21 September 2008

** Sixty Five **

why is it that whenever im around her i cannot talk.
why is it whenever she's around i just find it so hard to be me.
why is it that whenever she's around i feel restrained.
i hate her
for doing this to me

tho shall not label me

but just for today you may


"My dear, are you-" her voice trailed off.
My arms. i could feel them move. i know they were moving. in front of me. but where are they?!
"Dear, are you-" she repeated herself.
"WHAT'S WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!" i exploded. i needed to know.
i heard her sigh. i heard the rustles. i heard everything move. from the people outside, the beeping of the machines, the ringing to the bells and cellphones, the clink of the heels.
the moment of silent was unbearable. answer. please.
"You're..." there was a certain regret in her tone. i'd get over where ever she was and stranggled her. if only i knew where she was.

if only i knew.


i feel so weak. so useless. so lifeless.
everything. is different.

"Arrrghhhhhhhh!" i slammed my fists on whatever it was. the glass fell. shattered. like how i was.
"Please, dear, take it easy."
i turned to the voice and screamed. "Take it easy?!?! You want ME to take it easy?!?!" i laughed. "NO I WONT!!!!"

this is all wrong. this is all so different. this change. make it go away. i want my old life back. the one i use to love and hate all together. i want it back.

her hands were on my shoulders. i shoved it away. no one. no one should touch me, see me, listen to me. no one had. everyone had to wait until something like this changed. then they see me. why?!?!?!?!
"We'll get through this." she paused. "Together."

in my mind, i aimed for her face. shot way too high and slapped her head instead. but i was happy. i hit her.
"Together?!?! What together?!?!" my arms were in the air. "you're not the one in pain. you're not the one here. you're not the one that's lost everything. you're not the one!!!!!!!" i poked her. "Don't try to think you know what it's like to be in my shoes." i walked away. not knowing where but i just did. my arms spread up front just in case.

"dear....." faintly.

"NO!!!! SHUT UP!!!! I DONT WANT TO HEAR ANYTHING!!! NOTHING!!!!!" i feel on my knees. i couldn't feel myself anymore. i can no longer be who i am. even if i didnt want to change, i'd have to. i was crying. but i couldn't feel my tears trickle down my cheeks. i couldn't feel them swell my eyes. i am in the dark.

i held my face. the bandage still covered them. but i know i can never open them. never. i can no longer move. i froze. what am i gonna do now?!

my life is over.
everything is loss.

i hate the world.
and now
i no longer have to see you, world.
cuz you made me blind.


damn i hate my life....

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