17 July 2010

** Two Hundred and Three **

spent the entire day yesterday relentlessly crying my eyes out for one reason after the other. first of all. the original plan was to stay over at Jiun Wai's place after friday's class. so i asked my parents. and out of no where my mum storms into my room and went " NO! YOU DONT GO TO UR FRIEND'S HOUSE N STAY OVER." so obviously i asked why. and she went " NO LA! I DONT NEED TO GIVE U A PROPER REASON." diu la...she's bitching at me all the sudden. cham liao la. no mood to study for my further maths pure tomorrow.

so i woke up yesterday. pflip through my notes and went " pretty simple. i know how to do already what." so fine la. i went trough all my classes and when i sat for my FMP. i saw the paper. and the questions. i was screwed. literally for the very first time in my life i couldn't do a single question on that piece of paper. i practically handed in my answers which was obviously wrong to begin with. this time when i say im going to fail. i really meant it. after the test everyone was like "how you find p ar?" " how you find q ar?" "aiya that one i dunnno"

i sat there. " i'm seriously gonna fail."

and i started crying.

then lecture started and i had to stop and copy notes n stuff.

my mind was undeniably fogged up after that. for the first time i knew and i was very sure i was going to fail. i had a feeling of impending doom. its not the feeling you get as you wait for the roller coaster to buzz into speed as u sit locked into the seat. its not the feeling you get when you're waiting backstage for your turn under the spot light. it not the feeling of the butterflies you ate earlier in the afternoon retaliating in your stomach.

its the feeling you get free falling into the abyss of uncertainty. when and million and one things run through your mind at the same time til you cant focus on reality. where you seem to be in a limbo.

i went through my day. dazed.

then during lunch break. i thought the least i could do was at least try to solve the questions. at least the next time it comes out i would know how to do. i took out the paper and stared at it. and i got stuck where i did during the test. then Jiun Wai taught me. as i did, my mind was beating myself up. i was literally mentall scolding myself for being filled with so much stupidity. and then i gave up. broken down and cried again.

it might only be a test. but even test also i cannot do. WHAT MORE MY A2?!?! OTL

so that was one element that added to my constant depression yesterday.

another drama that added to my "wonderful" day was my dad.

yesterday was his birthday.

and he tezted me asking what time my classes finish. and since im staying for futsal i said 6. i thought he was gonna come fetch me or something. he asked if i wanted japanese lunch cuz my sister finishes at 1. so i figured my class finishes at 2.30. why wait for me. so i just said i finish at 6. then i dont know why he said i took so long to reply. maybe maxis got stuck again or something. so when he texted me asking again i said my classes finish at 2.30 but im staying for futsal til 6. and he classified that as lying. i said i was sorry and i was and its not like im going anywhere out of college. and he said he doesnt think im sorry. he thinks im not happy that i was caught lying. and just cuz im not gonig anywhere out of college it makes it ok to lie?!

first of how is that considered lying?!?!?!?!

then as depressed as i was already. during Malaysian Studies he texted me saying he'll be passing by TARC at 3 something. if i wanted transport say so or else arrange my own transport back and my own dinner. and if he's fetching me back he doesnt want any of my friends tagging along.

which technically meant to me.

he didnt want me around on his birthday.

so yeah. i broken down crying AGAIN during Malaysian Studies. Wendy looked kinda scared watching me cry all the sudden. thanks Nixon for trying to help. yeah. so my dad kinda scolded me for that LIE.

then we went for futsal. watching the guys play was really fun. even if it was just watching. Kar Mun bought me ice cream. and then Ralf drove me home.

all in all. thank you Jiun Wai. for being there.

just gonna stand there and watch me burn
that's all right cuz i love the way it hurts

its just one of those tear-filled days.


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