** Hundred and Ten **

i am trying very hard to keep my sanity. attempting to prevent from going senile. i've been tried out for the first 3 weeks of January. thinking the week holiday for CNY's gonna get rid of all the sleepless nights i had completing my homework. and it's only been 3 days i am still tired. splitting headaches. and i find myself reluctant to take panadol even if it does hurt. even if it does feel like my brain's gonna melt and my neurons are aimlessly traveling in my sistem short circuiting everything else. in other words. i'm malfunctioning.

i know. CNY. supposed to be happy and joyous and all the fun stuff in the world. but i'm too tired. too sleepy. too dead. too much in pain to have fun. i'm gonna start screaming at everyone soon. if i dont do something about it. heck. i can't do anything about it. my sms has reached 1.2k within the 3 weeks and my dad almost killed me for last month's bill of 2k smses. so yes. i am killing myself.

i am off to johor tomorrow. and will not be blogging until saturday. unless i decide to use my phone. which is unlikely. restriction doesn't work for me. yeah. as tempremental as i am. being a girl just made EVERYTHING worst. i don't need to explain. argh. i've got to pack now. feeling so fucking dead. even my fingers are slipping off the keys as i type. and worst we're going out for dinner tonight.

this day.

this holiday.

couldn't possibly get any worst.


peace,
rachel

** Hundred and Nine **

why do i keep finding myself trying hard to cramp homework and blog at the same fucking time. ops. crap. i'm not supposed to say this shit. fuck. too much eminem running through my veins. cuz lately there isn't much i can really do. about my life. about my school. about my family. about my emotions. about myself. and somehow eminem just spells it all out. pours it all out. like aas if i was the one who inspired that song. like i was the one who made him write that song. cuz life right now's full of shit that no one truely cares about anymore.

fuck my nose just bled.
*tilts head*
damnation. the taste of haemoglobin.

from my veins

from my arteries


down my throat

down through the stomach



i cant remember the last time i had a nose bleed. fuck. i cant remember the last time i could just watch tv not do my homework knowing nothing's gonna happen if i dont. i cant remember the last time i drenched myself in the joys of heavy rain and thunder. splashing puddles and having damp shoes tomorrow. i cant remember the last time i laughed so hard my tummy hurt for a week. i cant remember having to look forward to the next day, next sun rise, to start all over again.

ok. fucking nose bleed. i've never had one in YEARS. and now when i do it's bleeding like stupid.

i've got to go.
9.10pm


--------------[editted]------------------

10.10pm



yeah it finally stopped. and the computer's lagging so badly and i'm trying to finish my homework. damn it.

ou crap. i have to start on my sejarah notes today.
*runs upstairs*

** Hundred and Eight **

i drown in homework today
everyday it's the same old stack of hay
and it's always the greener side of land
i cannot comprehend

i fall in confusion today
and know that nothing's ever going to be okay
but nothing says it
like a cup of coffee, for every little bit

i scream in pain and vain
how slowly the cobwebs rain
the light within the candles no longer care
two shoes don't make a pair

i sleep in sorrow and horror
sand between my toes made my mirror
beyond that line
reaching out for more than worths time

i run away, hide away
lost direction, i am astray
rocks skip on water, seemingly weightless
it rains frogs today and doesn't make the press

i speak in silence
vengance, i seek, vengance
burns out the water does the flame
the soil's dead, plants get the blame
hidden behind the spotlight and fame
a butterfly's out to be tame

i stack up my dignity
surrender to them, as charged guilty
forged facials in the sea
none other to see but me

i cry out tonight
something i gave all my might
detached i am from the cold
no backbone left to hold
parasite, i see you, parasite



wait


parasite
i see me

parasite

** Hundred and Seven **

i'm here again. trying to blog and cramp in my homework at the same time. evidently it's failing. i had two days out of class. no. not yay. it's not the piles of homework i get after each day. i can deal with homework. it's the mindless crapiness of the whole freaking programme.

yeah. so they're training leaders. first of all maybe the teachers were just trying to convey some message into our closed up mind about being a leader and what to do and what not to do. yadda yiddi blah. heck. the message doesn't need to be conveyed through mindless talking where everyone's all cramped up in the media room.

what the hell was the use of us writing down our group member's on the first day. appointing a leader and getting a group a freaking name plus writing down our likes and dislikes. i don't see the significant of doing so. one thing i never likes about some of the teachers is how they give instructions. she specifically said to all the group leaders...

First game: Use everything on your body to make a line as long as you can
Second game: Pass the orange with your elbow
Third game: Knock down the hat of the opponent with the newpaper ball

so we run off to tell our group what to do. and half way through, taking out shoes and laces and ribbons, she stops us and ask to see her again. we go back and she says its not like that. we're supposed to be part of the line as well. i just stood there, wtf...you said just now use everything on our body...our body is not on our body...our body is our body.... so make the dumb stupid line. pass the freaking orange. throw the stupid newspaper ball. mess made with all the used newspaper. shesh...take and recycle la...then she talked some more. and that was the first day.

i went for Playne house meeting after that. i'm not in the spirit to be cheering or doing non-athletics for them this year. after all they lost the discipline cup last year after winning overall champion last last year. so pride gone down the drain. not that i bothered, even if we've been holding it for 10 years i think...well. at least now there won't be that constant bugging.

"girls, this year we must win the discipline cup."
"girls, discipline marks!!!"
"girls, we've been winning it for 10 years. we must win again."

girls this. girls that. and for the past four years of my life in that house, everything revolved around winning that dumb piece of metal. or is it made out of plastic. so i thank Pope for winning the cup last year. *salute*. so guess what section am i in?!?!?! first of all i joined arts cause i was way too lazy to do anything else. i'm out to make sure Playne house does not win the discipline cup anymore. walk around hair not cliped, shirt not tucked in, whatever it is.

---------------------[today]------------------------

so it is again. leadership training course. haaaa...last day. there are ice-breaking games that need to be invented. as you keep playing the same game it gets boring. i think i've played the game we played this morning five or six times already. and no doubt i go simple thing oso you people can screw up when those mix up the instructions.

then they made us pair up with someone we didn't know and write down a quality we see in them. first of all, how the hell do you see someone's quality by jus looking at them. it's like teaching us how to judge a book by it's cover. which is practically irrelevant if they were training leaders.

then it was back to being cramped up in the media room. well thecnically we sat at the back cause there were people sitting in front. it's not alike we're going to make those in front get up and let us sit in front. that's just total bull shit. so teachers being teachers. she started that whole "if you're not interested, get out" thing. if you haven't noticed, everytime the teacher says that, you'd be so very tempted to stand up and walk out. but you just remain seated in your chair and listen to her babble. so i had the urge to get up and walk out.

i sat at the back not listening. she's practically doing things she has already showed me so why should i see it again. and she goes doing that "No Apologies" activity with the water and the ink. whatever, lady.

the last 2hours were spent in the hall. wasting precious time. i could've been in class. then we had to find some junior and sit and talk something. well i didn't know what i was supposed to do actually. so i just sat with this girl, Syarifah from 4A1 i think...then we were asked to do it again. and i was practically walking around aimlessly looking for a freaking junior. and i just grabed one and sat. yes. i blindly grabbed one.

turns out i know her. well not know her by name. but i know she's a bitch. and i mean it literally. not just because she one of those high ponytailed zip-a-dee-doo-dah people. ahhh...i will not explain. anyway. i just sat there staring at her. she staring at me. screw this shit.

i went back to class after staying back to keep the wires n mic with jose n mich. complain about our parents is what we teenagers do. woots!!! then went up to class, get the homework and just stayed there. i wasn't in the mood to go for literature and go "Et tu, Brute." or "How much do i love thee, let me count the ways." .what a crappy day and you expect me to do poetry. fat chance. so i sat in class with Syarifah, Kamie, Umi, Sarah making all the noise we wanted. *bows* Thank you so much Kamie & Syarifah for offering to do the board for the dumb articles.

i thought the tacher-hating-4sc1[currently 5sc1] era was as good as gone. so why now the brand new teacher. who doesn't even know OUR CLASS. dare compare OUR CLASS to other form 5 classes. giving them merit points for taking part in class and saying that we dont. HECK. if only the teacher's would open their wrinkly eyes for just five seconds. i do find our class deserving of the merit points for taking part in class. cuz we seriously do.

TRACY. darling tracy ar...do something about your hair. we've been telling you that since this ABC crap started. then the day you got amaran from nooraini, we told you again. she told you as well. do something about your hair. and come today, after all the crapiness i had to go through, josephine comes to tell me. trayc got demerit for her hair. and worst it's from parimalah. discipline teachers double the marks btw.

they should've started this LAST YEAR. then we would've have gotten class gemilang EASY. with our choral speaking and all. darn. time to wakil sekolah and get some marks. and something to fill my testimonial cuz suddenly i realize my testimonial's gonna be empty if i dont do something about it. ahhh...whatever it is...







so now i'm going back to my homework.
gonna finish it all tonight.
sleep or no sleep.
i don't like having my homework piled up and it's only january.
i don't.

** Hundred and Six **

im trying to cramp in doing my homework in front of the screen and blog at the same time. so excuse the typos i'm about to make. this is an extremely wordly post. so if you aint got the time to read dont bother. cuz i didn't bother to bring my camera. and even if i did, i wouldn't bother to post it.

--------------[[ BersatUnite ]]--------------

went for BersatUnite concert last saturday. or was it sunday. i don't know. everyday now seem so distant to me. anyway. went to esther's house at around 5. went for dinner with a whole bunch of people i've seen before but don't know who they are. yeah. i suck at remembering names. so here comes the introducing and the constant feeling of lost-ness [if there's such a word]. then it started to drizzle and we moved inside. lawls. no harm in eating in the rain really. should be a fun thing to do eating in the rain. the longer you take to eat the more rain gets in your food. so eat fast. xD.

ahhh i cut straight to the point. i've got loads of homework to do. everytime i go out i'm bound to do something stupid. just everytime it happens it rates on a different scale. so heres the dumbest thing i have ever done when i went out. i finished my food already and was going to finish my drink. amanda asked me to help her with the wan tan. so fineeeee...eat the freaking wan tan. i was chewing and wee kiat was talking bout his bloody trip to beijing. some I<3 NY shirt in beijing. only they printed it as I <3 BJ. BJ is supposed to stand for Beijing...you know...Beijing...BJ...Beijing...BJ...BeiJing...BJ...

i think i was the first to get what it actually meant. i mean there's a secondary meaning to it. [if your mind is corrupted] and here comes the stupidity. you know how i am...when i laugh out loud i seriously laugh out loud. and yeah i laughed out loud. like serious laugh out loud. and the um....wan tan i was chewing kind fell into my drink. and i went "Owh shit". sorta fell back. bangged my head onto the thingy [i dont know what to call it].

so not funny...

xD

yes i finished my drink.
not that the "extra ingredient" bothered me.

drove to wherever the concert was. ahhh...blah....i forgot what i wanted to type...whatever la...

then went to McDonald's. McFlurry n Coke. and half way through i felt so freaking cold. for the FIRST TIME in my life i see someone stirring the McFlurry n making it all waterry before eating. i like ice cream frozen n this guy's making it melt. xD. furiously stirring the McFlurry. then i started pushing the buttons on the plastic cover they put on the cups. it fun. and addictive. xD.

so weird. lawls. i've never seen someone point at you and treaten to tickle you with a finger. and all it tuns out to be was a stroke down the spine. obviously i had no respond to it. i got no stimuli there...xD yeah then i wasn't acting my age like i always am. was like figthing for the hat. ahhh i'm a kid...

then i went home. yes my dad was mad i was out so late.
but my nose was clogged and i just dropped dead on my bed.

--------------[[ BersatUnite ]]--------------

--------------[[ Written ]]--------------

i did write for the school mag this year. for the "creative" writing section. why i placed " on the creative?!?!

creative writing is for students to express themselves through their own writing and compositions. and no doubt not all can be inspired with happy thoughts.

and this is why mine wasn't in it. cuz the school magazine NEVER prints the stories that don't end happily. or concern death. or anything else. long story short. anything emo aint gonna be accept no matter how good it is.

i cant find the original one. i dont know where i saved it. the one below is the one i started on. the very first idea. it's lame. but i try. this wasn't the one i handed in though. this one's unfinished. and i dont plan to finish it.

i think i deleted the one i sent in...damnation


The ice cream drops fell on the bricked pavement. Drip. Seeping into the space between them. Drip. Drip. Drip. In the mists of white and brownish black. Drip. Drip. A pair of blackish red converse shoes lay. Drip. The sun scorching on passersby on the streets. The cloudless clear blue sky. The trickle of sweat running down her forehead. Drip. Tyres screeched in front of her. She glared at him on the bicycle with the sun behind his head, her eyes squinted a bit. Panting, he spoke, “I’m sorry.” Slowly she stood up from squatting at the sidewalks. Tossed her ice cream stick covered in what used to be her ice cream. She stared at him angrily, crossed her arms. He looked back with sorry eyes. “I’m so sorry, Cream.” He apologized. She tapped her feet on the pavement. “Does it kill to be punctual even for ONCE?!” She screamed at him. His sight moved to the handles of his bicycle. His fingers fiddled by the handles. “Look. I’m real sorry, Cream. Please. I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.” She sighed and hopped on the back of his bicycle. Her hands on his shoulders.
He cycled slowly. The ride home was quiet. Dead silence. He rode past all the neighbouring blocks and took a shortcut through the alley. He stopped. “Why stop, Ice?” She asked. He glanced over his shoulders. “I need to-” She nodded. She got off the bicycle and leaned to the wall. He parked it at doorstep and disappeared into the door. The darkness of the alley seems to swallow her though the sun was shining brightly. There were broken baskets drowned in water from the leaked pipes. Loose steam escaped from the higher cracks of the pipes. The fire escape stairways stood firmly on the bricked building though rusted. Just below stands a large disposal bin. Imprinted with graffiti and markers. Excessive bag of trash lay outside the bin. She sighed and checked her watch. The hands show a quarter to three. She sighed. She squatted again. “Gosh. I’m waiting for him again.” Her little heart whispered as she rolled her eyes. Then, stomps down the stairs broke the silence. She could hear murmurs. Scrambling of feet. Squeaking of sneakers. “No! No! Wait! Let me-” She saw him fly out the doors. The man that stood at the doorstep pointed, “Don’t you dare come back!” The door slammed coldly. She stood slowly, walked to him lying in the mist of trash and water. He lay lifeless.
She held out her hand. “Come on. I’m going to be late for my class.” He just sat there motionless. Sighed and pulled out the key from his neck and gave her the lock for his bicycle. “Take the bicycle. I’ll walk back.” She looked at him. “I am not going to leave you here, Ice. You’re probably hurt. Come. I’ll cycle the rest.” He covered his face in his palms. “No. I said go.” She still stood there. Waiting for him. He stared at her. “I said...” He grabbed an empty can. “...GO!!” He threw it at her. She edged away avoiding the can. Seeing himself missed his target. He began picking up can by can, blindly tossing them at her. She moved, bent, jumped and just as she barely avoided the empty coke thrown at her, he finally hit her. She hit the floor. The paint can bounced off the concrete floor.
She forced herself up. Silently she got on his bicycle and left him in the alley. She returned to the scorching sun. Ridding past the supermarket, she stopped and smiled. The bruise on her face where the can hit her was now very visible. She locked the bicycle and went in.

She hurried back. Parked the bike back to where he parked his. He was still sitting there motionless. She hopped to see him smiling. She seated herself beside him and opened the packet of Oreo’s and vanilla ice cream. “Come on, Ice.” She said smiling, offering ice cream on the Oreo. He didn’t move. “Please?” She tried again. He slowly turned. His mouth wide open as she fed him the Oreo.

||||||[[ i'm not continueing ]]||||||

--------------[[ Lameness ]]--------------

at some point when you chat. some lameness comes into play. don't dare you deny it.

i dont have issues

i was chatting with GTH , JT , Apple. and i just left for 5 minutes and i came back not knowing what was happening but i knew it was about me. and i was being ignored. damn you people...
GTH:Yeah, rachel's got some issues
JT:You should see her drink coke
GTH:Coke addict
JT: is coke a drug?!?! send her to rehab for that...
Apple: lol...maybe it is
GTH: we should go investigate
JT: ok..lets plan an experiment
GTH: Suicide bomb-mer....
Apple: WTF?!?! so random
Me: i dont have issues...
GTH: rachel's a suicide bomb-mer from iraq...
JT: i'm from palestine...xD
then JT starts spamming like hell making my computer lag. you know how it is with msn n group conversations...and i thought of something to make JT shut up...

JT: {fill in the crapation}
Me: SHUT UP JT!!! Or I'll shake you like a carbonated drink!!
JT: ...
Apple: P-A-W-N-E-D

pretend shopping trip

yeah. we have vivid imagination. this was during the holidays.

Joshua: i'm stuck at home for the holidays...wtf...
Rachel: Yeh...so am i...welcome to the club...
Joshua: lets do something stupid...
Rachel: depends on how stupid...
Joshua: pretend shopping trip....i'll "buy" you ice cream...
Rachel: hahaha...ok...where r we going...
Joshua: KLCC!!!
Rachel: ok ok...
Joshua: *walks*
Rachel: *hops*
Joshua: LMAO!!! wtf la...
Rachel: you said pretend...u didn't say it has to make sense
Joshua: Nvm...lets take the lift...*pulls u into the lift*
Joshua: *doors slowly closes*
Rachel: ok what floor...
Joshua: OK!!! PEOPLE!!! DON'T PANIC...REMAIN CALM...
Rachel: *stares* WTF
Joshua: THOSE DOORS WILL OPEN...
Rachel: L-A-M-E-O

then...we were so called window shopping and walking summore.

Joshua: hey...i learnt something today...
Rachel: what...
Joshua: *burp*
Rachel: owh....kay...you were saying?!?!
Joshua: nope...that was it...
Rachel: *slaps* idiot...

--------------[[ Lameness ]]--------------

time to start by starting

** Hundred and Five **

no i dont think you quite understand.
and i dont think you quite get what i was trying to say.
no i dont think you believe.
and i dont think you trust me when i say "leap".
no i dont think you'd try.
and i dont think you'd take a chance; even if it hits u right in the face.
no i dont think you've given your best.
and i dont think you've risked it all.
no i dont think you'll shed a tear.
and i dont think you'll run a mile.
no i dont think you see what i see.

yes i dont think

i dont think at all

** Hundred and Four **

first and foremost. NO i have not abandoned my beloved blog of mine.

first day of school has never been a joy for anyone. yes. i hate the fact that my sister is here this year as well. so irritating. i am completely spaced out now, today, yesterday, day before. blah.
photography duty on the first day of school. i was hardly paying attention to what was happening let alone what i had to take. plus i didn't have my camera. i don't really like using other ppl's cameras for the simple fact that i'm not used to it. well at least i didn't need to go on with my duty for the rest of the day. though i was supposed to.
form 5 this year and how does it feel?!?! i had to drag myself out of bed, strain my eyes cuz i had to turn on the lights. get dressed. i packed my bag the day before.
then i had taekwondo after 2complete months without training. my legs hurt after that. 20 sit ups didnt hurt as much as i'd expect. after all, all i've been doing during the holidays is sleep, eat, laze around. that's about it.
Wednesday was time for duty again. my legs hurt and i still had to scale up and down the flights of stairs. at least i only did half a day's duty. and i love add maths!!! then we celebrated Miss Goh's birthday.
i didnt knowwwwww..........
not like i careddd much....
so take the bloody pictures. sing the bloody song. wish Miss Goh. write in the duty book. run up to bio lab tell the class to continue. run back down. take more pictures. yakity yak yak yak. return to bio lab. crap for a while. then took Pn. Chieng's books down. darn i should've payed attention to the CD. she asked where we stopped and i was like "shit shit shit shit shit shit shit...". so i crapped out something la. whatever it is.

yeah. i am tired out now. even after sleeping. and i still have the timetable, duty crap to do. plus the class deco.

tomorrow is friday. thank god for that.
but i have tuition...damnation....
i'm very very very very...tired.....

*yawns*
*pops dead on the keyboard*