27 November 2013

** Two Hundred and Sixty Five **

I dont really understand some things...

Its been a rollercoaster ride and I feel like the bolts and screws are coming apart. Maybe its true somehow that I have unhealthy attachments. I mean, it should be as simple as, if you're not happy leave, if you're happy stay. Its so simple.

Honestly, I lacked confidence in many ways. More so of how I look. Obviously not the prettiest girl on earth. Neither photogenic nor video-genic. I always wanted to be those girls that people take second glances at when you walk down the street. I wanted to be those girls that get picked up by guys. Because for some reason, I liked the adoration they gave. Then again, it never happened. So, go figure.

It was so retarded back then when I obsessed so much about this one guy and was so heart broken by a relationship that didn even last a day. Yeah. Thats how much I thought I liked him. Then it just cooled down and I gradually moved on. Figured he wasnt worth anymore of my time. Now when I look back at it, he wasnt all that great. But I'd stay up just to talk to him. Waiting for him to come online. Would've gone back in time now and told myself forget it.

Then one break up after another.

Soon. I kinda got really tired. Tired of "i love you" that obviously didnt mean shit. Tired of all the lame cheesy promises that only go as far as internet pixels. So tired of trying to hold on. So tired of waiting. So tired of taking chances.

Honestly, right now, where i'm standing, the ice is so thin. I don't want to jump ship and sink into the deep end again. Just because I cant swim. I feel so selfish. I mean, if someone is will to try, I should to. But what is it worth anymore. If it just a "grin-n-bear with it" situation, why try. Maybe opposites attract, but this is beyond what I can bear sometimes.

Maybe I do need a break from this.

You know what it feels like?? I say its fine, cuz I've been there, obsession over someone you can't have. Don't come and tell me you don't think of her now and then. When you're depressed and what nots. Not being jealous here but hey, you know what it looks like from  my perspective? Oh look, I can't get this one, I guess this would do.  Yeah feels like that. Kinda sucky feeling too. Been feeling that way for quite some time.


Why me.

Could just pick up anyone of them off the street. Honestly, if I didn know you, I wouldnt even approach you. If you get my drift. Yeah. What does that say bout my taste. My taste is horrible apparently. Yeah. So I don't get it. Then again, maybe singaporean girls are a lot easier. I don't know. LOL.

Maybe I just need some time off for myself. Maybe I got attached too soon. Literally jumped from one ship to another. Prolly build up a horrible reputation soon. Don't really have anyone to blame for that. I give people chances cuz they deserved them. Maybe I shouldve more time  to evaluate the situation. Maybe I'm wayyyy toooo easy too.

I don't know.

Lots of "maybes". Lots of uncertainties. Lots of unopened doors.

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