06 February 2015

** Two Hundred and Seventy Two **

One month into 2015 and I'm already dreading the rest of the year if its gonna keep spiraling for the worst. I have been emotionally unstable. I have psychologically toss, twisted and shredded into pieces. I am a ticking time bomb.

I probably have myself to blame. I have the entire world calling me stupid now for the choices I have decided to make but I honestly believe I made the right choice.

I came back to Singapore in January to continue my final semester and who knew things would spiral out of control so quickly. For the past year, I was honestly not aware of how selfish and insensitive I was to my significant other. I honestly thought everything was going okay, even if he said he dropped me hints. So, I came back ti Singapore greeted with the news of another girl. No. He didn't really cheat I guess. I wouldn't call it that. He told me he had lost all feelings for me and had developed feelings for this other girl. Hit me like a truck. Though then it honestly felt like I was at fault for how badly our relationship fell. I understood we were both at faults.

He told me, " you're too good for me"

I couldn't understand the logic. If you have someone too good for you why would you let that person go. It was a weird excuse which I figured was a easier way to settle things with a closure than without one. So I was tosses back and forth for a bit. We got back together thinking we could still fix this. I honestly believe we could. I honestly did.

But I was never the same.

I became very scared. Scared of a lot of things. And suddenly everything that he never told me, he told me. Not that I cannot take criticism, rejection and hate. But when they all come crashing in on you like consecutive pistol shots right through you, it becomes a painful ordeal. I'm okay with being strong. But I honestly started to crumble because I was scared of losing him again. For whatever wrong that I did and didn know I even did. I was insecure and constantly think some girl thats giving him the attention might take him away someday when I turn my back. I didn't know what to do. But I know I was crumbling.

I have never cried so much in such a short period of time.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm actually making the same mistake as I did the last time. Making someone stay when they obviously don't want me anymore. Then they'll slowly and gradually edge away from me. I wouldn't even know what happened cuz in the back of my mind I was trying to make it work. Maybe he is trying, I honestly just need someone to hug me and tell me everything will be okay cuz I dont know where to get that reassurance.

I have never practiced a tit for tat sorta thing. But some people do I guess.

There are a lot of things I don't do. Honestly, in the past month I've been doing. It honestly hurts that of all the wrongs I've done he can't find a single right things I've done. Its heartbreaking. I'm starting to feel like a doormat. I've actually apologized instantaneously at situations and calmed down faster than I thought I could ever before fights got worst. I have never given in to someone so much.

But I guess it wasn't good enough.

Another thing I have never done in front of a person was admit I'm scared. I have never honestly shown vulnerability cuz I've never liked it. But I honestly needed to get this off my chest cuz it was bothering me and keeping it bottled up inside is not doing me any good. I honestly thought he had the right to know how the situation made me feel. Maybe I should not have said some things that I sorta of blurted out without thinking. And I apologized for that. But I will not ask for an apology if he's not going to give one. he should know he wronged me. I opened up and it took a lot of me to open to and honestly tell someone I am honestly scared of losing them. That every text from another girl makes me scared. That every waking moment I wonder how long your feelings for me would last this time before they fade again.

I was so scared.

"Fine. Stop trying then."

He stomped off. He left me on the streets after opening up to him of how scared I was of losing him. H stormed off and I just stood there crying. Hoping he'd actually look back. Told myself if he doesn't I'll just find my way back and cry myself to sleep. He didn't look back. I literally told him how scared I was of losing him and it felt like I was hopelessly watching him walk away from me just because I told him that.

He told me he was looking for a bus stop.  He told me he didn't know I wouldn't follow.

I guess its better to keep things bottled up then.

Honestly I think I deserved an apology. Not because I apologized for the shitty things I shouldn't have brought up. But because he just left me to cry on the street.

"Doesn't feel good does it?"

I repeated myself three times before he caught on that he left me there in tears. But hey.

His feelings were the one that faded not mine. How is it that I feel like I'm being punished for loving someone unconditionally and dealing with the good and the bad. Now people are calling me stupid for trying so hard to a point I'm literally going to be emotionally broken. People are telling me he's no longer worth my time. People are telling me he doesn't make me happy anymore when I'm obviously in all honestly in so much pain.

I honestly don't know if it is all worth.

I honestly don't know what I'm doing anymore.

I don't know who I am dating anymore. I can be a stubborn person that never backs down from a fight. But I am honestly proud of myself, even if he doesn't see that I've been backing down from fights. Its not fair that I deal with all his shenanigans and he can tell me he doesn't wanna deal with me attitude. I'm sorry but we all have good and bad days. I'm only human.

People are calling me stupid.

I'm not stupid.

I know I'm not.


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