25 July 2010

** Twon Hundred and Five **

i wonder how some people can pretend like their life is perfect. how they can keep everything bottled up inside. how they can smile through the day pretending nothing is wrong when everything is. how they can pretend to be contented with the way things are. how they can plaster a smile on their faces without having the urge to tear. i wonder how some people do it.

it feels horrible. when the pain isn't physical anymore. i know i've said countless times but i do what i did to feel human again. cuz humans bleed and feel pain. and up to a point in life, i no longer feel anything. to a point where it feels as if nothing is worth living for anymore. to a point where gravity seems to pull me to places i never want to be. to a point where i feel imprisoned by my own emotions. and then i make myself bleed. i make myself feel the pain in the shower. of how it stings when water runs pass it. of how it hurts when soap touches it.

then everyone else calls me stupid for doing so.

but you dont understand.

every night when the lights go out. i lay alone in bed staring at the blank ceiling hoping for a tomorrow better than today. i lay there thinking. pondering. about the little broken shattered pieces of my life i never bothered picking up. i close my eyes and wished good night. to god knows who that's wishing under the same night sky. but i know tomorrow will be the same as today. and when i close my eyes that night, i wished i never had to open them again as i lay on my side, holding myself to sleep.

hearing that imaginary heartbeat.

i understand why people call Envy one of the Seven Dealiest Sins. how envy literally makes you beat yourself up mentally. make you feel as if the world you live in is never good enough. that you life is incomplete. and it makes you feel inferior. how envy sucks the sunlight out of you. when all your mind could think about is how stupidly retarded your life is compared to other people.

envy. sigh.

sometimes i hate technology. yeah sure it connects people and all that awesome other stuff it does. but sometimes technology isn't helping. how technology enables people to read my text messages. incoming n outgoing. BOTH. how technology makes things seem so close. close enough to touch. but when i reach out, its the screen i feel. it hurts that although technology give me closeness, it makes me feel further than i was.

all i want to do is touch your face.

i dont feel human for some reason.

its time to bleed again.

0 complaints: