12 April 2014

** Two Hundred and Sixty Seven **

Honestly, I shouldn't even be blogging right now. But I just have to get things off my chest.

I honestly feel like I've been a horrible person. Picking on things I shouldn't even pick on. Like, what's an hours journey back if I get to see someone after a week. I don't know. I've probably been really unreasonable these past few weeks being pissed at every silly little thing. And it just piles up as the day goes.

I'd get pissed in the morning cuz I forgot my wallet and had to walk back up to get it. And get even more pissed cuz I missed that bus and had to wait longer for the next. Then get even more pissed when it rains cuz I decided not to bring my umbrella. You get the picture. 

But it's this mental emotional instability that I sink into when I'm under pressure and I need things to go my way but they just don't and it pisses me off even more and it just sends me on this the fest of being pissed with the world for the day. And every little screw up just brings me to being even closer to exploding. That's how I've been and I cannot explain why. It's just an emotional response to stress or whatever.

So I've been a horrible person lashing out at people that don't deserve it. Some people absorb better and I just prefer to go to them cuz they don't fight fire with fire. It's not the first time I'm on my rage fest. I know how shit gets real bad if I talk to the wrong people at this state of mental self. So don't get me wrong when I say u never could help. It's just we'd both get mad at each other cuz I'm already hostile to begin with when I'm pissed and ur gonna get hostile cuz u think I'm treating u like shit. Then we just fight and yeah. There.

It's fine that you don't wanna step down and just take the lashing and be my punching bag. I get it. Nobody likes it. So yeah. It's fine that you don't wanna be. I'm not shooting a bullet in ur head saying u never helped. I'm one to be truthful even if it hurts. And honestly it not a bad thing. At least u know how to duck and take cover when I'm pissed. Cuz If ur not planning on becoming a good sponge and absorb this anger. Don't approach. Don't try. I know you'd love to be there for me. I know you do. But I don't think you'd like to.

How the duck do I split my work and us? I'd love to be able to switch emotional states in a flick of a switch but I can't. If I'm pissed I stay pissed. Either someone cools me off and I'll be pissed until the day resets itself. Call me two faced but that's how it is. I'm not being spoilt or demanding bout having things my way. It's just there are days when I'm pissed beyond all reason and just don't wanna be bothered and I've shouted at people back then that I wish I didn't. I'm not throwing a childish tantrum just because. I'm just emotionally unstable under pressure. 

Am I such a liability to u that u have to dig out of ur savings for a movie with me? Honestly, why would u even bring that up? It's like telling me "do u know how much money I'm spending on u? U do not have the right to treat me like shit" u don't see me telling u I have to dig out from my savings. U don't see me complaining bout having to buy u meals at times or pay for ur tickets at times. I just do it.

I just needed to vent out my anger somewhere and if ur not going to absorb it and just get pissed at it and make things even worst just leave me be. 

Honestly, take cover and wait for the storm to pass.


0 complaints: