20 November 2010

** Two Hundred and Thirty Five **

so i went for parent-lecturer day today. with my dad. which was probably the worst mistake ever.

Ms Joanna : in terms of language im good and have an advantage. its just i tend to informal when i write.

Miss Ong : i'm ok in class. just that she thinks i dont have the interest to do A levels cuz of how i react every time i got my papers back, it was like i couldnt care less. she expected better from me.

Mr. Ding : im very active in class n understand very quickly. maybe my marks dropped cuz i was over confident. need to pay more attention.

Mr. Keong : i have my SPM basics. but for me to do A levels i have to do more. i couldve done better.

so yeah all my marks dropped. and my grades are going downhill.
i hated the fact they showed the entire name list and showed my marks from there.
after seeing Ms Ong, my dad kept comparing my marks to all my other classmates. and yeah he said "bottom of the class".
its not that i didn't try. why did all my lecturers made it sound like i didn't give a damn about it.
we were waiting to see Mr Keong. then i sat there thinking. my marks for chemistry is 40. my dads gonna kill me. and he did.
half way talking to Mr Keong i cried. and Mr Keong pointed it out and my dad went "Shows how this visit has been succesive".

sorry Mr Keong...

the drive home was...

my dad went, "what were those crocodile tears for?!"
"People cry when they're sad...Why are you crying...There's no meaning for ur crying."

people not only cry when they're sad. people cry when they're scared too. when their mind is fogged up. when they already know whats going to happen and they dont want it to happen but knows that they have to face the music. when they know how much it is going to hurt doing so.
That's why i cried.

my dad was really displeased. clearly all four of my lecturers pointed out tat i couldn't care less about my A Levels.

he said i didn't try. then i told him, why'd you think i was studying all those nights for?!?!

he said i kept wanting to fight the establishment. i said, i didnt. i tried to write as asked.

he said i wasn't half of what all my classmates were. how could one guy get 83 and i got 40. he saw Jiun Wai's marks oso. they were almost twice of mine. he'd only get marks like mine if he didn't do anything.

he had the heart to ask, "So, such a shame issit? to be at the bottom of the class?"

he went on, "Go la! Go do your graphic design course in that place you wanna go to. and get a shitty job after that."

and on, "You finish your A Levels with THIS kinda of marks. I'm sorry you will not make the grade. Go become some shitty Head of security la."

and on, "Its your attitude. You think the whole world is wrong and you are right."

and on, "And you dare bitch about ur mother."

and on, "Tell me la. In 18 years of your life, have i ever made a wrong decision for you?!"

and on. "I'm sorry ur not my (i forgot the word). You didn't inherit my intelligence."

funny. throughout tat drive, my dad was constantly adding salt to the wound and he kept asking for the reason i was crying.
my dad doesn't need a cane.
his words are sharp enough to tear you limb from limb inside out.

i dunno.
i find it verbally abusive the way he does it.

so, to all my lecturers.
i'm sorry i never met any of your expectations.

i honestly dont know how much harder do i have to try. cuz right now it looks like im back to school again. where i live to make up everyone else's expectations of me. it was not tat i couldn't careless when i got my papers. so yeah. the marks are written there in red. what else would you expect me to do?! moap around about it?!

yeah. the feeling of being at the bottom of the class sucks. you didn't need to rub it in.

its days like this. where i dont even have the will to stand on my own two feet and walk with my head up.
its days like this. where i wished there was someone here so that i wouldnt need to be so strong from myself.
its days like this. where i need a shoulder to cry on but no one's ever there.
its days like this. where i feel like throwing everything away.
its days like this. where i wished never happened.

ive cried my eyes dry. and im still crying.
and now i have a headache.

i'm so sick of being strong.

i collapsed today.


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