** Two Hundred and Sixty One **

Have you ever found yourself secretly jealous for the dumbest reasons?

I have.

Over and over again.

Its not that big or valid of a reason to find yourself secretly hoping in your heart they'd lose a limb or something. And yet. There you are. Cursing them behind that smile.

Rather stupid when you think of it.

Maybe I did have a teensy tiny crush. Not that it meant anything. Or maybe it was just because we used to spend all the time in the world together. Or maybe I thought it meant nothing. And then find myself gleaming with jealousy. not sure if I should call it jealousy. It felt like it. Or maybe it just felt like I was being replaced by someone else. Like someone just came and decided to take my spot in the line. Felt like a stab right through. Then again, why did i expect things to be the same.

Yeah. I get jealous a lot actually.

Maybe I took it all the wrong way. I've been feeling replaced these past few days. Back when I used to complain about people having way too much hopes on me. Figures that that hope gave me the drive to better myself. So old hopes on me disappear. I feel so directionless now. Feels like everything I do is rather pointless.

___________________________________________________________________

I dont know what happened. But it feels as if, I lost that need I used to have to skate. I used to have skating as my anti-drug. To make me feel better after a hell of a day. To give me self worth after all the beating I take. Somehow. It feels like its all gone. I dont know where it went or what happened. The urge is not there. The simple urge that drove me to improve myself. Not sure if it is a good thing. But I used to go all crazy ecstatic when i finally could land a trick. Even if i manage to land one now, I wouldnt even give myself a pat in the back. What's the point of congratulating myself for something so minuscule.

I feel really stagnant. And it's not because I'm injured half the time or what. I just dont know what is wrong with me. Maybe its not me. But it probably is. Somehow I feel like I'm going nowhere no matter how much I train. I dont know. There's this sense of hopelessness now. Like a void I do not know how to fill.

Then, I thought.

Maybe I should just quit.

** Two Hundred and Sixty **

Hello November. :)

Proper update as promised. ( i must be mad. i still have work to do and here i am blogging )

Crazy. I'm turning 20 in exactly two weeks. ( god i feel old. even if my boyfriend said my hairstyle made me look 15 today. ) Its so stupid how for the past few years my birthday has been aligned with some major ass thing like a big exam or well in this year's case its assessment week. So yeah. So stupid. I want to celebrate my birthday in peace instead of having to worry bout shit.

I have been having the urge to type the wrong word as i write this post. Why brain?!

Parents came down last weekend. Honestly, I dont know why but I dreaded seeing them. Not that I hated them or anything. I just... I dont know... Maybe meeting them was like taking away some microscopic freedom i had. MICROSCOPIC. This boarding school I'm staying at is a fucking prison. And their SOP is so fucking annoying. I honestly hate this place and its restrictions. Even if there's a full court for me to slalom in peace, its not worth the price of having people ride up my ass every time im not back by 10pm. ( this included if im maybe 5mins late ) And the fact that I have to have my parents write me out if I wanted to stay out. Then we have this crazy two faced lady who shares the same surname as mine. Super nice and shit on the surface. Fucking insensitive at the most inconvenient of times. Then we have the noisy girls in my block. Laughing and screaming in the hallways like they're the only people here. And one who blows her hair at 1am everyday. Yes. I am not kidding.

I hate this place.

But.

I'm staying for another next year.

For my sister.

Crazy. How I went into Lasalle pretty confident about going into 3D. And now I am caught in the middle again. I love both 2D and 3D. I love how I get to work hands on in 2D. How you get to see your own hard work and persistence in your project come to life. How most of everything i done by hand and not dependent of a piece of technology. How most things seem limitless. But I also love how 3D serves as a new media for me cuz all the while ive been doing traditional art. Have always wished to go digital but attempts have been futile. I like the balance the two provide for me artistically. I like the feeling that I can accomplish something with or without the help of a piece of program.

So sad I have to pick for next year.

So fucking sad.

Oh.

Did I mention, My 3D lecturer hates me. 

But I think I have grown artistically.

I think. 

LOL.

OMG. IT FELT SO NICE TO BE THE GIRL WITH HER HEAD STUCK IN A BOOK AGAIN!!

Just saying. :)

Oh yeah. 

There's this boy in my life. 

Le happy pill.

But he sleeps A LOT!! ( im not kidding ) That aside, he's an amazing guy. imo anyway. Thought I'd never find someone who did as many things as I did. :) Crazy boy never listens to me half the time. I think we make a really random bundle of randomness at times. Sometimes i like to instigate his curiosity knowing it kills him not knowing though its really nothing. Its funny watching him try to dig it out. I like how he puts his arms around my waist. And kisses on my forehead. Pretty magical being his girl. There's not one day spent with him that would be the same as the other cuz something stupid would come up. Most of the time from him. At times he cares too much he forgets to care for himself as well. Not that its a bad thing. Yes. Even with most people treating me like a princess. He does too. I think I got so used to it some times it feels like I have my own personal man slave now. lol. Still love him nonetheless. Though he probably thinks he's not good enough for me yet. ( like most guys would ) Heck. I feel like he's too good for me. lol. Go figure right?! Honestly speaking, I'm pretty happy. :) Rather glad I gave you a shot. 

Though. Sometimes. I'd wish he'd send me back more often. I mean. I took the effort to go all the way there to be with him. Least he could do is send me back. Not complaining. Then again, its stupid. I can go back on my own perfectly well. Pft.

But it'd be nice.

I shall go back to my work now. :)

I shall update more often. 

Promise.

Nyan,
Rach

** Two Hundred and Fifty Nine **

I can't remember when was the last time I blogged. Probably nobody checks anymore. But hey, I blog for myself. XD

I've been through almost an entire semester of animation in lasalle. Honestly speaking, I signed up for it so I am not complaining. Bout the late nights. Bout the countless assignments. Bout the stress and strain I go through. Bout being tired half the time. I signed up for it. Those aside, I feel like I learnt a lot from these few months of the course. Especially of how long 30s of an animation is. Trust me, it's longer than you expect. I figured I grew patient with a lot of things. And being the perfectionist I am comes in handy.
I like how a one second walk takes forever to finish when you're the one doing it. Madness.

For every character you make and animate, it sucks a little life out of you as an animator and that little life is the life you give to your character.

Still wished I had proper nights of sleep and food once in a while. XD

I don't blame lasalle for piling up work on me to a point I have hardly any time at all to skate. Often at times, I feel so stressed out bout all of it that I just want to skate but I can't cuz I have to finish my work. Nonetheless this fact annoys me a lot. I love the sport. I want to be able to invest my time and effort into it and improve. It's crazy how it's been months and I feel like I hardly improved. Actually it feels like I didn't progress from the time I stepped foot in Singapore.

I want to improve.

I realize moving on isn't the easiest thing to do. Mayb it's the certain attachment you have to someone after spending a long enough period of tine with them. But I decided it wasn't worth it if my efforts were just going to be flushed down into the drain anyway. Might as well let it go. Even if it seemed like the hardest thing to do.

People walk in and out of our lives all the time.

Yes. I am blogging in the train like a boss. XD

I'll give a proper full update when I have the time. :)

Toodles,
Rach

p.s. When you spend enough time with someone you'd find the little flaws in them that sometimes annoy you enough to drive you up the wall. Then you'd just take a deep breath and bear with it cuz you know you aren't perfect either. :)

** Two Hundred Fifty Eight **

First and foremost. Apologies for not updating the past few months. Didn't think you guys would be interested in the boring things i do on a daily basis at home. Alone. some awesome news bfore i touch on the more emotional stuff. Malaysia's First Slalom Series in Penang. :D Yes. By far the best ive done for speed slalom. All the while my time had been 10s either that or i'll dq. so yeah. big improvement. although i only got 4th. :) Was rather unexpected. I did really badly by my standards. Horrible performance. I was too tired. I did take part in slide. Unfortunately got injured during the finals and was unable to continue. Twas a waste to have fallen, but what's passed has passed. No used dwelling in it.

I figured i fell pretty hard. I sat there stunned for the moment as i couldnt move my leg. I seriously thought i tore something. I thought i'd have to quit skating for awhile. Rather scary thought. But the most rewarding thing about the competition wasn't the trophies or prizes, it was the fun times skating with all the participants from Indonesia, Thailand, and Singapore. Making new friends and learning from one another. The experience that comes with it. Seeing them, I realize i have a hell of a long way to go before i reach their standards but no doubt i'd reach it soon. Time to train up. :) Seriously looking forward to skating with everyone soon.

 ______________________________________________________________

 Have you ever looked back at that one time in your life and wished you could just go back to that time and live through it all over again? I dont know.

I must be going mad.

Here I am. It has been years since we met. And I'm the one being delusional about it all. Struggling to keep what I held dear to. At that time, he saw me when no one else did and became my place of comfort. Then a turn of events brought us to here. Where I sit wondering why am I still doing this. Why am I still grasping onto something that I know very well will leave me. Why am I struggling to keep what I had when I know its never going to be the same. Why am I torturing myself into this ordeal. All for the simple reason of the feeling of euphoria I wanted to stay. I didn't want to sink back into the sorrowful past I had. I didn't want to fall back into the everyday motions of hating everything i had. I wanted to wake up happy.

I couldn't understand why was I so afraid to let go. I still dont.

 Maybe its because being happy meant a lot to me.

 Cliche as I type out the next line. The only reason why I hardly show I'm sad or depressed because things are complicated and I'd just tear up when people ask again. Its a lot easier to smile and pretend nothing is wrong. The reason why I decided to drink til my heart's content that night at Penang was because I was so sick and tired. I've been a tomboy most of the time but honestly I just need someone to treat me like a girl because most of the time I tend to become one of the boys. Not that its a bad thing. I was sick and tired of being the guy in the relationship. I was sick and tired of bending. I know relationships have their give and takes but it feels like I've been doing all the giving. But I cant exactly blame him.

 And then, you'd be wondering, all that complaining, why am I still fussing over this. Just leave.

 I'm not sure how. Things take time to heal.

 Honestly, how do you leave someone that gave you so much to remember. I am so used to people calling "cute" and "pretty", I no longer find value in those two words. Most of the people call me that. Not to boast. Just. It wouldve mattered a lot to me back maybe 6/7years that someone called me that because back then, no one would take a second glance at me. meh late bloomer i guess. plus maybe lacking self confidence.

 ah. drifted off topic.
 My brain is so fogged up right now.
 I'll make one more post bfore i leave for Singapore.
I need to sort out my emotions. Promise the next post be a happy one. :)

 Toodles, Rach

** Two hundred and Fifty Seven **

Honestly. I've been blogging for SO LONG. I haven't took the time to blog about Cosplay. Ok. Well, now I have something to write about.

I have been cosplaying since Comic Fiesta 2007. Yes. It has been a full 4years of cosplay for me. But I only came out in 2009. =) And now people know me as Maro. ;)

I'm in no place to complain. Heck. I'm still very new to cosplay (tho many would disagree).

I'll keep this short and simple. ;)

First.

WHY. After some event do some of the cosplayers make groups. I mean. I was there. New and not familiar with anyone. But I do not understand why would you people have the urge to make a group. You want to get to know people in the community, go to events, say "hi". Maybe it's just me, but that's how i'd prefer it. Plenty of cosplay groups on facebook as it is. (currently in 8-9 groups) Is there some madd ass pride of being the admin of a cosplay group? Does it make you feel like the leader of all cosplayers or something?? As far as I'm concerned, I noticed newer cosers have the wrong idea of cosplay. If you think being an admin of a group is your ticket to getting known in the community, you're doing it wrong.

So. Very. Wrong.

Photo to entertain you~ ;)

Keep reading~ Owo

Second.

I'm not pin pointing. I am using it as an example.
How can you make a group and call it "Stars of cosplayer"?? So, by the name I figured whoever that is NOT in the group is not popular enough to be in it. YEAH. THAT was my first impression on the name of the group. Then, I went through member list. NO. I scrolled down. Obviously admin is a new cosplayer (not surprised anymore). COSPLAYING IS NOT FOR FAME. If you so happen made a name for yourself then its a plus. Other than that, it is but a hobby. just like any other hobby. Naming a group THAT, is going to mislead people.

Like. Seriously. Mislead.

Are you still with me? OwO


I have a few more things to say...

Third.

I'm sorry if i do offend people.
And you give the reason for the group is to GATHER ALL cosplayers. WHAT?? You think you're the ONLY ONE who's finally thought of making a cosplay group so that all the cosplayers can gather?? You think you're the ONLY ONE that had it "wonderful" idea?? Plus the fact that you're new. Yeah. You're this Einstein of the cosplay community. All of the people who had cosplayed longer never thought of such a thing. Sureeeee...Seems legit.

I'm finishing soon...


I promise~ OwO

Fourth.

MAJORITY of the time. The group gets spammed with "Like this...like that...contest..." Shared once. Its fine by me. But continue spamming and it becomes a nuisance to EVERYONE in the group. That aside. You give me reason for the group is for new cosers to learn from the more experienced ones. BITCH PUHLEEZEEEE. This is why I say those newer to cosplay nowadays are so dependent. Waiting for people to spoon feed.

Taobao in mandrin. Cant read mandrin. USE GOOGLE TRANSLATE. GET A FRIEND WHO CAN.

Wig problems. No idea how to handle. YOUTUBE. GOOGLE. USE THE INTERNET.

Prop making. No experience. COMMON SENSE. Dont tell me you wanna make a sword you go and use A4 paper. What kind of stupid are you?!?

Make up. No idea how to use anything. PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT. TRY AND ERROR. You don't expect to learn how to draw perfect eyeliner overnight.

I started cosplay with no help what so ever. The set of skills i have today for cosplay come from the internet and common sense. What's your excuse for not being able to learn on your own.

Then again, if someone does ask for help/guidance, I wouldnt go all dishing out on them. But sometimes somethings are so simple, makes me wonder why would ANYONE have problems with it.

Not happy with my post?

Photo credits to :
A.R.C Photography
Razrig Photography
H.T. Production

Love ,
Rach

** Two Hundred and Fifty Six **

Rant post cuz I have been seeing stuff like this going around facebook for wayyy to long. so just to clarify some of the trash they put on the list.

45 THINGS A GIRL WANT, BUT WON’T ASK FOR

ok assuming she is a girlfriend in this context because if she wasn't NONE of the things on this list would make any sense. then again these are my responses. doesn't necessarily have to apply to all girls.

1. Touch her waist.

Technically it doesn't matter to me whether or not you touch my waist. Not a matter of life and death.

2. Actually talk to her.

er. if you dont talk, why are you still in a relationship?!?!

3. Share secrets with her.

not to say its a matter of trust, but i think the line would've been better if it was "Never keep secrets from her". then again, some secrets are meant to be kept to yourself. like how often you fap thinking about her extremely hot bestfriend. XD

4. Give her your jacket.

Honestly. I do not like this rule that says boys are obliged to give their jackets to girls when they're cold. Even if its a gentlemanly thing to do. BITCH. If you are highly aware you're going to get cold in the cinema, bring your own fucking jacket. I dont think the guy who brought a jacket to the cinema brought it just for show.

5. Kiss her slowly.

dafuq is this?! how slowly would you wanna kiss?!?! i mean, just a quick peck wouldve been fine as well. =__=

6. Hug her.

Dude. she's your girlfriend. Y U NO HUG.

7. Hold her.

Isn't this the same as hugging?!

8. Laugh with her.

Again. Why would i ask you to laugh with me?!?! WHY?!?! Makes no fucking sense.

9. Invite her somewhere.

Why would ANYONE ask someone to ask themselves out?? lol. Askception.

10. Hangout with her and your friends together.

i dont find this of any relevance.

11. Smile with her.

Smile. Laugh. SAME SHIT. If you aint happy with her, why are you with her?!?!

12. Take pictures with her.

Trust me. Most girls will ask for this. =__= its called camwhoring.

13. Pull her onto your lap.

She's your girl. She'll sit on your lap whenever she wants. Unless she feels fat and that sitting on your lap might break your bones.

14. When she says she loves you more, deny it. Fight back.

anddddddd~ we all love each other more. can we move on now?

15. When her friends say “I love her more than you”, deny it. Fight back and hug her tight so she can’t get to her friends. It makes her feel loved.

NO FUCKING FRIEND IN THE WORLD WOULD SAY SUCH A THING. trust me. im batman.

16. Always hug her and say I love you whenever you see her.

Didn't i read this somewhere on my way here??

17. Kiss her unexpectedly.

how many fucking times do you wanna kiss her?!?!

18. Hug her from behind around the waist.

I actually like this. =)

19. Tell her she’s beautiful.

Why havent you?!?!

20. Tell her the way you feel about her.

isn't this how you proposed?? =___=

21. Open doors for her, walk her to her car - it makes her feel protected, plus it never hurts to act like a gentleman.

opening doors i can pass. but walking her to the car, very much agreeable.

22. Tell her she’s your everything - only if you mean it.

If you dont mean it. why are you with her?!?!

23. If it seems like there is something wrong, ask her - if she denies something being wrong, it means SHE DOESN’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT - so just hug her.

technically, she'd always deny it.

24. Make her feel loved.

repost.

25. Kiss her in front of OTHER girls you know!

really?? is this some show off contest now???

26. Don’t lie to her.
27. DON’T cheat on her.

Same shit no? There's a whole load of repetitive shit up in this list.

28. Take her ANYWHERE she wants.

Yeah. ANYWHERE. She wants to go to the moon. What the fuck are you going to do?!?!

29. Text message or call her in the morning and tell her have a good day at school, and how much you miss her.

good morning texts from the right guy are always nice. =)

30. Be there for her whenever she needs you, and even when she doesn’t need you, just be there so she’ll know that she can always count on you.

Why are you even her boyfriend if you wont be there for her...=__= seriously...

31. Hold her close when she’s cold so she can hold you too.

isn't this the same as the hugging thing??

32. When you are alone hold her close and kiss her.

yeah. and we all know what happens next. *coughs*

33. Kiss her on the cheek; (it will give her the hint that you want to kiss her).

yeah. ill kiss your cheek cuz im too lazy to make you look at me so that i can iss u directly and you'll magically know i want to kiss you. seems legit.

34. While in the movies, put your arm around her and then she will automatically put her head on your shoulder, then lean in and tilt her chin up and kiss her lightly

.
i dont see how this scene works. her head is on your shoulder. how the fuck do you lean in?!?!?! =___=

35. Don’t ever tell her to leave even jokingly or act like you’re mad. If she’s upset, comfort her.

if she cant take a joke, she sucks.

36. When people diss her, stand up for her.

technically if she's the one who started it, fight your own battles bitch.

37. Look deep into her eyes and tell her you love her.

ok. if you dont look at her and tell her you love her, then how do you tell her you love her??? =_____=

38. Lay down under the stars and put her head on your chest so she can listen to the steady beat of your heart, link your fingers together while you whisper to her as she rests her eyes and listens to you.

whisper what?!?!

39. When walking next to each other grab her hand.

you do know that grab means to grasp or seize suddenly and roughly...i think id get freaked out if the guy im dating grabs my hand. XD

40. When you hug her, hold her in your arms as long as possible.

Ya...ya... ok....lots of hugging and holding... moving on...

41. Call or text her at night to wish her sweet dreams.
42. Comfort her when she cries and wipe away her tears.

It is your duty as her boyfriend. No questions asked.

43. Take her for long walks at night.

Curfew.

44. Always remind her how much you love her.

Yeah. she has short term memory loss you see. Needs to be reminded like every 5 seconds.

45. Sit on top of her and tell her how much you love her and then bend down to her face and kiss her while you’re sitting on her.

DAFUQ DID I JUST READ.


_____________________________________________________

on the side note. rather relived i settled applications for NTU and LaSalle. =) I still have a couple more to go. still. progress is progress.
seriously. everytime i watch skate videos i do not feel motivated or rather im demotivated. i know. cant stand people being better than me. XD go figure.
oh well. continue practicing. will get there soon. andddd when i get there there'll be ppl who are wayyy better than me then as well. goddamnit.

BA BA BAAAA BABANANA~
BA BA BAAAA BABANANA~
POTATOOOOOOOOOOO~<3

Toddles,
Rach

** Two Hundred and Fifty Five **

If life was easy, where would all the adventures be?

I figured today when i opened my blog that it was a really good idea to put this on the side as my profile description. honestly life has never been easy. coming from a straight As' student to a C average student is something i got used to during my time at TARC. Not that i didnt put effort into my studies. rather reminiscing about the times i had in TARC. company i had there was great. but that period of 1.5years there was a big confidence let down.

As far as im concerned my current results for my A-Levels will not land me a scholarship. Not that i am not bothered to give it hope. there wasnt any hope to give anyway. i am highly aware there are people out there who would apply for the same scholarship and have straight A* for their A-Levels. I dont have a single A. if you might just be wondering. sometimes i worry that my grade wouldnt make the minimum grade requirement. and even with a strong portfolio they wouldnt take me in.

these few days preparing for applications and writing personal statements made me realize i have big dreams and my results might just put a stop to that. and i couldnt understand why. i am going into an art related course. not that im dumb beyond reasons. i am just...

And all this preparation got my slacking on my training. im like...god i suck. literally.

i feel like facedesking.

gotta gradually step my training up again. i've been through harder things in life.

I GOT THIS!!

** Two Hundred and Fifty Four **

I have officially run out of things to blog lately. I dont really plan on enlightening my fellow readers on the boring stuff i do everyday as i literally park myself on my bed in front of the laptop most of the time and well, that's about it.

So my sister is off to singapore on her 4years scholarship studying in MGS. All expense paid with an extra 200SGD for allowance. Noneotherless i am happy for her. she's off to a better start than i am.

And i'm stuck here. With people my parents know asking on and off. Wondering why am i still here. i wonder the same thing too. sometimes i wonder what i lack. why was it so hard for me to get myself a measly scholarship. and here i have people tell me im talented and shit (not boasting. not complaining). i guess talent gets you nowhere in life. but it's not like i lack brains (or maybe i do). i figured after so long studying, the only people that get scholarships are those that achieve way above average results. and technically i am not one of them. either my sister is one of them or the people in her batch are just plain dumb (lol).

My results are coming soon. and when that happens my parents would be bugging me even more about applications for universities again. somehow or rather its just my low self esteem, every time i apply for anything i feel as if i am not good enough. heck! i dont have enough self esteem to even write my own personal statement. i know right?! the same girl that people see walking head held high, not giving a damn what people say, has self esteem issues. go figure.

not to boast about myself being too skinny. but i used to be underweight but not exactly skinny like skins and bones kind. after the CNY shoot i had with Kaze and Takkun, i kinda realized. shit! this is scary. i look close to anorexic. so i figured i should ATTEMPT to gain some mass (according to kaze). i'm not those girls who pride on being super skinny. rather im those who couldnt care less. plus, i dont even know where and when i lost the mass i had!! or maybe skating makes you skinnier. EVERYBODY SKATE!!! =D

even as things have ended between us. i find myself wishing it didnt at some point in time. though things have cooled down between us. let me get this straight. we are close. very. i did not claim ownership of him anymore. he's free to mingle if he wishes i have no right to hold him down. what wrong is there to lean on him when im tired. he is still my bestfriend whether you guys like it or not. what wrong is there sitting next to him watching cartoons on his psp. we still care for one another. have fun 9GAGing together and talking bout 9GAG.

i wonder who made the rule that says, you have to be a couple before you can use a guy's shoulder.


sometimes i feel like an attention seek whore. LOLed.

And i checked my stats for my blog. heck!! i have readers on the other side of the globe!! *le proud* =3

toodles darlings,
Rach.