** Two Hundred and Sixty Nine **

This blog definitely reflects the control freak of an OCD I have. Probably one if the best and most annoying parts of me.

I've been really torn lately. Filled with thoughts that shouldn't even surface in my head. 

In the midst of all the work from my major. I'm definitely hanging in there as always. Still as passionate as ever about what I do. And I definitely love what I'm doing even if it's a pain in the butt. 

That's the whole point of picking a profession right? 

That's what I told myself 8years ago when I was doing my SPM. I wanted to do something I loved. Something that I found rewarding that is worth all the pain and suffering. 

Totally worth.

Then I have this gut feeling that I have wronged people, apologized, but things definitely were not forgiven even if it was said they were. Pretty retarded telling someone you forgive them and then still have this tension whenever you're with them. 

Or ignore their existence entirely when you're with them. 

What kind of two-faced inconsiderate person are you?!? 

Id rather you say it to my face that you will never forgive me for what I've done and you don't want me hanging out with you anymore. 

Bit harsh. But enough said. I'd never hang out with you anymore if you just said so. Rather than putting me through this torturous place of having to pretend like you have forgiven me (when we both know you're still holding a grudge) and hang out as usual.

Like seriously.

I told myself I don't care if I graduate without friends anymore.

Not everyone is gonna like you and you don't have the obligation to like everyone. 

I honestly think social media makes me sadder than I really am. We are a generation that deceives. That covers our loneliness with the hopes of likes and comment conversations on Facebook or Instagram. 

We lie and pretend our lives are better than they really are. Then scrolling through the feed makes you feel like you're life is so much shittier and uneventful. 

I'd feel sad and left out. Being in an entirely different country (although so near). Watching all my friends across the river have fun with all their lil outings and ramblings. And here I am. On a "same-old-same-old" routine of going to school, work, eat, work, sleep. I have nothing exciting to tell anyone who asks me how I'm doing (thank god nobody does).

What I'm trying to say is, I've been feeling really forgotten. Not because none of my friends actually bother to check up on me. I'm not that important. I'm saying it suddenly dawned to me that I have a microscopic number of friends here and it makes things worst that I'm hardly close to anyone.

Don't really think I need a social life.

Everytime I scroll through my feed I feel like I'm gradually disappearing and fading away. Like somehow I'm being replaced or erased. 

Maybe I should just be an introvert inside and out. Honestly. I hide behind this loud obnoxious persona because it takes away the social awkwardness I have with people. 

My school years have definitely shown me being me isn't gonna get me anything. Which is pretty true.

Someday I'll be completely transparent. And return back to square one of who I was. The quiet, socially awkward, shy person I am. 

I probably sound like I'm mumbling random stuff but I just needed to get things off my head. Maybe it'll settle my thoughts a bit more. I need to get new headphones.

Do you know what it feels like to be alienated?

But it's ok. I'm fine standing alone. I'm fine hanging out with people that don't acknowledge me. I'm fine with nobody really listening when I join in the conversation. I'm fine with walking behind everyone in the group. I'm fine being hated for things I did. 

I'm fine.

I'm fine with everything.

Probably falling into a lil depression state of mind. Thank god tomorrow is Friday. 

I probably decided that it's near impossible for me to find girls I actually like hanging out with. Besides the few I already know (and love to death). 

I don't like girls. I don't understand girls. The things they like. The stuff they do. The things they care about and find appealing. Sometimes there'd be some similarities. But seriously. I don't understand them. 

Maybe they're too matured for me to understand. 

I'm not a girl. 

Someday I'll track back and read all this and wonder what the fuck am I doing. 

If I could go back in time and give advice to my teenage self.

Dear me, 

Stop trying to please everyone. Stop trying to chase something that isn't worth a dime of your time. Good things will come. Understand that you're a late bloomer and it's a shitty feeling to watch your friends have boys swooning over them and stuff while nobody bats an eye at you. Make you wonder if you're really that ugly. Trust me. You're amazingly beautiful in ur own way. And you don't need anyone to make you feel that way. I know it's hard but you're special and gifted even if people don't swoon over your artwork or you. Your persistence is the strongest point. All you needed is to push yourself cuz you know you can do better. You'd be able to land that spot on the cheer squad because you're a better flier and brave enough to land a shoulder stand on the first try. You probably realize at that time that being a cheerleader will not get you the guys (like the movies promised) and that you're slightly afraid of heights. Be prepared to sit there like an idiot contented with a third place medal for it while everyone else on the squad cries and you don't understand why. You'll be the fastest 100m sprint girl in your school. A little sunburn never hurt anyone. Running is what you do best. You need to stop spending your days feeling ugly. It destroys your confidence. 

Stay awesome. 

Crazy how random my topics travel. I actually feel better.

Toddles,

Rach