** Two Hundred and Seventy Six **

I figured I should probably put more than just one post a year in this long forgotten blog of mine. Its a nice little time capsule now but it would probably be more of use if it actually encapsulate something.

It has been a long grueling 2017 of ups and downs and turnarounds. I'm pretty tired of a lot of things and have a lot less tolerance for a lot of the shit I realize I used to be very tolerant of. Crazy fucking compromises I made for a whole bunch of people I did not really care much for.  Hey. We'll start with all the good and amazing things that I've done with my sad pathetic life as of now.

Work has been dull. I'm starting to think maybe I cannot live with a 9-6 job for long. The routine feels so empty albeit the stable income every month into my bank account is amazing and I do not need to worry much about looking for freelance out on my own. There is a sense of disconnection from the work I put out. Its just work after all. A 9 to 6 grind I do five times a week for a lum sum of money at the end of the month. I left Weike Gaming Tech in October. It would've been a great place if I planned on settling on an easy going job with an okay pay cheque with okay perks. The work I do there isn't all that great and it is very obviously nothing to be proud of or show off to anyone. I don't really even want to talk about my shitty work half the time. So I hopped over to MoCreative in November, I like this place a little better. The team is a lot more cohesive and it feels a lot more free although work ethics are pretty strict. I'm back to being an animator, and my first month was pretty rough on me. Picking up a new program and rekindling the long lost animator in me. I've done a good two months in MoCreative and I'm actually quite contented to just stay here for a while. I think as long as the work continues to be interesting and challenging, that is all I really need.

I have also moved out of the now ex-boyfriend's place and to my own lil rented cave nearby work. Its like the best shit in the word.

Talk about work outside work. Its been pretty awesome but I possibly have come to terms that I cannot juggle them between the full time job kind of thing. It becomes exhausting after awhile. The grind got a bit too hard to handle at some point when I bit off more than I could chew and left some people disappointed. Bless everyone who has been patient with me and understanding enough to give me more time to wrap up their stuff. I never liked delivering half ass works when it came to people paying for my art and if some extra time was all I needed I have kind of gotten over the whole shame of not being able to deliver as promised. Start treating myself like a human being just trying to art rather than a machine.

Should dump some art here I guess. One of the bigger achievements of the year was probably the Star Guardian collaboration promotional art with Riot Games. Handling a team of four other artists, even if they're mutual friends, has been, an eye opener more than anything. I'm more than grateful to have had this opportunity. I would have never thought I'd even come close to such a thing. Partially because I'm pretty shit of an artist. 

I completed Inktober2017 on A4 pieces and have them exhibiting at a gallery for a good month with a bunch of other crazy talented people. What am I even doing there seriously... I technically did not finish all 31 days but I'm pretty darn proud of the fact I pulled through working on a bigger piece of canvas than what I'm used to. And also did another smaller set of Inktober this year and published my first ever book! :D Also putting it out there that I've been taking and drawing lewd commissions below the radar because it just felt like a thing that was shunned by "industry" people.

Heck. I did it anyway. Of course, not without some nudging and encouragement from friends. The sales went pretty good too, surprisingly. 

I started doing cons this year. Dived right in and hope for the best. It was nice meeting fans and people that supported and liked my art. It was definitely an experience. I would like to continue doing cons as much as I possibly can with the amount of leave I actually have. lol. Its tiring but the payout is pretty rewarding for me at the least. Got sponsored a booth for a League of Legends even back home shortly after. That was something. 

Did a bunch of art for charity artbooks and drives. Started doing Twitch assets commission for all them amazing up and coming streamers.

Boothed for the first time in Singapore and on the biggest convention of the year in KL, Comic Fiesta. 

 Oh! I also did art for a playmat and alt card for a Game of Thrones card game. I feel like the playmat is super trash though. Could've been so much better if I didn't suck so much. I'm pretty content and proud of RoC actually. Heck the stained glass thing took longer than expected but its so good. 

HOLY HECK. I had a crazy art year wtf. 

Oh and I also start playing DnD and it's like the best thing in the world! Here's my precious baby girl Nyarla that's forever failing her sanity rolls because the only thing she's ever good at is running away or towards trouble. Shoot first ask questions later. :3

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Now for the heavier topics.

I started the year pretty sure and content with the way things were. I was making compromises I thought I was okay with making and for a long time it was. It felt like the relationship was smooth sailing and things were okay and going great. No big arguments. No issues on both sides of the family. Everything seemed like it was going swell. 

I honestly dont know what went wrong. He left for Berlin for 3months and within that time frame a lot of things happened.  I will not deny the fact that there are things that have been lingering at the back of my mind for the longest time and back then it has been brought up time and time and somehow I understand it is difficult for a person to change their ways and who they are. I was pretty tired of being a broken record. 

I had time to think about the things I really wanted in life and the things I wanted to do and whether I would want to drag this person along with me. Truth be told, I didn't and I was pretty sure about it. That wasnt all that broke the entire thing down though. He came back from Berlin after a month of not allowing me to be there for him when I knew things were rough and in all honestly I hd stopped giving a shit after that. Clearly I no longer have the patience of the people who take my care for granted and the fact that I've said it multiple times to him has made it pretty clear that if he didn't want me around so be it. I get I probably sound pretty fucking unreasonable right now but I have wasted too much time and effort caring for people that didn't deserve any of it at all. Frankly, I'm quite done. 

Ok. He came back with the confidence of asking me when we wanted to get married and I'm not going to lie that shit hit me like a truck. It dawned to me that in the past month of time to myself and thinking I realize I didn't want to get married. I didn't like the idea of letting this person own me. And so I freaked out a lot, I didn't know how to handle the situation and it was pretty messy. He wasn't a bad person, heck, he is a great fucking guy but maybe things ran dry and got really fucking complacent and boring and I can't continue living like this. Things were safe and routine with him and sometimes I guess there is comfort in that but as of now and the way I'm running my life, I dont really want that. I guess things were just boring with him and maybe some girls like that. I don't want to blame things on the complacency that comes with every relationship but somehow it is what it is.

Things were hard for the last month or so. It felt weird to be on the other end of the relationship, being the one to call things off. It was really hard to be with him and try. I felt my body react to touch the way I never knew it could, it scared me. I figured it was better to do it now than later. Time was weird and I kinda had to loiter and wait around for the right time to pull the plug. It was a long hard weekend of CF2017 and it was definitely full of disappointments I no longer wanted to deal with.

Shortly after heading back to Singapore, we had a nice lil dinner and well the words were hard. It was a long talk but it came to an understanding and we kind of went our separate ways. It wasnt a bad break up, actually the most calm one I've had. It feels as though I was being selfish and I probably was.

So I walked out of that two year run with a great guy. He has done plenty for me. 

It felt really shitty to do it. It was very unfair for him. But I made my choice and after the weekend of CF I felt as if I was very much done with all the disappointment and promises people have been throwing at me. I could easily tell him I needed space but I feel like I needed to walk away from this one as it was getting harder and harder for a lot of other things besides just that. I gave it a shot dating a guy who smokes and clearly I didn't like the idea of spending my life waiting for someone to finish their cigarette. A lot of things didn't quite fit and it just felt like I should just throw in the towel instead of trying to change a person to be who he isn't.

It honestly felt like a weight was lifted. Maybe the idea of marriage really did put a dent in what I thought was a smooth sailing relationship as I come to my senses that I could possibly be very much afraid of that level of forever commitment. Maybe it was the amount of compromise I was willingly doing for the past few years and suddenly dawned to me that I was not willing to do it for life. Feels too soon to cage myself to this level of commitment. Its crazy that a couple of years back I was okay with the idea of marriage, obviously without much thought to anything else beyond what was surface level stuff and assuming itll be as normal as any other normal shit in life would be. 

I dont really know. 

Told myself I wouldnt make a quick switch this time round but I feel like somewhere deep down I probably already have.

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Life's a little weird right now. I think I'm quite okay with where things are and where I am. Slightly more comfortable in my own skin. A lot more aware of what makes people a friend and what doesnt. Listening to my gut more often than just second guessing that sorry bugger and doing things I think is "right".

I'm honestly very tired of making people stay in my life when they clearly don't want any part of it and have made it a point to walk away from these people the moment I see it. I don't think its unfair for them that I decidedly "punish" them for their complacency in being in one's life. In all honesty if you wanted a person in your life to keep you wouldn't need to be told to do the things needed to do to keep up with that said person. 

I'm pretty sure I've become very unforgiving to a lot of things that I once brushed off as humans being humans and therefore this behavior should be forgive and given a second, third, forth shot. I have never sat down and thought about it but I have one too many times let these people constantly fuel the disappointment I so feared in letting people into my life and allowing them the liberty of making me the promises they obviously will not and can not keep. I'm pretty sure there are times where I've made promises I have not been able to keep and have disappointed a handful of people that depended on me. I do not speak as if I'm some perfect higher being and maybe my expectations of people have become extremely unrealistic.

I'm just very fucking tired. 

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Thats about it I guess.

I made a lot of leaps of faith this year with my art and couldn't have done it without the nudging of my friends. I'm pretty glad I made those leaps that lead to cooler things. 

I guess I was arting better than I was doing anything else with my life for the entire year because everything else seems to be in a big pile of mess as of now. 

More cool stuff next year I guess. ;3

Cheers.

Rach.