04 August 2010

** Two Hundred and Eight **

there's not a day i wish i could trade all my tutorial books for a simple block of paper or an empty sketch book. wishing i be drawing instead of trying to figure out the values of a and b. hoping that somehow by some freak accident

everything would change.

i find myself green with envy watching those who never even planned to do arts, well, do arts. i toss and turn every night wondering when will my parents realize how much i am determined to persue my long kept interest in art. the one i struggled to keep a live through all the work and school and everything else happening in my life.

because it's the next best thing i have.

if the world was a lot less cruel maybe i wouldn't be stuck in this predicament. but here i am. caged and unwinged. even if you unlock the bearier that held this metal of confinement, i wouldnt be able to fly. i just noticed yesterday. there's a layer of dust on my sketch book. my A3 sketch book. god knows how thick that layer would be on my A4 ones.

the one thing the seriously pisses me off is the way my dad kept asking about what im going to do. the way he acts completely oblivious about the fact that i am going to the arts whether you like it or not.

the other day i was in the car with him talking about college and stuff. then i said i liked my chemistry lecturer and practcally like chemistry. and he said the line that pissed me off so bad, if he wasn't my dad i would've killed him.

"then go be a chemist!"

i stared from the back seat.

"i'm going to do animation." and that was final.

"since you like chemistry why not be a chemist. or something related to it."

"i'm going to do animation."

i wonder how many times do i have to say it before it sinks into their brains.

I AM GOING TO DO ANIMATION. (or whatever else that relates to art n drawing)

right now i feel the pull of gravity stronger than ever. being an artist the way i used to when i was in school was better than now. being able to make a simple thought into art. to be able to go beyond infinity. where the world is a playground and the sky is the limit. now. with college work piling up and tutorials that need to be done. i'll be lucky to even touch my sketch book once a month.

i want to be those who have sketch books in their hands and tonnes of different pencils, erasers, smudgers in their bags. instead of those who carry a file in their hand filled with all the notes in the world and tutorial books n refferences in their bags.

i never understood why my dad kept asking. he asked the other day "how's TARC." i just mumbled and continued eating. i hated that question. what was he expecting me to do?! lie and tell him that im amazingly happy being in TARC? he asked again "how are you liking TARC?" "ok la." then he brought up the topic of studying overseas aft my CAL. he suggested a twinning programme here, after my CAL. then i told him, "if i wanted to do a twinning programme on animation, i could've started NOW. instead of doing my a lvls."

i know i am wasting my time.

then my dad got sorta pissed. he said:
"go la! you not happy in TARC. and you think Alvls is a waste of time. where you wanna go? just leave TARC and go la. if you think you're so smart and wise enough to know what good. you damn proud just because you know what you're going to do already."

yea. i said Alvls was for those who didn't know what they wanted to do.

i walk this earth knowing and feeling inferior to everyone. doing Alvls makes me feel like school again. where i feel stupid wondering why my other classmates could do so well and i get this kind of shitty marks. watching everyone else i know start their course on art make me feel left out. its like they're getting better. and when i finish my CAL. i would probably suck even more that i already do. how am i gonna survive if i go oversea for my course?! heck. i dont need to go halfway around the world to undergo that kind of thing. it happens at home itself.

my dad put this idea of going to cambridge in my sister's brain. and she came back with a B for BM and my dad went "how are you going to get into cambridge like that?!" and the next thing i know it, she's going for extra BM tution. WTF. then i asked myself, why didn dad put that in my brain?


i have my TEST2 in about 2weeks time. i know im going to screw this up as well. nowadays i find myself trying very hard to feel happy or at least be happy. most of the time im either angry with life or just angry with everyone around me.

one eyellid flickers
she pulls a pistol from her knickers
and BANG BANG BANG, there's blood on her sneakers

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