09 April 2010

** Hundred and Eighty One **

Listening to: Pretend-Secondhand Serenade

"...you say there's nothing to talk about and yet there's so many things you talk to your friends and when i ask what your friends are doing you dont know..."

if you haven't noticed i havent grown much. i havent mature much with my age. and now when yes, most of them my age are almost adults, i'm still in my little corner of childishness. i do try to communicate with you. i've been trying. it's good i guess that i cant remember the last time i fought with you or made you cry. i dont know how to make you understand my predicament. i do talk to my friends. you are an adult and well when adults talk they asks stuff like that. ask any of my friends. i don't. i'd rather just come out with spontanious ideas and make their day or put a smile on their faces. i'd rather just blabber about random things than to talk about my studies and where i'm going or planning to go. but if they ask, sure i'll fill them in. i know how sometimes i get really ticked off all the sudden. it's cuz i am not in a position to be happy and contented about myself and there you are trying to crack up some lame thing and have that wide grin on your face. i get irritated with exactly that. i'm sorry. i'm a late bloomer. sometimes you just have to let me be. i gave up trying to change myself to satisfy everyone around me. it was extremely pointless. but at that moment of time i just needed to be a part of something. and i basically didnt know who i was. i became like water. following the shape of it's container. i changed when the situation required me to. there was a point in my life where i'd drag my feet and looked down upon the world i lived in. a point where my life felt like crap and i just wanted to die. that lasted for quite sometime. before i changed again. i realized i was many different kind of people down my path of self discovery. there was a point where i decide not to bother with society anymore. i found the world a cruel place. a very distasteful part of my life which i had to conprehend one way or another. typical for everyone. it sucks to watch others have things you don't. others do things you cant. it kinda makes you feel inferior. but all that made me feel microscopic, not inferior. and personally i cannot stand that feeling.

and now this is me. i decided not to give society a damn anymore. i made myself my own. and found being me the best thing i could have in the world. even if being me meant having a cloud above my head, i'd have an umbrella ready anyway. so go figure. i realize life is what i make it. so when i decide to make it worthwhile, let me. and when i decide to make it like the shittiest shit hole in the world, let me. cuz without hell, heaven means nothing.

here's me. a person of many flaws. flaws that make me special. a person of many irrelavent thoughts. thoughts that make me different. a person of many personalities (multiple personality disorder). personalities that make me a better person (maybe?). a person of many dreams. dreams so vivid, it drives me nuts (i am already nuts). a person of bad facials. bad facials that make me look really bad in candid pictures (hahaha...i'm serious). a person who's not afraid. not afraid to be myself (oh yeah! go me!).

ok. i'm done babbling.


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