** Two Hundred and Seventy One **

After a crazy stressful semester, I come home greeted by an avalanche of emotions. 

Not something I wanted.

But hey. Life goes on. 

I honestly think things wouldn't have been any different if I didn't get into a relationship so quickly. Part of me feels used, like I was a test run. Part of me is angry and the other part of me is pretty pathetically content with that. So here's me, having feelings for a person I clearly know would never pick me. And honestly from my first heartbreak with an excruciating wait of four years before he popped the question that didn't last a week that tore me apart, I knew waiting didn't result in anything good. Guys that you want will never want you back. That's how cruel life is. It's one thing to pretend like you have no feelings for someone what so ever. It's another to pretend like you are fine and happy that they have another. Knowing somewhere deep down you actually wish you were them. 

So you say goodbye to tickle fights and car ride karaoke sessions. You put behind retarded conversations. Cuz now they're with someone else and you gotta respect that.

Just friends.

I knew from the start. I would never be picked. Yet I let myself spiral into this nothingness that I thought was something. At some point was a mutual agreement that there was something. It didn't really go anywhere after that. I come back after half a year away. The news hit me like a truck. 

Literally.

Not like he'd share the news with me. No. Someone else had to break it to me. I'll probably drift apart from whatever it was. It feels like a horrid heartbreak that shouldn't even be. 

Why do I feel like I'm losing more and more of my close friends?

It hurts. It feels like I'm slowly and gradually becoming more alone. Losing all the people I can talk to. Losing all the people that brought me happiness.

Maybe one of the reasons why I don't wanna go be around people is because I hated the feeling of transparency that is slowly returning. The transparency I used to have in school where nobody would see me. 

I feel my self deteriorating and I don't know how to stop it.

Everything feels like it's slowly being ripped away. 

** Two Hundred and Seventy **

First and foremost, this post will and obviously contain spoilers. So if you don't want your movie ruined don't read further.

LAST WARNING. THIS CONTAINS SPOILERS.

So I caught Afterimages this weekend.

It's basically about these five people on their break. Staying together at some heritage house owned by one of their relatives (or somewhere down that line). It's starts with the introduction and background on the burning of effigies for the dead, more on the items burnt such as cars, mobile phones, houses, and a camera. And things take a curious turn when they realize they could sorta "communicate" with the other side and work in a sort of "trading system" with them whereby they burn cameras for films. So here's where you get your array of horror films from hell (won't spoil it all for you :3 yet). As usual greed takes over and things take for a horrid turn.

Overall it was an amazingly directed and written film by Tony Kern. I enjoyed the film as a whole. I loved the creative transitions and cuts. The little bits of jump scares that came off pretty well. Not over done. Just the right amount. The premise was really interesting and the concept definitely had me intrigued. That the "sending" worked both ways instead of one, like we know it to be. The storytelling was pretty clear and not much prior knowledge needed to understand and follow the film, which I think is really awesome for a film like this that dwells with cultural beliefs. I loved how there were a few seconds of cultural elements, like the third eye opening in the first tale that was well slotted in. Just enough for anyone paying attention to notice it and anyone who accidentally blinked didn't. 

Me having to point that out to my boyfriend and then later have one of the actors point it out to his other friends while explaining felt weird. XD but mere coincidence nonetheless. 

I felt like the stories gravitated from being horror to just a thriller. I was at the edge of my seat during the first story, that carried the superstition of not swimming in the pool at night for the ghost will pull you down and drown you. But i was really disappointed when it gravitated to the "better" spirits. I expected it to escalate as I progressed into the film but it sorta died off. The 2nd last story was a thriller-ish story about the girl with susuk. Personally enjoyed having a Malaysian tale represented in there (cuz i love my country). But it ended with her just pulling out the needles and growing old while everyone else escaped. I was honestly expecting more. It was like riding a roller coaster and enjoying that first drop and missing all the loop-de-loops that follow. 

The film had a handful of amazing acting talent in there and I enjoyed most of it. But I honestly think the film falls slightly short in a sense there were a few bad acting in it that made me question how they even got through auditions. The voice-overs were slightly off and it kinda brought me to my nerves a bit. Didn't really stop me from enjoying the movie but it's definitely in the back of my mind throughout the film. There were parts where the effects were a bit too overwhelming and I felt like there wasn't a need for so much of it. Honestly being an animator, I felt the cgi could've been better. There were scenes in the film with really "cheap" cgi that really threw the quality of the film way off. But it was an amazing idea to have the ghoul reassemble. I loved the foreshadowing of her being chopped into pieces as he was constantly seen choping chicken if not obsessing over that ring. I felt a bit disconnected between the cgi and reality in this tale but I saw why it was necessary. 

It was a nice little mood lightener to add a little bit of comedy into the film. I loved the variety of how the stories were told. The chekhov's gun with the lady's finger was pretty nice play on Asian cuisine (being a fan of lady's fingers myself). I don't blame the predictability of the tales. We pretty much expect the same for every horror tale told. The execution however was awesome. I loved the colour play in the film entirely it was very well done. The film had a couple of interesting ways that played with how we see "things" through our peripheral vision and kind of implemented it into the shots in the film which I think was a really creative move and thumbs up for that. I liked the ambiguity of the cries of the baby whenever something creepy happened in the tale where the lady jumped from the 29th floor. It had me a bit confused and wanting to actually figure out why was there this random baby crying sound whenever the spirit appeared or did something. The only down side on this tale was the reference to the grudge. Honestly I find this portrayal of ghost bit over done by now. I understand the grudge is a pretty iconic Japanese horror film. But really... Was a bit disappointed to see it in the midsts of all the creativity that the film has offered me.

The ending however came a little abrupt for me. Like they were rushing it. Honestly it has put me in a love-hate relationship with it. So they burned in hell and died. The fire effects in this scene was one of the tiny downsides to the film. It was very cheap. Not sure if they actually rushed through the editing or what. I liked the introduction of the original occupant of the place (that I didn really think it was important cuz it was pretty clear it was a portal between both works already). It was a nice little add to the ending where there were 6 bodies but you've been following these 5 college students. I found it slightly comedic how the spirits actually still gave film for trade with the extra cameras they made that never burnt that eventually burnt in the fire anyway. Didn't really have time to read the labels on the film stack. Makes me a bit curious about what films were sent over. 

Overall, the film is definitely worth the watch if you're into a little horror or just cultural films. The multiple timelines definitely kept the film interesting and you entertained. What it lacks in cgi, it makes up for in the amazing story telling and interesting camera angles. Definitely great effort for a local film. 

But when you sit down and think about it. Who actually made the film you are watching? After all it was supposed to be their film entitled "Afterimages" that consisted of all these clips.

Toodles, 

Rach

** Two Hundred and Sixty Nine **

This blog definitely reflects the control freak of an OCD I have. Probably one if the best and most annoying parts of me.

I've been really torn lately. Filled with thoughts that shouldn't even surface in my head. 

In the midst of all the work from my major. I'm definitely hanging in there as always. Still as passionate as ever about what I do. And I definitely love what I'm doing even if it's a pain in the butt. 

That's the whole point of picking a profession right? 

That's what I told myself 8years ago when I was doing my SPM. I wanted to do something I loved. Something that I found rewarding that is worth all the pain and suffering. 

Totally worth.

Then I have this gut feeling that I have wronged people, apologized, but things definitely were not forgiven even if it was said they were. Pretty retarded telling someone you forgive them and then still have this tension whenever you're with them. 

Or ignore their existence entirely when you're with them. 

What kind of two-faced inconsiderate person are you?!? 

Id rather you say it to my face that you will never forgive me for what I've done and you don't want me hanging out with you anymore. 

Bit harsh. But enough said. I'd never hang out with you anymore if you just said so. Rather than putting me through this torturous place of having to pretend like you have forgiven me (when we both know you're still holding a grudge) and hang out as usual.

Like seriously.

I told myself I don't care if I graduate without friends anymore.

Not everyone is gonna like you and you don't have the obligation to like everyone. 

I honestly think social media makes me sadder than I really am. We are a generation that deceives. That covers our loneliness with the hopes of likes and comment conversations on Facebook or Instagram. 

We lie and pretend our lives are better than they really are. Then scrolling through the feed makes you feel like you're life is so much shittier and uneventful. 

I'd feel sad and left out. Being in an entirely different country (although so near). Watching all my friends across the river have fun with all their lil outings and ramblings. And here I am. On a "same-old-same-old" routine of going to school, work, eat, work, sleep. I have nothing exciting to tell anyone who asks me how I'm doing (thank god nobody does).

What I'm trying to say is, I've been feeling really forgotten. Not because none of my friends actually bother to check up on me. I'm not that important. I'm saying it suddenly dawned to me that I have a microscopic number of friends here and it makes things worst that I'm hardly close to anyone.

Don't really think I need a social life.

Everytime I scroll through my feed I feel like I'm gradually disappearing and fading away. Like somehow I'm being replaced or erased. 

Maybe I should just be an introvert inside and out. Honestly. I hide behind this loud obnoxious persona because it takes away the social awkwardness I have with people. 

My school years have definitely shown me being me isn't gonna get me anything. Which is pretty true.

Someday I'll be completely transparent. And return back to square one of who I was. The quiet, socially awkward, shy person I am. 

I probably sound like I'm mumbling random stuff but I just needed to get things off my head. Maybe it'll settle my thoughts a bit more. I need to get new headphones.

Do you know what it feels like to be alienated?

But it's ok. I'm fine standing alone. I'm fine hanging out with people that don't acknowledge me. I'm fine with nobody really listening when I join in the conversation. I'm fine with walking behind everyone in the group. I'm fine being hated for things I did. 

I'm fine.

I'm fine with everything.

Probably falling into a lil depression state of mind. Thank god tomorrow is Friday. 

I probably decided that it's near impossible for me to find girls I actually like hanging out with. Besides the few I already know (and love to death). 

I don't like girls. I don't understand girls. The things they like. The stuff they do. The things they care about and find appealing. Sometimes there'd be some similarities. But seriously. I don't understand them. 

Maybe they're too matured for me to understand. 

I'm not a girl. 

Someday I'll track back and read all this and wonder what the fuck am I doing. 

If I could go back in time and give advice to my teenage self.

Dear me, 

Stop trying to please everyone. Stop trying to chase something that isn't worth a dime of your time. Good things will come. Understand that you're a late bloomer and it's a shitty feeling to watch your friends have boys swooning over them and stuff while nobody bats an eye at you. Make you wonder if you're really that ugly. Trust me. You're amazingly beautiful in ur own way. And you don't need anyone to make you feel that way. I know it's hard but you're special and gifted even if people don't swoon over your artwork or you. Your persistence is the strongest point. All you needed is to push yourself cuz you know you can do better. You'd be able to land that spot on the cheer squad because you're a better flier and brave enough to land a shoulder stand on the first try. You probably realize at that time that being a cheerleader will not get you the guys (like the movies promised) and that you're slightly afraid of heights. Be prepared to sit there like an idiot contented with a third place medal for it while everyone else on the squad cries and you don't understand why. You'll be the fastest 100m sprint girl in your school. A little sunburn never hurt anyone. Running is what you do best. You need to stop spending your days feeling ugly. It destroys your confidence. 

Stay awesome. 

Crazy how random my topics travel. I actually feel better.

Toddles,

Rach

** Two Hundred Sixty Eight **

My friend pointed out how my blog screams of my ocd of how I without fail numbered all my posts. XD

I have so many people asking me why I'm still here. And why I decided to stay. I mean. Its so easy to just walk away and start a new chapter of my life without someone. We lose people everyday and our generation is frankly very immune to it. I dont know why I stayed. I dont know why I still put myself through this.

People look at me with judgemental eyes every time they ask me if I'm still with my boyfriend or not and I tell them yes. Like why the fuck is this girl still hanging on to this.

I honestly think. Nobody is perfect and no relationship is going to end up perfect either. And there will be days where you get pissed beyond all measures just because you're tired and your other half makes a wrong choice or says something you didn't want to hear and you end the day even worst than before just because. No. I do not think your other half has any responsibility of being your happy pill. Heck everyone has their bad days and honestly if they both coincides its like fighting fire with fire. Its gonna just get ugly.

Then you both cool down and make up after that. Thats all that counts.

Then you find days where you're just sitting there wondering where did all the good "lovey" days went. Yeah. The "honey-moon" period doesn't last forever. So meeting up becomes slightly stale and its normal to just be together catch a movie and have dinner go home. Normal. Nothing wrong with that. Don't need a fancy date every time we're together. Once in a while it'd be nice to be reminded of why you fell in the first place with all the little nuances that make it all better.

Maybe its just me being me but I'm not the kind of girl that needs to see my boyfriend everyday. Please. Enough with the insecurities of "oh i must see you everyday!!". It's a good thing to have a life outside the relationship. Things I like to do alone or with my friends. Not everything should revolve around the significant other. I mean, you're together and all but being together all the time gets really clingy after a while. Like someone else is taking up my oxygen space. Can you like go to the other corner and breath the oxygen there. lulz XD

Then you finally get to see each other after weeks of hectic-ness in one another's life. Having to finally have time to chill and be together. Absence does make the heart grow fonder. Or maybe it was just great to take a break after the hectic race for submissions. It was nice to take my mind off things and just be with someone.

On the side note. Captain America is a waste of money to go to the cinema for. I officially award it the slowest superhero movie award. I know I'm a bit ADD(short attention span) but seriously. The movie was torturous and slow. I spent the movie making fun of the characters in there with my boyfriend. Relating them to League champions.

I swear. Capt. America. Most boring super hero ever.

Those that love him for his looks. You guys suck. His looks aint gonna save u.

I mean it was a pretty routinal hang out session. Lunch. Movie. Toy store. Dinner. Home. Yes. That silly visit to the toy store because we are useless teens that have nothing better to do with our lives than to loiter and fiddle with the random toys in the store. I wished I had nerf guns when I was a kid. Seriously. Still envious of the kids today that had it.

Honestly on a side note. I don't really want to go for any 21st birthdays.

It just makes me all sad inside. Its like asking an orphan to go for a parents day celebration.

It feels like that. Like. Look at the stuff you'll never have because you cannot change the past and what has been done is done.

Urgh. My head hurts.

Toddles
Rach

** Two Hundred and Sixty Seven **

Honestly, I shouldn't even be blogging right now. But I just have to get things off my chest.

I honestly feel like I've been a horrible person. Picking on things I shouldn't even pick on. Like, what's an hours journey back if I get to see someone after a week. I don't know. I've probably been really unreasonable these past few weeks being pissed at every silly little thing. And it just piles up as the day goes.

I'd get pissed in the morning cuz I forgot my wallet and had to walk back up to get it. And get even more pissed cuz I missed that bus and had to wait longer for the next. Then get even more pissed when it rains cuz I decided not to bring my umbrella. You get the picture. 

But it's this mental emotional instability that I sink into when I'm under pressure and I need things to go my way but they just don't and it pisses me off even more and it just sends me on this the fest of being pissed with the world for the day. And every little screw up just brings me to being even closer to exploding. That's how I've been and I cannot explain why. It's just an emotional response to stress or whatever.

So I've been a horrible person lashing out at people that don't deserve it. Some people absorb better and I just prefer to go to them cuz they don't fight fire with fire. It's not the first time I'm on my rage fest. I know how shit gets real bad if I talk to the wrong people at this state of mental self. So don't get me wrong when I say u never could help. It's just we'd both get mad at each other cuz I'm already hostile to begin with when I'm pissed and ur gonna get hostile cuz u think I'm treating u like shit. Then we just fight and yeah. There.

It's fine that you don't wanna step down and just take the lashing and be my punching bag. I get it. Nobody likes it. So yeah. It's fine that you don't wanna be. I'm not shooting a bullet in ur head saying u never helped. I'm one to be truthful even if it hurts. And honestly it not a bad thing. At least u know how to duck and take cover when I'm pissed. Cuz If ur not planning on becoming a good sponge and absorb this anger. Don't approach. Don't try. I know you'd love to be there for me. I know you do. But I don't think you'd like to.

How the duck do I split my work and us? I'd love to be able to switch emotional states in a flick of a switch but I can't. If I'm pissed I stay pissed. Either someone cools me off and I'll be pissed until the day resets itself. Call me two faced but that's how it is. I'm not being spoilt or demanding bout having things my way. It's just there are days when I'm pissed beyond all reason and just don't wanna be bothered and I've shouted at people back then that I wish I didn't. I'm not throwing a childish tantrum just because. I'm just emotionally unstable under pressure. 

Am I such a liability to u that u have to dig out of ur savings for a movie with me? Honestly, why would u even bring that up? It's like telling me "do u know how much money I'm spending on u? U do not have the right to treat me like shit" u don't see me telling u I have to dig out from my savings. U don't see me complaining bout having to buy u meals at times or pay for ur tickets at times. I just do it.

I just needed to vent out my anger somewhere and if ur not going to absorb it and just get pissed at it and make things even worst just leave me be. 

Honestly, take cover and wait for the storm to pass.

Rach.

** Two Hundred and Sixty Six **

New semester new post. But before that, last semester was honestly a learning experience for me. And I think, I'd stand by what I went through for life. 

Even as I whined and complained and bickered and bitches about my Rango-look-alike character, I completed what I needed to do. Honestly, I do not expect to be given the liberty of doing what I like all the time in this field I have chosen. Of all my days in Lasalle, I have learnt to animate. I have learnt to animate something out of my art style. And more importantly I learnt to work with something I don't like.

It's a good experience in my opinion. To know I pulled through. Honestly, I'm flexible with what I work with. Maybe I shud stop bickering on fb so ppl won't know. I bicker but I do what I need to. It's not like I bicker n do nothing or sit there n hope that some magical change will happen.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with working on a project u don't particularly like. True story bro.

So I guess the new sem started off really rough. Or maybe it was just me... Overworked chasing perfection. Swear to go this habit is going to e the death of me. Had my first break down before the first month even ended. Yeah. I know. 

It's alright. The storm has cleared. Even if there's another brewing. I've learnt to dance in it, cry when I slip on a puddle but pick myself up and dance again.

On the side not. I think I might be insane.

Maybe just a little.

Loves,

Rach