't exactly use the clips to tell them apart. X's shirt is always black with white stripes, more black than white. O's shirt is always white with black stripes, more white than black. X is undecisive about alot of things and tend to make wrong choices. she's quiet most of the time and rarely talks to anyone, except O. O is the younger one but she predominantly can be taken as the elder one as she usually takes charge of things. she speaks for X most of the time.

the one with the voodoo doll n the one in the dress. they're not twins. the one in the dress is Emily. a happy-go-lucky girl. she's all flowers and ribbons. she runs around in parks chasing birds and butterflies. Emily's just optimistic about life. ahhh...u get the point. she's two years older than Eve. the one with the voodoo doll is Eve. she's the pessimist. she locks herself in her room all day with all the lights off. and only comes out for food. she's very tempremental and gets really pissed off when people touch her stuff. Emily and Eve are sisters that were seperated because their parents couldnt afford to care for both of them. Emily was adopted by another family at the age of four. Eve was left into the world of abuse. her father turned into a drunk and often beat her up. so Eve has the idea that everyone is like her dad. out to beat her and torture her. she has herself a little voodoo doll to do what she needs to, to those who hurt her.

finally the one with the long hair. Gracie doesn't talk much like X. she herself has split personalities. on rainy days she's happy and all giggly and stuff. on sunny days she's just down right pissed off with the world and all who inhabit it. she has a brother. he's somewhere in the world but she doesn't know where. she carries that teddy bear around, everywhere she goes. and guards it with her life. people think she has a mental disorder cuz she tends to talk to herself a lot and sometimes she screams at herself for no reason. Gracie cries a lot cuz she's in pain. she tries very hard to be strong. Gracie is under denial that she killed her brother. she did but she's just a kid. it was an accident and nobody would understand.

toldya i wasn't making any sense at all

21 November 2008

My mum's in de hospital. Don't ask me why or how i'm coping with it. I'm fine. She's jus immobile lying no de hospital bed for now cuz she jus had her op yesterday. My dad spends his whole day there by her side. I can't even last a half a day. He feeds her barli n all the food de hospital provides. And makes sure she isn't disturbed. I watch them find her veins n poke tat needle into it. Where the nurse inserts a whole lot of medication from a syringe and made her cry. The nurses are nice at least. Then she is connected to a machine tat slowly inserts more medication in. My dad says it's a drip. Watever that means. I had my lunch in her room today. McDonald's. Feels as if i was camping in that room since forever. Keeping quiet n letting my mum rest wasn't a problem i had other things running through my puny brain. Owh. i was snooping around in my mum's inbox which i shouldn't have been but... "if they prick ur little finger, mine would bleed. but we can't both be crying..." i forgot de rest. My mum can barely talk right now. Or maybe it's me who can't make out the words.

Right now i feel as if i no longer know what to think anymore. Yea. That present i was fussy about arrived long time ago but my internet connection is so bad i can't even upload de damn thing. So i've given up, really. Like i said, i don't know what to think anymore. I know there's something seriously wrong with me. Cuz everytime it crosses my mind it hurts. Like literally it stings. And i can barely breath. I had to get up today n walk around just to catch my breath again. Sometimes it stings so much i occasionally resort to just wishing i was dead. Maybe it's a nervous breakdown. And no it's not because my mother is in de hospital. I no longer know what to feel. Right now i spend excessive time sitting on the roof watching the house behind mine take shape. That 3story building that took down all the trees behind my house that used to be such a nice little view when the sun sets and put cracks in my walls. That building. Ah. Crap. It's back. It stung. Like a minor heartattack. Painful but no closer to death than a little ant bite. I am slowly getting more and more disfunctional. I used to sing like no one's listening. But now i can't even find the voice to whisper. I used to dance like no one's watching. But now i can't even pick myself up n out of bed for a new day. I used to love the food i eat. But right now everything is tasteless. I used to have a lot of things to do even if i have nothing to do. But right now i just throw myself on bed and close my eyes wishing i never had to get up. I wonder if this minor heartattack thing happens way too often i might jus be dead one day from it. I'd be the first. My selfesteem is growing thinner as the clock ticks. I no longer want to touch MSN for that reason. I no longer want to be in contact with anyone. Ah. It hurts. Again. I know why i'm sick. I know why i have my nose clogged, my throat burning and my temperature rising occasionally. I know. For once in a very extremely long time, i had shampoo in my eye. It stings. Thinking maybe it'd blinded me. I'm going insane. I wake up everyday and scare myself. Slowly. Something. Is feeding de life out of me. I'm afraid of me. I really do wanna run somewhere. A place it wouldn't sting everything i thought of it. Somewhere i could just live. Right now it feels as if hiding is de only option i have. Believe me. Nobody can help stop the stinging. No one can make it better. I brought it upon myself n i don't think i am even sane anymore. I sat the entire night in my closet hugging myself. And it stung again. Tears started to trickle cuz it wouldn't stop. It was temporary like it always was. It decided to stay. I could've gulped down dozens of coke just to ease de pain. But i haven't touched a single can since my birthday. I am no longer in control of my life. I'm going to play "Still Life" on de xbox later. Something to keep my brain occupied. Then again if the pain decides to stay i won't even bother to drag myself down the stairs. How many of u see how much pain i'm in when u see me in person. None. A cleverly disguised poison. Polluting my entire system. Draining every last drop of strength in me. Bringing me closer and closer to insanity. No. Don't. Half of u want to understand and help. Don't. There's nothing anyone can possibly do. Ah. Fuck. This is worst than ur regular heartless heartattack. If ever it was tat simple. Pop. And ur dead. Ur heart stops n so do u. Damn now i feel like throwing up.

17 November 2008

LELOUCH...gyahhhhhhh <3
spent the whole night snapping countless shots of him
then i got confused and realized i fixed in two left hands

dont blame me...
i have pieces of my childhood that's missing

p.s. it cost me RM120 and a huge hole in my pocket


celebrated my birthday.
i dont have much of the pictures.
lazy to take.
and right now i lazy to blog.
a bunch of friends came over.
not forgetting my family members.
drank half a can.
face all red.
i was not drunk.
collecting presents and ang pau.
sinisterly planned game from my dad.
yeah. i had to vibrate my non existance ass.
but everyone loved it.
then most went home.
some stayed over.
we played water. got real drenched.
sat out in the porch playing the the great quality balloons.
naming all the balloons. killing them. lol.
then we cleaned up and dried off.
spent the night watching ''mind your language''.
playing cluedo.
i was busy smsing.
owh my cake.
i had jelly cake. yeah jelly. with lotsa colours on it.
don't laugh.
i haven't grown up though i need to.
i had a 'spongebob' cake n an 'ant's life' cake
i know i'm childish.
it was fun to have my friends over.
falling asleep watchin ''mind your language''.
off the tv and we're making noise again.
we slept. for a bit.
went to metroprima to watch madagascar2.
thank god for advertisements...xD
not as good as the first but ok i guess.
then we played with the lift.
up all the way to the parking.
all the way back down to eat 'teppanyaki'.
sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry keishh...so sorry...
im so sorry....
then back to my house.
ramya went home. then kavvish.
esther stayed for dinner.
saved from chicken rice. heh...
and now i'm here blogging.



i want to open my present
i want to open my present
i want to open my present
stupid postman...
bully me...
idiotic postman...
curse you...
rot in hell...
skin u alive...
dig ur eyeballs out...

16 November 2008

no the blood will not stop
no the pain will not disappear
no the scars will not heal
no the hurt will not pass
[[p.s. my shift doesn't work]]

''then eat some more ice cream.'' monotonal and sweet, the little girl at the corner in her favourite red dress. her silky charcoal hair drapes down her shoulders, just touching the floor. she held a doll in her arms; a pupette. the music box has fallen, playing the last of its tune. a sad silent call no one could hear.

she watch her life disappear. ''no. no. no.'' she ran fast; maybe just not fast enough. one by one they melted. her final cry. trapped in here forever.

the mirror reflected someone she knew. fixing herself; tightening the nuts and bolts under her skin. checking every detail. everything hides back under her skin. she sneers and leaves the room. the lights are off and the place is serene. in the mirror; she's still standing. pounding her fists on the barrier. she screams but no one can hear her.

the lights turn back on. the water cripples in the tub, but there, staring back are pair of glimmering blue eyes in the dark. begging. crying out. pleading. she sees her but she's in here. she tried; struggled.

the air is thickening in here. she can barely breath. slowly she's fading. burning out.

''then eat some more ice cream.'' monotonal and sweet, the little girl at the corner in her favourite red dress. her silky charcoal hair drapes down her shoulders, just touching the floor. she held a doll in her arms; a pupette. the music box has fallen, playing the last of its tune. a sad silent call no one could hear. she opens her eyes, those sparkly sapphire eyes. blood trickles down but you can barely see it. she's just staring; waiting for her time to come.

waiting to become nothingness.

yay...happy birthday to me...xD

15 November 2008

i am getting my belly pierced whether they like it or not
they have no right to say i cant
it's my body and i have every right to do whatever i want with it
assuming i wouldn't make such a decision, they think someone influenced me
it's just a little belly piercing
it's not like i'm gonna go all out and pierce my eyelids, eyebrow, nose n every possible part that's piercable
nobody's gonna see it anyway
even the school won't know
so why make me wait another 2 fucking years before i can pierce
i will pierce whether they like it or not
i don't care if they punish me owh so badly for it
i don't care
i feel my individuality slowly distorting
i feel my difference that makes me special disappearing
i feel my uniqueness stealing away from me
i feel the struggle to keep me alive
i feel
i do not want to talk about today
i feel like a big let down
i feel like a complete idiot
but then again i didn expect much from 2hours of learning n perfecting a 3minute routine is simply bullshit
acf was extremely boring
i wasn't even bothered to snap pictures
i spend my entire day loitering around timesquare
total waste
but now eating sharkfin
yummy...update later

14 November 2008

i hate it. how everyone comes telling me how great X is. how everyone comes telling how much i am like X. i hate it. i am not trying to be X. and i am most certainly not tyring to clone X. i dont clone people. it's idiotic to clone someone.

i despise it. how everyone compares me with X. how people tell me facts about me and X clearly i know. it's like as if you are rubbing salt into the wound. making things worst. i despise it. how everyone thinks X is better. how everyone takes me as second best to X.

i hate it. how everyone assumes i know where X is all the time. how everyone expects me to be stuck with X all the time. i hate it. how everyone likes X. how everyone loves X. how everyone simply adores whatever X does.

i despise it. how everyone sees me as a second to X. how everyone assumes i am copying whatever X does. how everyone thinks im in love with X. i despise it. how my self confidence gets crushed around X. how i feel so unknown around X. how X makes me feel more than invisble.

i hate it. how X does nothing but get all the attention. how everyone worships X. how everyone finds X so awesome. i hate it. how much i try X still remains on top. how much X undermines my confidence. how much X makes me feel so uselessly fugly. how X gets chances i'd never get.

then maybe. this might just be a little thing called jelousy. i know it is. it's so obvious it is. and how much i hate this. there are days i wish i was X. and days i just want to hang X to death for doing this to me.



i am depressed...very...

it's the last day of school. and i was counting down the minutes to 12 today. why i do not know. fact is i didn't do anything productive if that's what you people expected. sat down with keishailla, josephine, sri, marie, lulu, dudu, dhila, neermala, shangeeth, ramya, andrianna, huei cwin, theeviyah and we talk talk talk talk. well i didnt talk, they did. flashing back on times we had in primary shcool. and silly things we'd do. games we'd play and get in trouble for it. the long list of teachers we love and hate. the weird things they'd do.

then i went to library to watch Mama Mia. finish up where i left off day before yesterday. i can sing every song there is in that movie. wakakakaka. my childhood has been filled with mindless abba, beetles, etc etc. then again, those are nice songs. though old. then after that got kicked out again. lepak at sc3 again. sit there talking with lulu,keish, andri,cwin n meiyeen. recess. ahhhh...my very last recess. then i had to bring back the MnM box. owh owh. me, andri, cwin was playing dots. connecting the dots is fun. ahahahahaah.

gosh. we sembah the class. mourned over the erasement of our board. seh, ourboard look so empty after i erased it. sob sob. so sad. cuz it doesn't seme like our class anymore. ahhh...then we were singing as we were cleaning up. woots. noisy sehh. but we dont care. then i was sweating like hell there. so freaking hot. and MissGoh had to give a long long speech. and when we cheered she's just ask us to clap. i'm not much of a lady so cheering is a must. hahahahaha.

then i had extreme pain. what made it worst, my mum came half an hour late. and i had to stand there and the excruciating pain kept coming and going. felt like dying. dunno whats wrong oso. then in the car. i don't know if she is blind or what, can't she see i'm in pain. some more want to go selayang mall eat sushi king. well, i wouldn't turn down such a thing. but at that time i just wanted to go home, lay on the bed and sleep off the pain.

maybe i was rude to her in the car. sorry. today's her birthday and i pissed her off yesterday. today's her brithday and i haven't wished her. what a daughter she has. sigh.


i am really sick of everyone in the world telling me
'i don't have a girl/boyfriend la'
'why isn't there anyone chasing me'
'i'm [insert age] and i still dont have a gril/boyfriend'
'help me find one'

do i look like a professional match maker to you. do i look like i know that many people. do i look like i even care [ok maybe i faked that face]. heck.

some of you are so freaking stuck up even i cannot stand you. what more everyone else. some of you are just plain desprate. i dont understand whats the rush in finding a girl/boyfriend. it's not like the worlds gonna end tomorrow and you have to get one asap. or maybe you think it's a trend you have to follow cuz your friends have them, you'd have to have as well or else you'd feel isolated.

look on the bright side there are plenty of unmarried people in the world. maybe you're just one of them. gosh im so mean.

but i am really getting so fucking sick and tired. it's worst when you people come and tell me all your sad sobbing soap opera stories. as if i haven't heard enough of it. one will come telling me 'boohoo my boyfriend cheated on me. i'm so sad.how can he do this to me.'. the other will say 'my girlfriend doesn't understand what i tried to tell her.'. seriously as if complaining to me makes anything better. aren't you people supposed to talk amongst yourselves and sort things out.

when you people get into a quarrell both of you don't want to talk to each other. okay. fine. don't talk. that's ok. but you people say you guys don't want to talk to each other, when you see each other it's like.
'tell him i dnt want to see him'
'tell her i dont care'
'tell him i dont either'
'tell her to get out of my face'
WTF people. you said you weren't gonna talk to each other. and i feel like MSN. conveying your messages to her/him. and i'm too nice of a friend to actually tell both of you off. people ask me why the hell do i go with it. i smile and say, 'they're both my friends'.

you two will be so sweet and loving together and when you break up, you cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry. as if it helps. i can do with the cyring. just offer shoulder and be there for them. that's okay. by far this is the worst ever idea anyone has come out with probably she's been watching too much 'John Tucker Must Die'. cuz that's what she told me to do exactly. lie to her ex. make him fall in love with me. and shred him into pieces. seriously. if you feel played by that idiot then keep it to yourself. don't drag me into this. all you have to do is let go and move on with you pathetic life. why do you hold back.

yeah. for the first few weeks it's okay to cry and crap. hell, WTF are you trying to pull when you drag it on to a month or two. the mention of th e name and you burst out in tears. i sit there and roll my eyes. i no longer lend my shoulder for you to cry on.


plans for tomorrow.
ACF. dance competition. keish's party.
i shall be out for the entire day tomorrow. somewhat like that. toldya i'm a busy person. hahaha...

ok...my birthday.
guess i'm celebrating it on the 16th of Novembaaa
sitting at home. alone in front of the computer. lawls. yeah. riteeeeee....
let's play with some water. a lot of water. get all drenched. run into the air conditioning. catch a cold. wakakakaka.
um...then we stay up. i dont know what we're gonna do. but we'll stay up. unless you people want to sleep.
then...we...um...might just go bowling. though i suck. we open that flappy thingy so there's no long kang. hahahaha...then all you have to do is roll the damn ball. hows that.
i forgot to ask you people...what time you'll be going home...lawls...die la die la...xD

owh well...anything's fine...it's just an ordinary birthday party
nothing special about it....
everything's normal...

just the way i like it...

13 November 2008

i have nothing to nowadays
sitting at home
either i'd be playing burnout craching cars
beating up people playin the punisher
of sleeping
sitting in front of the computer is a sure thing as well

big whoop that my birthday's coming
and i hardly seem to care...
i am not really bothered
lawls...what a joy...

i spent my morning
freezing to death for no apparent reason
yeah...no apparent reason
i am not sick
i had chipsmore and 2 cans of coke
then my mum came back with lunch
i feel like there's nothing to do now
i sit here and i wait for the computer to load
wait for the internet to connect
wait for msn to sign me in
wait for google to load
wait for blogs to show up on my screen
reads everyone's blogs
after that limewire doesn't want to connect
and i have to wait again
i run upstairs and lie on my bed
turn on my player on my phone
cuz my mp3 hasn't been charged in months
and my radio sucks
today's thrusday
i have dance class...
boy boy...=.='''
competition la dun play play
make a fool out of urself den you know
i was looking forward to this for the past few days
n now somehow i got no mood to go...
twinkle twinkle little star
yes sir yes sir three bags full
q r s t u v

10 November 2008


this is what happens when you put two mirrors slanting at different angles and me...xD

i feel so nostalgic right now
just finished the school album for the musical
and damn
i really do miss the hours of practises and days after days for stay back
my legs and fingers are crampped
tomorrow i have 4 periods of sejarah
what a drag

well i spent my day in class singing
the whole bunch of us
sing sing sing non stop
disturbing the peace
spoiling the song

now my abdominal muscles hurt...lawls...

i seriously have communication problems with my mother
i seriously cannot have a proper conversation with her
but it's normal
if it's such a hastle better i dont celebrate my birthday
save all the trouble
save all the talking
save all my energy
save all my brain power to think before i speak

what's there to blog about

good luck for those sitting for SPM

im sitting for it next year...xD


someone save me from this place