08 December 2012

** Two Hundred and Sixty One **

Have you ever found yourself secretly jealous for the dumbest reasons?

I have.

Over and over again.

Its not that big or valid of a reason to find yourself secretly hoping in your heart they'd lose a limb or something. And yet. There you are. Cursing them behind that smile.

Rather stupid when you think of it.

Maybe I did have a teensy tiny crush. Not that it meant anything. Or maybe it was just because we used to spend all the time in the world together. Or maybe I thought it meant nothing. And then find myself gleaming with jealousy. not sure if I should call it jealousy. It felt like it. Or maybe it just felt like I was being replaced by someone else. Like someone just came and decided to take my spot in the line. Felt like a stab right through. Then again, why did i expect things to be the same.

Yeah. I get jealous a lot actually.

Maybe I took it all the wrong way. I've been feeling replaced these past few days. Back when I used to complain about people having way too much hopes on me. Figures that that hope gave me the drive to better myself. So old hopes on me disappear. I feel so directionless now. Feels like everything I do is rather pointless.

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I dont know what happened. But it feels as if, I lost that need I used to have to skate. I used to have skating as my anti-drug. To make me feel better after a hell of a day. To give me self worth after all the beating I take. Somehow. It feels like its all gone. I dont know where it went or what happened. The urge is not there. The simple urge that drove me to improve myself. Not sure if it is a good thing. But I used to go all crazy ecstatic when i finally could land a trick. Even if i manage to land one now, I wouldnt even give myself a pat in the back. What's the point of congratulating myself for something so minuscule.

I feel really stagnant. And it's not because I'm injured half the time or what. I just dont know what is wrong with me. Maybe its not me. But it probably is. Somehow I feel like I'm going nowhere no matter how much I train. I dont know. There's this sense of hopelessness now. Like a void I do not know how to fill.

Then, I thought.

Maybe I should just quit.

2 complaints:

Anonymous said...
December 14, 2012 at 9:02 AM

Quit what?

Anonymous said...
March 10, 2013 at 2:27 AM

hello rachel, i just came across your blog and found it quite interesting in the ways you express yourself.
Keep it up =)