25 June 2011

** Two Hundred and Forty Eight **

i went for parent lecturer day today. not as bad as my last one. but all my lecturers said they see me trying and putting effort but i need to try harder.

ain't life always been that way.

here you are giving it your all and the people around you think you could do better and say you should try harder. i've learnt in life never to have any expectations when it comes to anything cuz i'd just end up disappointed by the outcome if it doesnt turn out the way i expected. disappointment isnt a nice feeling. you see, without an expectation i kinda learn to take things as they come to me. i figured things be easier and less of an emotional roller coaster ride that way.

i'll hand it to my lecturers for noticing my efforts. yes. i did try very hard last sem. after my last parent lecturer day, i do not need another rough ride with my dad. go figure.

how is it that at points in life you feel as if you've given everything you had and yet the people around expect so much more for you and you just find it in your little human nature to attempt to fulfill that bit of expectation of them in you. for whatever purpose of self satisfaction it may lead to, i know i do it. i know people tend to say they dont live to please others but sometimes it is the one thing that drives us.

and then at some point in life you find that one tiny speck of self satisfaction cuz instead of struggling to reach other's expectations of you, you're finally doing something for yourself and the results come with a sense of self satisfaction where you can proudly and genuinely give yourself a good pat in the back and congratulate yourself for all the sacrifices and time spent on it. doing things for yourself isnt a crime.

so what happens when you'd rather do the things you love and satisfy your expectations of yourself rather than fulfilling expectations of others which seem out of reach for your standards. obviously it is more fun doing things you love rather than forcing yourself to do the things you have to to fulfill the expectations of others.

so at some point in life, life seems like a game. where you start off pretty easy. leveling up really quickly. completing simple quests. and then it gets hard after you reach level20~ where leveling seems to take forever and the quests now seemed like boring chores. and then it get impossible after level40~ where leveling takes days or weeks or even months! and the quests are jus way too troublesome to complete you couldnt careless. but you need the experience reward from the completion of the quest. so at some point in the game you decide to put away that stubborn ego of yours and finish the goddamned quest cuz you're already bored of killing mobs everyday.

why is it that things with higher priorities are the most unfun things to do?!


a little public announcement : IM BACK SLALOMERS!!! <3 COME FIND ME!! =D

maybe its just me, but skating everyday, watching myself progress made me realized if i actually had the same determination i had for skating as i had for studying i'd do pretty well. without fail. under the scorching malaysian sun. everyday after class (if the weather allows me). i skate. regardless of whether i lose my fairness cuz i did care back then about keeping me skin fair. and now i have two diff skin tones. XD

dont get me wrong. i still am trying very hard on my a levels.

but i spent one year in a levels putting time and effort plus tears into satisfying what my Asian parents expect from me. typical if you have chinese parents. they expect us to get straight As or something. if not. you're one lucky bastard. not having to deal with the pressure.

i dont know. but my parents are very comparative. well everyone in my family is. so there's pressure to perform better or at par with the other. honestly, it used to matter to me. probably the face problem got to me as well. but right now, i pretty contented jus to manage an average C. i dont care how many As my cousins got. i did my best. and even if its not good enough for my parents i know i did my best.

or maybe im being too easy on myself.

i know how the people around see more potential in you than you see in yourself. honestly when i look in the mirror i see a regular kid. nothing special. and there i have people wondering what i dont do cuz i cosplay, play the electone, dance, skate, draw, does taekwondo, write and has an incredibly random mind. LOL. self flattery much?!

A jack of all trades is a master of none.


on the side note. i discovered last week thursday i could put my feet to a reversed eagle without much effort. seems its something hard to do. LOL. i just did it to join the party. XD

go figure.

and i had THREE SECONDS OF JOY today when i held my reversed eagle and it went straight instead of the failed circle...

if only i could channel all that determination into my studies. LOL.


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