** Fifty Six **

spent my afternoon in tuition
after school
so very tired
our M&M's performance + ChoralSpeakin + Inter-racial Love Dance
for the MERDEKA celebration went well
and went crazy singing national songs
including the NEGARAKU
wow right?!?!
i'm sorry i had to turn down all outings
for the countdown
to be honest i have never went to a single countdown in my life
and i do want to go
but i'm gonna be stuck in JOHOR for the rest of the weekends
yeah
with my relatives
and i havent packed
gosh would it kill to have at least one cousin my age that clicks with me
everytime i go there
they all start speaking some alien language [mandrin+hokkien]
i dont understand
heck!! if they spoke japanese i still could understand a bit
so i practically hate my cousins
and they hate me too
haih
but it's good to go back and visit my uncle and aunt
owh and get some nagging about wearing all black
from my "awesome" grandmother
which reminds me...
i better pack non-black clothes
ahahaha...GREEN!!!!!!!!!!!!

you know...when you see me with scratches on my knees
my computer table attacked me
everytime i move my leg
*scratch*
i got 3 ade
curse you computer table!!!!!

owh almost forgot...
Josh and Apple ur designs...
i simply did la..got red and black there
you two choose urself la
dont care you all ade la

and someone please comfirm with me the date for the competition
and the practise's date and times
xD
later i cannot go den die!!!!
either that or u all teach me before i leave...xD

owh i'll be leaving tommorrow after jap class
haih...
gosh...
*charges mp3*
ok...
i need it to survive through all the cousins
and aunts and uncles

***********************************

of i changed my skin
i panicked when i pasted the code
and everything went wrong
i was like
OMG OMG WTF WTF OMG WTF WTFOMG
and then i just dunno do what
steal abit from this one
steal a bit from that one
and OKAY ADE!!!
fact is i dont know what went wrong
kept edditing
and there was no difference
so i just stole
if i knew what was wrong i would've corrected it
but i dont!!!

ahh my cbox...
i'll do later spammers...^^
you people be patient...x3

ahhhhh...

i'll bring my ORANGE STRIPED SHIRT!!!!!
since my green one is wet...xD

** Fifty Five **

ahhh...perfects...where do i start...
half the student body H A T E S them...
and i'm no different...
practically no one takes pride in getting offence slips...
but that's where i come weird...
cuz i do take pride in getting them...xD
there's something very stupid about prefects
i'll get to that later...
one's pink and one's yellow...
there's something funny about it...
go ahead spot the difference...



i just noticed it T O D A Y
some most prefects really have NO BRAINS
i mean...you make me wear a name tag for a reason...
i excuse normal typos of my name...
example:-
kong yi ru
kong yee ru
kong yii rou

at least they still sound somewhat close to my real name
i'm not that particular with it
but up to the extent of changing my SURNAME is just
DOWNRIGHT STUPID
dont know how to spell come check my name tag laa...
no brains...
and most of them just blindly follow the rules...
helloo...my hair is short...i know
and i already took the effort to tie two
so there's still abit of short ones falling out
that one oso she ask me to pin?!?!?!?!
WTF!!!!!!!!!!!

****************************************

teachers...
where do i begin...
yeah they teach us and fill our brains to the brim
with formulas & words & facts & stuff
just for us to score a's
and where does all this glory go to?!?
the teachers
hahaha...not really
it goes to the countless hours we spend at tuition
concentrating
for some reason the teachers in school think
they're the best there is
and that if we want to pass our exams
all we have to do is
finish their work
pay attention in class
shut up when they're explaining
seriously. thats pure BULLSHIT

there are students who "bodek" teachers
and they think that way...they'll
remain in the teacher's good books
well...there's a whole different story in the teacher's room
you may help out so much
and be all miss goody crap shit
and you know what she'll say about you?!??
she'll say you're some dog
that kisses her feet 24 7

as how students gossip [bout teachers & students]
teachers do the same thing...

but sometimes things really get out of hand
and teachers go all out to destroy one's dignity
fact is i NEVER liked teacher's daughters in the school [not u mich]
they think they can get it all just because their mum works here
owh...little girl...cant stand on her own two feet
needs...mommy's hand to get through school
GROW UP FREAK!!!!!
you have to realize...that when you mess with one of us
you mess with all of us
and all of us CANT WAIT for you to leave
no use trying to win us over
with your pathetic desprate act of yours
you're an alien
an outsider
and thats all you'll ever be to us
stupid teacher's twisting tales as they like
oneside say "owh i didnt know"
the other side say "i told her to tell you all"
WTF are you taking us for???
some stupid dumbasses you can lie to??
IDIOT
at first we dealt with your lameness
but now it's just gone overboard
you need to walk the plank
sleep with the fishes
why do you complaint about unfinish work
and yet
when she wants to get the book to finish that work
you dont want to give
then how you want her to do
FREak....
so it kinda sucks in a way

how sometimes
people we trusts turn out like idiots
gosh..
i wonder why do i even bother...

** Fifty Four **

i really dont know what to say anymore...
really i dont...

1.00am
H: hey rach....

R:what...sleeping la

H:still angry eh?!

R:you think?!

H:sorry lohhhhhhhh

R:sorry no cure...idiot

H:why so cold to me now....

R:cannot la....my wish la

H:dont liddat la...i screw up one time nia....

R:what one time?!?! before that you did once too...and i forgave you for that
and if you're going to go around being a friend in the begining to my friends and
suddenly treat them like trash............

H:hello....she was getting on my nerves...and so was HE

R:*silence*

H:why you have to...so.....

R:whats your problem...he's just my friend la...friend oso cannot meh?!

H:friends oso dont until...

R:whats your freakin problem la!!!! what you want me to do...
no mix with any of my other friends that arent girls la?!?!?!
is that what you want me to do?!?!
well...then....
sorry mister....

H:no no....dont get angry rach...

R:fine i dont get angry...

H:but you are still angry...

R:whats your point...

H:*sighs* rach....why...you...

R:why me what?!?!

H: i thought u....

R:you better speak in full sentences can or not?!?
its not like i can complete your sentences!!!

H:*sigh*

R:Look....

H:im listening...

R:dont try to deny it...there's a distance between us now...

H:yeah...but...

R:shut up...let me talk....

R:tell me something...the you that i bunked with during the camp...
is no longer here...and i really dont understand why you changed...

H:you wanna know why?!?!?
it cuz...knowing you made me realize how immature and stupid i've been

R:you calling me stupid and immature now?!?!

H:no...no...not like that...no i didnt mean that...i mean ME...
no...you isten to me....

R:no,H,no....YOU listen to ME....

H:this is silly rach...can we not do this?!

R:you are the one that called...

H:i called to make up not break up....

R:too bad for you then....

i hung up...
didnt want to hear anymore...

even taking it a bit a day
isnt gonna make anything better

its like lighting a match...
you start a fire...
burning the end of it...
giving you light...
without knnowing how much pain the match is in...

i'll be the match...

i feel a certain part of me that wants to just kill myself for all i know.
it's like...
why the hell does my life has to be so freaking complicated?!
why the hell do i have to go through all this crap?!
man...it's not like i really need it...





yeah my relatives say

ITS JUST A PHASE

what's the problem with the world when i dont talk
i just did you people a favour of making the world a more quieter place
nothing wrong with that?!?!



my mum expects me to be miss owh-so-perfection barbie of a doll
and she comes up with all kinds of

WAYS n MEANS

to change that simple fact



is it really that hard...
to accept me for who i am?!?!

gosh...school.....
i go through school today
bare able to walk...
im not gonna complain about the pain...
it's normal...
it's just one of those chapters in life
where one day seems to take forever to finish
i feel as if i've spent my whole day
just plain walking...
which...hurts...
well...tomorrow taekwondo...
lets just see how i make through that....xD

** Fifty Three **

im in so much P A I N
just came back from my competition
BTFC closed championship
and i got through the first round just fine
i faught with Addina
and won
then through out the whole waiting event
my heart started pounding
started getting nervous
[[i am in no position to type much]]

long story short
the battle for gold was pretty stupid
well...cuz i was the stupid one...
Joanne Lim Bee Hoon
lawls...she's blue belt
yeah...and i lost to her
well truth is...its not matter of got face or no face
she really beat me up pretty good
i twisted both my wrists today
and probably both my ankles too
and both my feet has bruises...FEET
and my tighs hurt on both sides
and i have a bruise on my knee
i couldnt feel my arm
i fought a hard but hopeless battle
half way through
i couldnt even hold up my right arm properly anymore
it was vibrating like hell
and that stupid st.john there
can ask me where somemore
i can take pain
but it was up a level even i couldn't take it anymore
my right arm swollen and unable to move
it was red like real red...and i seriously couldnt move it
and right now
just a little bit of pressure makes it burn
well....
at least she was nice enough to offer to help after that
and she became my buddeh!!!!!! xD
well...no wonder she's so good
she trains 3 times a week
and i only do 1 time a week
the age factor doesnt really bother me
and i dont think it really matters
she's a real nice girl...^^

and right now

i cant walk
i cant write
i cant hold my chopsticks
i cant run
i cant jump
i cant type
basically i cant do anything that requires my wrists
so yeah
i won silver
better than nothing i say




and for the first time in my life
the pain was incredibly indescribable

** Fifty Two **

my mum has to understand the meaning of personal space.
pleaseee laaaaa...
can you not see i am doing something
like really focused and into it
how can you just walts in and nag at me
"girl clean your room"
"girl take ur clothes up"
"girl sweep ur floor"
"girl keep ur room tidy"
"girl go take ur bath"
"girl go to sleep"
WTF
i might still act like a kid
but i certainly have a BRAIN to think
i will do the above later...
and when i tell you i'll do it later
"later later later!! your later like forever liddat
never come wan!!!"

maybe you dont understand how fragile my ideas are

they dont come like air you know

especially the real good ones

they're like rain the the drought

and you...nicely shoo-ing the rain away

and do you not understand that i want to be left alone?!
why cant you get it?!

do i really need to tell you directly

"MUM GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY ROOM!!!"

i dont think she wants to hear that

neither do i want to say it

has no brains or something...trying to be friendly at the wrong time

i answer in frustrated tones

should do good to get the message across that i do not want you around

pestering me

*draws a big circle in the air*

This...

is my personal space

intrude if you must

fark!!!!!

my sister another one

people depressed...in the room

sitting there listening to linkin park

the stupid girl comes in and starts making a hell of a noise

llike as if i'm not there...

WTF MAN

do i really need to put a "do not disturb" sign on my door?!?!

personally i do not think that's necessary

cuz nobody likes me when im pissed off

and its even worst when i crack

oh...rest assured i dont crack often

but when i do

the world might just end...

i dispise people reading over my shoulders

and its even more irrtating when you're drawing and

your sister looks from behind your shoulder

fact is i dont want her to see what i draw

cuz imediately she goes into a mind block

and draws the exact same thing

which is not good if she wants to improve

[gosh...wtf is wrong with me?!?!]

then again

she comes and messed up my room and

i have to clean it

WTF right?!?!?

do you not understand the meaning of personal space

do you have to make me shout so you'd go away

do you want me to scream just to get the message across

do you?!

** Fifty One **

damn my keyboard! i desprately need a new one, i cant be pasting my a's everytime i wanna post or type something.

i have this feeling...
deep inside of me...
that i cant explain...
OK
*runs to the fridge*
i'm hungry...xD [lame rachel lame]

first of all...

sorry Josh bout ur blog...><

Josh is dying to blog...xD

i know i promised you like days ago

but i have no time to do so

rest assured i'll get it done asap ^^

dont worry...

you will blog...xD

i'll do ur blog today...=3

darn its the holidays and im up so early...
well...its not like i have time to post at night
ok...
practises at my place for the KUNDEJEMS
Thursday = 9am
Sunday = 7pm
u either eat ur dinner before you come or after
we have not much time to spare
so no dinner...xD
we only have 2 days together
hopefully we'll get the things covered
with the amount of crapation thats bound to happen
darn
if half the class shows up only
[which i hope not]
whats the use....
*hides food*
no eating....practise...
*hides potato chips*
*hides biscuits*
*hides M&Ms*
*hides crackers*
muahahahaha....

some people just dont do well in school

their talent lies somewhere else

so why does the world assume

drop outs are hooligans

drop outs are stupid

drop outs are useless

drop outs are disrespectful

whats wrong with the world is that

they cannot accept people for who they are

heck...

if your kid doesn't like talking

let her be

if your kid talks too much

let her talk

if your kid speaks loudly

doesn't mean she's angry

if your kid sits in front of the comp everyday

doesn't mean she doesn do her homework

then again...

what parents would understand

damn man....

everything's considered emo now

wear all black = EMO

all dark sinister atmosphere = EMO

slitting wrist = EMO

slouching when u walk = EMO

dragging ur feet = EMO

"i dont care" attitude = EMO

seriously....majority of the people in the world assume

"...owh black...EMO"

"...owh slitting...EMO"

thecnically...emos have become an endangered species

TRUE emos...i mean

not those fake ones

you see trying to be emo [n failing]

those "lala" freaks especially

they just think it's "cute" to be emo

and to them being emo is just to get the "attention"

screw you "lala"

ahhhh...

the polution of the EMO community...

getting more and more frustrated

half the people i know tell me i should forgive

the other half tells me i shouldnt n just end it

so tell me now....

WTF am i gonna do about it...

dont give me "follow ur heart" bullshit all...

somehow...

i cant tolerate this any longer

believe me...

i can wear luminous yellow...

and still be emo...

there's no Black in EMO

** Fifty **

*sigh*

who am i gonna blame

for my stupidity

for my immaturity

for my childishness

for my randomness

for my uncreativeness

who am i gonna blame

for my mistakes

for my lies

for my screw ups

NO ONE

oh the irony of my life

went to mamak stall with tuition buddies

order order order

"ok i want hot tea"

"i want cold one"

and the freaking waiter went

"i repeat the orders..."

bla bla bla

"two hot tea..."

"one no ice, one got ice."

L A M E

ah...my life...

so lame..

it's raining and i cant go out

or do anything

stuck at home for the rest of the holidays

wow...

that sucks

want to go out oso have to beg like hell

better no need la

go out have to think of what to wear la

think of what to bring la

crap la my life

something really bugs me. and im sure it bugs everyone else. imagine you're in a very extremely long line. waiting patiently. and when it's close to your turn. some fat byotch comes and just slot herself in front of you. then when her friend tell her there's someone lining up. "dont care la...we late for movie ade..." WTF man...you late your problem la. why didnt come earlier. common sense la. the line for popcorn and coke will be long. and that fat slut can look at me and smile summor. F U C K Y O U. feel like slapping that flabby face of hers. then worst comes to worst. she say late ade hor? stand there dunno what to order. really...i boiling ade behind her, got steam ade.

cut line

stand there like one stupid

dunno what to order

dunno dont cut line first la

damn it

people line up waiting for 45 minutes. and you nicely cut line. waste time. then that lump of fat took another 5minutes. Just to decide to get herself a packet of mentos. WTF. then that guy told her no more. dont understand english issit??? NO MORE. TAK ADA. MEI YOU. she still stand there. keep asking and asking. idiots la some of the malaysians here. fine...so she wasted 5minutes of my time. n not order anything. damnnnnn... if i didn't love my shoe...it'd go to her flabby ass ade. pissed off like hell that day.

*************************

now for the present...^^

oO...rain stop ade and i still havent finished

blog skin blog skin

taekwondo taekwondo

train train

run run

sit ups sit ups

kick kick

push ups push ups

skipping skipping

practise music practise

play xBox play

eat eat

no more coke no more

birthdays

draw draw

add math add math

tv tv

computer computer

internet internet

that's about it

what i plan to do in the holidays

owh...

i forgot...

my assignments

-moral powerpoint

-sketch

-choral speaking

-t-shirt design

-merdeka crap

-bio notes

-sejarah notes

-4sc1's family diagram

*sigh*

so much for my holidays

** Fourty Nine **

for someone like me
who loves art
and everything about it
there is nothing nice about it
when people tell you
you're not meant to draw
and some other crap i do not wanna deal with
so my drawing skills might suck now
doesnt mean it'll suck forever
and if you're gonna diss me about what i love
yeah
you flick through my book
and comment all sorts of things
dont get me wrong
i can handle the comments and criticism
its the fact that you call me as fake
the fact that you say even a three year old can do better
the fact that you can destroy my art
right in front of my eyes
and not apologize
you do not realize
how much effort is put into every art i create
and you diss and ruin it
like it's nothing

i can take it that there are plenty of better ppl out there
heck that fact is already imprinted
in my head
still
it doesnt give you a right to spoilt what i spent hours doing
when there's a note that says
DONT TOUCH
why do you have to touch?
dont touch means dont touch
worst comes to worst
you did it in front of everyone
dissing me
criticising me
WTF is wrong with you?????

so for the record
when i put my heart to it
i can draw
dont you dare diss me
especially not about this

cuz i'll make sure
you'll be the one
at the back of the line one day
waiting to get my autograph
and when that time comes
you have no idea what im gonna do to you

** Fourty Eight **

HAPPIE BURFDAYYY!!!!!!
MY DEARS KUNDEJEMMMMSSS!!!!!
RABIATUL aka THE RABBIT!!!
LYDIA aka THE BODYGUARD!!!
HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!
YOU'RE FINALLY FIFTEEN SIXTEEN
AND GETTING OLDER BY THE DAY
WHEEEE....=3

for those who didnt come yesterday have no fear....xD
you missed out on a little LOT
well tho most of us came around 8
which was actually ON TIME
bowie , jia nee n i went to buy ice cream while waiting
yay McFlurry!!!!
and when we're together
something funny is bound to happen ( muahahahahaha )
lets start with numbers

1. Suet Min being VERY irri
SuetMin came in PINK!!! lol. thank god umi din come...pity her den. umi will come running to her. (no offence umi) ok ok. poor lil SuetMin was starved waiting for everyone else. she didnt want the ice cream i offered. slap her ar!!! hungryr hungry. ppl give food dont want. then we were talking about our small LARGE family. so so so so.... as 4Sc1 KUNDEJEMS....WE MAKE ALOT of NOISE. SuetMin was dying to order. Food came, she's clapping hands all and eating. so cute.....xD then ramya and i told her she was the butler (had to explain and all) out of nowhere she asked "i got wife ar?" think of a while. "...or husband?"
LAWLS...wait wait...thats not all. LYDIA aka birthday girl ordered spagetti. ahhh...we share our food. whatever we ordered. so... anyway... SuetMin being the hungry ghost she is nicely take the spagetti. then Lydia sudd realize havent mix, so she mix. and SuetMin was like, "Har?!?!?! need to mix wan ar?! i din mix wor." (lol) i wanted to count the times SuetMin said sorry yesterday. it's like every remark, whether lame or not, she apologises. lawls...WAY TO GO SUETMIN!!!!!!
(seriously the first time i saw her. she was real scary to me. this goes to show. never judge a book by its cover. ^^)

2. Lava making lame statements
i tell you this Lava ar.... she sudd out of nowhere went. " imagine sudd one fella walk up the stairs, curly hair, wear specs and plum." and we're like..."har?!?!" LAWLS. seriously i took like 2 minutes to realise what she was tyring to say. and so did everyone else. ok. what she meant was that the stupid PH/PA came. oh the lameness of our KUNDEJEMS....xD

3.Truth of Dare (yang tak jadi)
Sarritha wanted to play truth or dare. (aiya typical girls game) by the time we finally setteled and decide to start most have already gone. from 5 people playing. left 3. Ramya, Theeviyah and Huixian. LAWLS. awesome right.

4.Complaints
hahaha...i tell you something. people have to realize that its a birthday party it's bound to make noise!!! so yes. we had lots of complaints from people below. then again. we'll probably just shut up for a few milli-seconds and its back to the noisy 4SC1 again.

5.Free food?!?!
we ordered so much...i think they were actually giving us ALOT of free food. sudd out of nowhere and extra jug of coke came (muahahaha coke!!!) and dunno what pizzas all la. we all like. who ordered this?! no its free. har?!?! this one? free oso. aiyo kadavalehh(dunno how to spell) why so many things.

6.Our bill
our bill...i think was about RM 200 plus. owh well...we'll all settle it when we go back to school. or come to my house for practise. ^^

7.Coke
i drank 4 cups of coke. and bit my straw for the rest of the night. ok the 9 bottles i had hasnt gone down yet. and here comes ramya and jose lecturing me on diabeties and how coke isint good for me...xD

dang...i love our class....xD

*************************************

ok...now for our owh so very awesome family relations
(m)= male
figuratively...xD
pay attention...
its's gonna get confusing
cuz i haven drawn out the wholething yet

(Joanna's side of the family)
Intan + Amirah(m)
= Joanna
= Fatin
= Geetha + Nirosha(m) [dancing couple]
= Hanani

(Syarifah's side of the family)
Andrea(m) + YiRu
=Syarifah(m)
=Shangeeth + Tracy(m)

(conbined)
Joanna + Syarifah(m)
=Ramya
=Kong(m)

(other relations)
Lava(m)+ Theevi

(the rest of the awesomeeees)
Umi=nanny
Dudu=dog
Jose=driver
SuetMin=butler
Theeviyah=lame maid
HuiXian=dentist
Dhila=cook
BeeChea=entertainer/musician
Thila=Kamie's nurse
Sasa=language teach
Michie=landscaper
Lava=gardener
SookYing=sami
Kamie=doctor
Lydia & Mariam=bodyguard
Bowie=opera teach
JiaNee=gymnastics teach
Rabiatul=rabbit

(our aquarium)
we have....
ikan pari (sej)
ikan lame (bm)
ikan buntal (bio)
ikan bilis (mt)
sotong (si)
seahorse (bi)
starfish (chem)
angelfish (mt)
lionfish (phy)


P.s. SuetMin aka the butler is looking for a wife...xD
[this doesnt mean we're lesbos...were just owh so very together...dont be jelous...]


.....SEMANGAT.....

** Fourty Seven **

so what if i go a little crazy sometimes
it doesnt mean im nuts
went hungry today
not because i didn't eat [well that was part and parcel of it]
but because i was laughing way too much
ever laughed too much til your tummy hurts
and there's no sound
yeah
that's somewhat like that
lol. didn't know laughing could consume so much energy
then again
laughing feels good even at darkest times
goofing off with Michie today
laughing and crapping

though i had to admit
my day started off crappy
felt a bit hung over from the 9 bottles of coke i drank
for once my tummy felt sick
nauseated from all that
i actually felt like throwing up the entire day
until i actually did during recess
gosh
then again
i'll return to coke!!!! *hugs coke*

i love add math!!!
though i cant really do it...
and i have bm lisan tomorrow...*gasps*
lol. like i really bother....
i'm just gonna "act" abit and read
i really hate lisan
my three favourite and only ear rings
so colourful!!! xD
well the rest of them that i have...*coughs*
i have hello kitty one!!!! =3
ok need go buy more since i have 5 holes
to wear either one on
lol...
all in all i had an awesome day
nothing happened last night
for those who are assuming something did
based on the fact that i gulped down 9 bottles of coke
*scratch* icthing for more *scratch*


Things i'm in love with:
-coke
-add.math
-colourful ear rings
-highlighters
-pockey
-stickers
-music
-being me =3

** Fourty Six **

Its been a long day. Getting frustrated wit de class ____ production. Feeling so sick of myself.

For now i might not understand this but somehow i find my mum being overly paranoid about silly little things. Hellloooo its just simple hanging out la. Is tat such a crime?! Why must the world i live in revolve around words like rapist. Like kidnapper. Like killer. Like murderer. Everyday there's garanteed to be someone killed. Someone murdered. Someone raped. Someone bashed. Someone arrested. Someone abused. Someone kidnapped. Someone missing. Someone gone. Someone missed. If the world i live in is no longer safe. Is it even humane, to lock me up for good. If the world i live in is no longer peaceful. Is it right, to deprive me of all i love. If the world i live in is no longer the same. Isn't it wrong to still keep living on in de past when its just time to move on.

Some people change for the better. And some might change for the worst. Whatever the change is, i've heard a million times how someone can change another. Fact is i don't like changing people. I prefer to just take people for who they are. God made everyone different. And we should all embrace the tiny speck of speciality in us. If the whole wide world were to change to be some crazy rule abiding country loving humble person, we might as well jus have all the same names as well as likes, hates, phobias, etc etc. And really, it seriously pisses me off when people walk to me either with a purpose to tell me to change or to tell me to change someone. When the fact is maybe you might want whoever to change, but if whoever isn't willin to change it aint possible. I didn change anyone. Maybe i'll start after i change myself first. I'm fully aware my mum hates who i am, some of the people i know think i'm very lame. Well, those are facts of me. And i'm not changing. Not today. Not tomorrow. Not next week. Never. So, don't ask me to make Joshua straight. Joshua's perfectly gay the way he is. xD. And most certainly i did not change anything about u, Hydde. It is you who decided to change and expected me to follow your lead but i didn. And i guess you jus cant live up to that. Maybe you're trying to set a good example. But in the past few days, all i see was how much of a jerk you can be sometimes. Don't blame Joshua. The you that is "matured" should've controlled. And don't dare you say i asked you to change. My exact words,"...i don't really get matured people.i don't like them somehow..." I know i told you before. Do not blame me for what you have become. Don't point your finger at me for your family problems. I didn kill ur mum or something. Don't get mad at everyone that's now against you. They have their reasons.

Childhood is a period where no one dies.
Where dolls talk.
And purple dinosaurs dance and sing.
Where everything is a curiousity.
And even nothingness is something.
Childhood is a period where no one is stupid.
Where imaginations run free.
And fairies and monsters exist.
Where bedtime story and teddys comfort.
And candy's all the joy.
Childhood is a period where everythings upside down.
Where colouring books and crayons rule.
And silly stick figures that mean so much.
Where finger painting pawns.
And thumb sucking was ok.
Childhood is a period i want to stay til my very last breath.

** Fourty Five **

maybe there's a bit of me that still wants to hold on.
and then, maybe there's a bit of me that wants to let go.
maybe the people around don't feel the change
as drastically as i do
maybe the people don't see any significance
but i do
because the you i knew
doesnt eat his vegies
doesnt do assignments
the you i knew
likes hanging out
likes the daily crapation i do
because the you i knew
doesnt care how messy
doesnt care how stupid
the you i knew
likes ice cream as much as i do
likes watching spongebob as much as i do
because the you i knew
doesnt mind crapping along with me
doeant mind being lame with me
and right now
the you that you've become
is no longer the you i knew
you've become something so alien to me
something too different
maybe its too self centered
but i want the old you back
the one i could be as silly as i wanted to
the one who'd i'd fight over silly stuff
the old u that i liked
if this goes on
what is to be
who i am
who you are
who we are
what are we

** Fourty Four **

so ends the day
and i havent made a single thought about it til now
why the hell did you have to bring it up
stop asking me what happened
i really dont want to talk about it
you want you ask Hydde
that is if you can find him
everyone's busy wacthing th olympics
the fireworks
the performance
yeah i have to admit
it was extrodinary
unbelieveably extravagant
spent a hell lot of cash for it
all in all it was sheer awesomeness
heh...
opening ceremony...
the rest im not bothered...
so end's the time i blogged with my phone
i just noticed that i posted twice the same post
><'''
error...
anyway...
BTFC close championship...
yay me...guess im going for that
but right now...
saturday's my day...
jamc is this saturday...darn it
ok...breath...
tomorrow got school...T^T
damn and Mama Bio's back...
haih....
damn my school life...

** Fourty Three **

what have i done
the doors opened n i entered blindly
now what i face,i face alone
blood shall rein and tears shall fall
there was a leap of faith i shouldn have taken
your hand i shouldn have thrust
the guilt is on me
going on doesn mean being apart
reaching higher doesn mean saying good bye
why the stubborness
it started out like a dream come true
boy meets girl
girl meets boy
and the orkhids bloom
slowly and silently it turned to what i feared
i watch you scream
i watch you fight
and start to think if everything was worth it
i probably shouldn say this
but at times i get so scared
questioning fact from fiction
if youre not going right
you go left
if youre not going front
you go back
seeing you stand there waiting
kills me
guilts on me
it's like i'm the cause of all this
like everything was fine and dandy before i came
like the storm came and crushed
now fingers point at me
when i haven got a clue what went wrong
i dont want
i dont want
i never wanted
things to turn out
and tho you may try to fight for what we have
one way or another you will have to go
you begged
you plead
you went on your knees
fact is
letting go might be the only way
fact is
i don't want to
fact is
there is absolutely nothing i can do
so right now
i ask myself
do i love you ?


*****

i feel transparent
its been scratched shattered distorted so many times
god!!
im putting a dart
into my very own heart

******
nobody touch me.nobody bug me.nobody come near me.i'm shutting my doors.i'm not letting anyone in.i'm killing out everything.i'm bringing myself back to life.back to who i was before.the one i became numb to.the one i used to see in the mirror.i have lost touch.i have lost me.whatever thats left of me.whatever thats left behind.cracked and faded.heal me.


R A C H E L

** Fourty Three **

maybe it's jus me but somehow lately 24hours a day never seems to be enough.it used to be too much that i would have to find something to fill my time.right now i don't even have to time to turn on the computer anymore.so here i am again.using my phone.trying to catch up on long past chemistry work due friday and moral work due thursday.i really wish i had more time.well, the entire 4sc1 is up to no good again.lol.not exactly in a bad way.i really feel as if it was a struggle to keep our togetherness strong ever since we lost our choral speaking.but along the way.i guess things did turn out okay.really.there was so much addition to what was 4sc1's.whoooo!!*doing homework*chapter6 ade!!gosh.what a struggle.i know i am drowning right now.and i'm not complaining on how insecure i feel right now either.its something i've grown numb to.things like this happen way to often for me to feel awkward about it.so currently my hand feels cramp.the soles of my feet are cold.and i jus finished 10minutes of straight running and my shower.and while waiting for the liquid paper to dry i type.btfc close championship is on de 23 and 24 august.no doubt i'm gonna have to take part.well i'm glad msskl is over.at least half de tensions gone.i found a white hair today.lol.i'm getting old.xD.jamc is this week.dunno wat date.i'll have to ask Joshua later.yay yay.i'll come back with something again.heh.semangat betul.one thing i have never forgiven myself was for being a soreloser.when i was little i really seriously hated so much to lose.it was like a sin for me to lose.so whenever i do lose i burst out crying kicking and screaming.somehow it may look like it's a real bad thing.but right now i do find myself striving to be a perfectionist at everything i do.okay maybe not in my school work.i never realized how much i've achieve through out my entire life.i saw all of it and i was like "it's all mine?!!?".
****
everything i do is an art.whether its dressing myself.fixing my hair.vandalizing myself.picking up scrap.it seems as if i've been doing a lot of thinking today.and yes.i admit i did.it's jus one of those days you look around a figure life isn't really that bad.it's actually kinda fun.everything you do in your daily life is an art.from the way you pull away the blanket to the time you tuck yourself back in.i guess it's gonna take sometime before i go back to my computer addict self again.then again.i might jus ask for a laptop den i won't need to touch the comp anymore.
*****
i'm real sorry Hydde.shouldn't have scolded you like that yesterday.it's jus one of those days where a joke doesn't seem like a joke even if it is.yea.i warned you on how sometimes how insensitive i am.to tell you the truth sometimes i really don't feel like i belong.it's like when i go with you somewhere or something.i get unwanted stares.who's this girl?why's she with him?and i feel as if their stares are piercing right through me to that defenceless little girl inside that i try real hard to hide at times.especially when i'm not on familiar grounds.and sometimes i even doubt myself.i really need to mirror myself again.
*****
i recut my hair today.just a bit.not that there's any difference.i really need to get my head straight.there's plenty of birthday partys to go to.and one AWESOME one to throw.after all i'm bitter sixteen this year!! *returns to homework*

** Fourty One **

owh so late to post. well well. i got bronze for all your information. got kicked in the head like nobody's business. dont know how to react. so practically somewhat. i kena belasah. i go around saying im scared la. im worried la. go there nia. my time to fight. emotions all hilang ade. so i left home early. kinda pissed. cuz my mum was being overly paranoid again. then waited for the mini bus. on the way to the stadium. den warming up with Leava. run here run there. do knee lifts. yakity yak. i didn't eat much yesterday. and surprisingly i wasn't hungry. so i guess it isn't really that bad that my parents didn't come. i had
ANDRIANNA

TENGKU INTAN

LEAVANIA

coaching me. bullying me. encouraging me. helping me. giving me water. getting me to eat. making me run. making me jump. scolding me. screaming at me. whacking me. so i THANK YOU guys for being such a pain in my ass. xD. then again. they did help lose the tension and the scaredness. or maybe it was just pure emotionless rachel at work. either way. i only fought two rounds. got murdered in the second. stupid girl was taller and she was kicking me head 24 7. and i blur case. dont know what to do. simply kick. owh well. it's not like a broke down and cry becuz of this. i'm happy with how i did. and watching the boys spar. makes me glad im not a boy. xD. ok. i did take some pictures. well. not many tho. so i'll pos them up later when i have time.

********************

ok after the comp. on our way back. i talked too much. like going high and stuff and started crapping with Leava. poor Leava had to deal with it. xD. reach back to school. owh so very late. then my dad came to fecth me. and we're off to granduncle's place. ahhhhhh!!!! uncle Hassan has a dslr!!!!! xD. ran around fooling around with the dslr most of the time. taking pictures of Aslan and Sarah. utter awesomeness!!!! i had to take in the left overs. but. i wasn't even hungry that time. took my bath there. and Shawn did the cutest thing!!!! he did like a catwalk. lawls. so adorable. arms on his waist and walk. stop turn around. pose. xD. lawls....so cute!!!! then Shawn and Sarah were fighting over the red train. Shawn got mad and screamed. all in all. by the time it reached 11. i was dead tired. sitting on the sofa there. i could barely keep my eyes open. went home. and the only thing i did was. off the lights and went to sleep.

*******************

so one last speed bump to go and im free from all this stupidity. jamc is next thursday if im not mistaken. dunno la. im not really bothered right now. i cant feel my legs anymore. im still lacking of sleep. tried and owh so very easily irritated at the moment.



peace~