** Fourty Three **

what have i done
the doors opened n i entered blindly
now what i face,i face alone
blood shall rein and tears shall fall
there was a leap of faith i shouldn have taken
your hand i shouldn have thrust
the guilt is on me
going on doesn mean being apart
reaching higher doesn mean saying good bye
why the stubborness
it started out like a dream come true
boy meets girl
girl meets boy
and the orkhids bloom
slowly and silently it turned to what i feared
i watch you scream
i watch you fight
and start to think if everything was worth it
i probably shouldn say this
but at times i get so scared
questioning fact from fiction
if youre not going right
you go left
if youre not going front
you go back
seeing you stand there waiting
kills me
guilts on me
it's like i'm the cause of all this
like everything was fine and dandy before i came
like the storm came and crushed
now fingers point at me
when i haven got a clue what went wrong
i dont want
i dont want
i never wanted
things to turn out
and tho you may try to fight for what we have
one way or another you will have to go
you begged
you plead
you went on your knees
fact is
letting go might be the only way
fact is
i don't want to
fact is
there is absolutely nothing i can do
so right now
i ask myself
do i love you ?


*****

i feel transparent
its been scratched shattered distorted so many times
god!!
im putting a dart
into my very own heart

******
nobody touch me.nobody bug me.nobody come near me.i'm shutting my doors.i'm not letting anyone in.i'm killing out everything.i'm bringing myself back to life.back to who i was before.the one i became numb to.the one i used to see in the mirror.i have lost touch.i have lost me.whatever thats left of me.whatever thats left behind.cracked and faded.heal me.


R A C H E L