05 December 2014

** Two Hundred and Seventy One **

After a crazy stressful semester, I come home greeted by an avalanche of emotions. 

Not something I wanted.

But hey. Life goes on. 

I honestly think things wouldn't have been any different if I didn't get into a relationship so quickly. Part of me feels used, like I was a test run. Part of me is angry and the other part of me is pretty pathetically content with that. So here's me, having feelings for a person I clearly know would never pick me. And honestly from my first heartbreak with an excruciating wait of four years before he popped the question that didn't last a week that tore me apart, I knew waiting didn't result in anything good. Guys that you want will never want you back. That's how cruel life is. It's one thing to pretend like you have no feelings for someone what so ever. It's another to pretend like you are fine and happy that they have another. Knowing somewhere deep down you actually wish you were them. 

So you say goodbye to tickle fights and car ride karaoke sessions. You put behind retarded conversations. Cuz now they're with someone else and you gotta respect that.

Just friends.

I knew from the start. I would never be picked. Yet I let myself spiral into this nothingness that I thought was something. At some point was a mutual agreement that there was something. It didn't really go anywhere after that. I come back after half a year away. The news hit me like a truck. 


Not like he'd share the news with me. No. Someone else had to break it to me. I'll probably drift apart from whatever it was. It feels like a horrid heartbreak that shouldn't even be. 

Why do I feel like I'm losing more and more of my close friends?

It hurts. It feels like I'm slowly and gradually becoming more alone. Losing all the people I can talk to. Losing all the people that brought me happiness.

Maybe one of the reasons why I don't wanna go be around people is because I hated the feeling of transparency that is slowly returning. The transparency I used to have in school where nobody would see me. 

I feel my self deteriorating and I don't know how to stop it.

Everything feels like it's slowly being ripped away. 

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