18 May 2015

** Two Hundred and Seventy Three **

Three years. My journey in LASALLE as a growing artist is finally coming to an end and I must say I have definitely grown as an artist and as an individual during my studies there. I spent three years in that place and that is all I can say. Legit. I am glad I am graduating. There is not greater bliss. I've struggled and pulled myself back up through break down after break down and honestly have never seen myself push myself so hard.

The sad part was I felt my passion die. I felt it fade. Like I was sick of doing it after these three years. I was that enthusiastic excited young animator that loved the projects I was handed and went all out to do it as I wanted. I am graduating as a matured artist built to please mostly others.

I gotta take a break from the routine I guess.

I've been through shit where people aren't nice and people are not as forgiving as they proclaim they are. But I guess I dont really wanna keep people like that in my life anyway. The last year was a pain for me, not because of the stress but because I have never felt so alienated in my life. Yes. I prolly had a bit of problems fitting in back in school which I never understood. I was always that awkward kid that tries really hard to be a part of a group but they never really honestly took me as part of them. Like this sense of belonging that I was never meant to have, ever, in my life.

But I'm graduating. I'll never see these people again. Maybe parting wouldn't be so hard then.

People come and go.

I make a point to bring this up that in my three years here I have matured a hell lot. I have grown so much I cannot handle it. The vast majority question my taste in men. The vast majority question my decisions and why am I still in this dysfunctional relationship.

I wouldn't call it dysfunctional.

A lot of good things take time. I honestly think we are growing together. I know I grew.

After that little incident, I cant bring myself to step fully back into the relationship. I dont find the stability I need in a relationship with him gong about partying with his party pals. Even if I'd rather not conform to the stereotypes of "people who club are trouble" idea. Thats what it rubs off on everyone else and everyone is waiting for him to someday fuck it all up. Honestly I am in no position to stop him from doing what he likes. Even if at this moment in time he makes it look like he has to get my permission for everything or every outing he wants to go to.

I'd love to say no. Then it makes me look like a kill joy. Like as if I'm some controlling girlfriend.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but why would you go call another girl "pretty" when you're in a relationship? Call it jealousy or paranoia but I dont think any guy in a relationship should be throwing out compliments to other girls under the jurisdiction of "being nice". No shit you're being nice. You're feeding her bloody ego. And you dont even call your girlfriend pretty unless she dresses up for a random day when she feels like it. Not that I'm one to need to be showered with compliments. But seriously. "Being nice" is not a legit reason.

I believe he is still a kid and has a lot to learn. Yeah. He claims he has matured and know more about life than I probably have. But his actions would say otherwise. It is not a case of me trying to mold and change him in hopes that he eventually becomes my ideal guy. Thats not gonna happen. It just saddens me that the people closest to him that should have the most believe in him dont give two cents about him anymore.

I wouldn't say that I have not been emotionally scarred going through this relationship. I've been to hell and back and still standing.

It hurts not just emotionally but it takes away bits and piece of confidence you thought you had and self value and respect. It hurts til today to know you can merrily throw out  sexual innuendos with slut face and challenges to her like as if you weren't in a relationship with me at all. It hurts to know you answered the question of whether you found me pretty with a "nahhh~ she's just cute"

"Just cute?!?!"

Am I honestly that plain of a person that you have nothing better to describe the "love of your life" than "just cute" ???

Because your level of pretty is plastic and blogfaced.

Here they say you cannot fix the broken. And he has bunch of friends that are proud of being broken.

Excuse you. But I wouldn't be proud of a broken light bulb in my house. Neither should you.

A lot of things are different now. The way I see this relationship is different. I dont know where exactly this would go. By the looks of things it may be for the long run or it may not but he's definitely not there yet if he plans on marrying me.

If my future husband is even half the man of what my father is I'd be content enough.

Dating younger guys is definitely a whole new meaning of babysitting.

Sorry. Not pretty. Just cute.

I can honestly say I am not fully on board this ship yet. I am still scared. Scared that someday he'll throw me out again. Make me feel unwanted and make me feel completely worthless about myself. Scared that someday he might decide that he has had enough and decide to break it off just because I had a bad day and took it out on him.

Some days I think I should date a sponge.

Then he tell me he thinks I'm more compatible with one of his friends. I don't know if your friends have bro codes but I do and you don't date your friend's ex. Its just weird and wrong on so many levels. But in all honesty I feel like I don't really know if the relationship is worth the long run.

I'm hoping it is and praying it doesn't slap me in the face.

I went through a surge of anger this morning. Not because a random stranger fucked up my day. I can't stand it how two faced some people can be in life. I get bothered by it. I shouldn't have given a fuck about dressing up for halloween if they were gonna just be bitches about it and do such things. Like dont freaking pretend like you actually am ok with hanging out with me after that incident and happily take photos as the three of us and them cover up my face like you didn't want me in the picture but you felt the obligation to do so because you wanted to be nice.

Excuse you.

I would've taken your request to not have me in the picture. I didn't force myself into the picture. You wanted to take the three of us and then have the audacity to cover up my face.

One of the better decisions I've made in the past year was not wanting to belong anywhere.

And definitely not wanting to be part of your parade.

Someday. Some where. I am a unicorn rare shiny pokemon to someone. N he'll love me for life when he chooses me. It just doesn't feel that way at the moment.

Maybe its just me.

It was nice today to be one of the guys. Or at least hang out with them.

Then I realized. A vast majority of people that honestly cared are guys, not because they wanna get in my pants, but they honestly care and often times made sure I was safe. I never really realize how nicely I have surrounded myself with lil knights in tin foils that provide me daily bits and pieces of happiness that will suffice for the day.

Then I also realized. My girl friends never cared. They never bothered.

Which brings me to my point. I feel extremely sad about it. Not because girls dont give a shit about me. Or the girls that were close to me never really gave a shit about me anyway. I have always wanted a girl bestfriend. A friend I would keep forever and have this amazing unbreakable bond that no matter how far we were we'd still be the bestest of friends and no one could challenge that.

Dreams will be dreams.

I find myself more bonded with boys than girls. Maybe because I have grown tired of all the back stabbing and cat fighting girls do. I'm tired of how comparative they are and how shitty I would feel being the ugly duckling in the lot. I've grown sick of conversations that don't strike my interests or anything I honestly care about because I don't care about trends or make up or girl stuff. I have honestly given up on trying to fit in and have proper girl conversation when somedays I wanna just discuss fetishes and porn with some people and every fucking girl just denies the fuck out of watching porn. Like its a taboo. Stop pretending you slut faces. You've all read fifty shades of grey. Don't fucking tell me porn is disgusting and fetishes are weird. Some days I just wanna talk bout weird stuff like cars and games and girls stare at me like they dont fucking know what I'm talking about because its not stuff that they are interested in.

So here's me. Happy with all the boys that have pulled through and survived days and days of mental and physical torture with me. Happy with all the boys that have kept me safe, took me as a bro and still did the gentlemanly thing when the time requires it to be such. Happy with all the boys open enough to talk about porn, sex and fetishes like it wasn't taboo but just another topic of discussion. Happy for all the boys that had my bad and understood my hate of being a girl and its monthly issues and came to my aid without a second thought or a cringe. Happy with all the boys that understand that I dont mind being treated like one of the guys, that I can be conversed with like a bro and be your wing man if needed. Happy with all the silly stuff you guys actually do among yourselves with or without me.

Happy for all the boys that walks me home/drives me to my door step.

Happy for all the boys that were caring enough to be a shoulder I could lean on with school was shit and I was going through many breakdowns.

Happy for all the boys that took me as a bro.

Who the fuck needs girl friends. Lol. I have Knights in tin foil.

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