21 November 2008

** Ninety One **

My mum's in de hospital. Don't ask me why or how i'm coping with it. I'm fine. She's jus immobile lying no de hospital bed for now cuz she jus had her op yesterday. My dad spends his whole day there by her side. I can't even last a half a day. He feeds her barli n all the food de hospital provides. And makes sure she isn't disturbed. I watch them find her veins n poke tat needle into it. Where the nurse inserts a whole lot of medication from a syringe and made her cry. The nurses are nice at least. Then she is connected to a machine tat slowly inserts more medication in. My dad says it's a drip. Watever that means. I had my lunch in her room today. McDonald's. Feels as if i was camping in that room since forever. Keeping quiet n letting my mum rest wasn't a problem i had other things running through my puny brain. Owh. i was snooping around in my mum's inbox which i shouldn't have been but... "if they prick ur little finger, mine would bleed. but we can't both be crying..." i forgot de rest. My mum can barely talk right now. Or maybe it's me who can't make out the words.

Right now i feel as if i no longer know what to think anymore. Yea. That present i was fussy about arrived long time ago but my internet connection is so bad i can't even upload de damn thing. So i've given up, really. Like i said, i don't know what to think anymore. I know there's something seriously wrong with me. Cuz everytime it crosses my mind it hurts. Like literally it stings. And i can barely breath. I had to get up today n walk around just to catch my breath again. Sometimes it stings so much i occasionally resort to just wishing i was dead. Maybe it's a nervous breakdown. And no it's not because my mother is in de hospital. I no longer know what to feel. Right now i spend excessive time sitting on the roof watching the house behind mine take shape. That 3story building that took down all the trees behind my house that used to be such a nice little view when the sun sets and put cracks in my walls. That building. Ah. Crap. It's back. It stung. Like a minor heartattack. Painful but no closer to death than a little ant bite. I am slowly getting more and more disfunctional. I used to sing like no one's listening. But now i can't even find the voice to whisper. I used to dance like no one's watching. But now i can't even pick myself up n out of bed for a new day. I used to love the food i eat. But right now everything is tasteless. I used to have a lot of things to do even if i have nothing to do. But right now i just throw myself on bed and close my eyes wishing i never had to get up. I wonder if this minor heartattack thing happens way too often i might jus be dead one day from it. I'd be the first. My selfesteem is growing thinner as the clock ticks. I no longer want to touch MSN for that reason. I no longer want to be in contact with anyone. Ah. It hurts. Again. I know why i'm sick. I know why i have my nose clogged, my throat burning and my temperature rising occasionally. I know. For once in a very extremely long time, i had shampoo in my eye. It stings. Thinking maybe it'd blinded me. I'm going insane. I wake up everyday and scare myself. Slowly. Something. Is feeding de life out of me. I'm afraid of me. I really do wanna run somewhere. A place it wouldn't sting everything i thought of it. Somewhere i could just live. Right now it feels as if hiding is de only option i have. Believe me. Nobody can help stop the stinging. No one can make it better. I brought it upon myself n i don't think i am even sane anymore. I sat the entire night in my closet hugging myself. And it stung again. Tears started to trickle cuz it wouldn't stop. It was temporary like it always was. It decided to stay. I could've gulped down dozens of coke just to ease de pain. But i haven't touched a single can since my birthday. I am no longer in control of my life. I'm going to play "Still Life" on de xbox later. Something to keep my brain occupied. Then again if the pain decides to stay i won't even bother to drag myself down the stairs. How many of u see how much pain i'm in when u see me in person. None. A cleverly disguised poison. Polluting my entire system. Draining every last drop of strength in me. Bringing me closer and closer to insanity. No. Don't. Half of u want to understand and help. Don't. There's nothing anyone can possibly do. Ah. Fuck. This is worst than ur regular heartless heartattack. If ever it was tat simple. Pop. And ur dead. Ur heart stops n so do u. Damn now i feel like throwing up.

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