18 March 2009

** Hundred and Seventeen **

you all wanted to read right?!?! here's my commonwealth essay i never handed in.

The match

It burns and gives light, heat, warmth, joy. Slowly it skulks, nearer and nearer. And when it’s time to let go, you’ve gone profoundly attached to it; it stings, burns, and hurts. At that moment, regret feeds on your very soul. Wishing you’d let go earlier when it’d hurt less? But now it’s too late. The ecstasy it gave is gone, faded into ash. Nevertheless, you’re still here.
I blow out the candles tonight and scale up those long winding flights of stairs; resilient. This is not the beginning of an end, but the end of a beginning. For my master, I waited outside for him to brace himself for what he’d be coming up against today. I know not of what his plans are but I have to be there. I must. Those carefully detailed doors coated with dashes of gold and silver faintly opened as my master slink out. Quietly I followed behind him; there isn’t room for conversations.
My master clears his throat. "It’s raining." His voice seems to drift into the droplets of rain against the glass. I keep unvoiced; afraid to articulate. My eyes go nowhere but my sweaty palms are now clutched into a fist on my lap, nervously gripping parts of my pants. "Hey, are you alright?" Maybe he’d notice how jumpy I am. Something I have always failed to hide, my emotions. I’m an open book. And even with the chilly winds that come with the rain, I felt temperate when his palm faintly touched my anxious hands. "Hey, are you alright?" He looked out at the downpour. "If you’re not feeling so good you don’t have to come, you know?"
I’d wonder where my voice went, or how I couldn’t move, but that’s all too adapted already. "HEY!!!" He shook me by my shoulders; I floated along with it motionlessly. He gave up, slouched back into his seat and crossed his arms, gazing through the pane. When I finally found my voice, it was time to go. Bullfights. I never liked going to these events; I hated them. A pointless match between man and beast to prove who’s mightier. I trailed after my master through the crowds of people, feeling very lost. I watched him wave to one of the other matadors and is returned with one. I stand by him as they talk of the rain effecting today’s big occasion. "It’s your day today man." One of them gave him a pat on the back. Somehow standing here looking at my feet and the mud, if my master wasn’t scared, I am. He let out a laugh confidently. "I can do it. Rain or shine." He boasted.
I stood by him as he prepared himself. "Cheer for me, okay?" I hid my fear for him pretty well this time, and nodded excitedly. He’s like a child waiting for his first ice cream. I sat by the bench waiting for my words to come out. People get hurt doing this or even die, so, what if. "Um..." I made a sound; better than nothing. He stood in front of me, placed his hand on my head and ruffled my hair. "I know you’re worried. Don’t worry." I felt his lips touch my forehead, softly and tenderly. "I’ll come back through those gates alive." My eyes moved to meet his, I’m on autopilot. He flashed a broken smile. "Promise."

I am alone, listening to the crowd roar and moan. I heed puddles spatter and other sounds I was foreign to. I’m beginning to breakdown. My hands are sweaty and I’m grabbing my pants as if my life depended on it. The people yelled and the hooves beat against the water. I’m tingling inside that something bad is going to occur, something’s going to go wrong. I hated this feeling and pulled myself to the iron bars and observed.
I held my mouth from screaming. He was in there with the enraged bull, evading it by mere inches. He fell to the ground and what happened after that, I couldn’t find myself to put in words.

Sunlight pierced through the windows marks daylight. Carefully I opened those doors and tiptoed into the room. I peered from the edge of his bed where he lay peacefully. It’s been days he’d been resting there; I wish he’d open his eyes. The doorbells rang. I hurried up but somehow I just wanted one more glance of him, my fingers lingered on his face. "Why can’t I find the words when-" I froze; startled, his hand held mine to his face and there was that broken smile I longed for. "Um..." Why is it that that’s the only thing I could say? Hastily I pulled my hand away when one of the matadors entered. "You barely made it out alive. How are you feeling?"

The candles are lit again tonight. One by one I watch them burn and turn to wax. One should feel warmth with these scented candles and dancing flames, but all I sense is the bitterness inside. Something within me is crying out but I’ve always put my tears in hiding. I light another match and start again with those on the other side of the room. Finished with the last one, I saw him sitting by the steps of those long winding stairs; smiling. "You do know that nobody’s going to be down here." He pointed that out as he got up and put out the match before it burnt my fingers.
"I am down here." Faintly for once I heard my voice. He examined the room, paced around every corner. "So, this is where you go when you’re not with me." Silently I nodded. He smelled the scented air and approached me. "You should be resting." I have miraculously found my voice, I was no longer stuttering. My master laughed and placed his arm over my shoulder. He whispers, "You’ve been by my bedside every day since that incident."
Hearing that, I felt my cheeks burn. Being as I am, I know where I stand and though I could only dream of standing here right now like this, I know I have to do it. I lifted his arm from my shoulders and took a step away from me. I held his wrist for five more seconds before I had to let go. He stood in front of me, trying to peer through the forest of hair that hid my face. "You sat there. Slept by my side and even pulled my covers. " He said with a lot of gratitude in his voice. I blindly nodded as I had nothing else to say. I felt his hand under my chin, lifting my face. I am afraid to look at him. Every time I do my heart skips a beat and my mind tells me it is all wrong. "There they are." He smiled, gazing into my eyes. "Those captivating pair of glistering eyes I haven’t seen in a while." I know I shouldn’t resist because right now it seems like a dream come true, but I have to. I pulled his hand away from below my chin. "Master." Regrettably I spoke. His finger rested on my lips before I could continue; he shushed me. "I’m not your master. You are not my servant. "Our voices seem to grow fainter as we speak.

My heart felt as if it was about to pop right out of my chest any moment. I could feel it thumping inside. My mind keeps telling me that this is all wrong. His hands on my waist, tenderly he pulled me closer. "I made my own destiny and matched me with you." His topaz eyes danced with the flames from the candles. I couldn’t breathe anymore. I looked away, trying to evade anymore awkward feelings I already have. "Look at me." He quietly begged. "Please?" Somehow I had a chill run down my spine, like the room had suddenly grow cold and everything stood still. Indecisively I looked at him, his face more perfect than I remembered, as if it was carved by the gods. And those gorgeous locks of auburn hair. Before I could find my mind to defy him, his luscious lips were pressed against mine. His firm hands held my faded face as I stood there not knowing how to react. I no longer felt lost. "I love you."

There were silent footsteps but we didn’t hear. We were no longer on earth. "What in the-!" The shadow of a man exclaimed at the stairway. He pulled me closer as if I was the one forcing it in and I couldn’t struggle. I tried to pull away, I no longer knew what was happening but this was all going wrong. I wanted to scream, I knew where I stand and my mind is telling me, "I told you so." Then, I just found myself lying on the wooden floor. I feel cold. I held that wet spot on my shirt, soaked with the metallic scent of my blood. I did hear the trigger click and felt the bullet pierce through my chest. But the pain never came until he walked away with the pistol in his hand.

The candles burnt out tonight. The wax dripped down the corners to the floor boards below. A half opened match box laid on the table, inside leaves one lone match stick. But it no longer serves its purpose as the flames has lingered and slowly unknowingly disintegrates; hiding behind the tenderness and bliss. How can something that bring so much joy bring so much pain?


it's funny how life turns out. how somedays you feel like you're on top of the world. and some just feels like you're six feet under and no one can hear you. but what else can you possibly do when life turns around and bites you?! embrace with a smile and keep going on for there are things that'll make things worth while again. it's just a matter of when and where.

i pose a question to the girls circling the primary school hall during taekwondo practises on tuesdays. what do you intend to achieve doing such pointless acts?! yeah. yeah. i know what your intentions are but seriously...how desperate are you people. oh wait. scratch that. YOU PEOPLE ARE DESPERATE. have some dignity in yourself will you. maybe you dont realize it but because of the few byotches and desperados in St. Mary, all of us are labled like that. get a life girls and go out more often.

Ramya came over today.had to do the script for the drama competition. need i state?! obviously we crapped up one awesome script. but in that process i think i screamed and shouted on the phone too much. sore throat. shesh. anyway...we got it done...actually the initial plan was to end with some one getting killed. Pn. Judy asked for a twist. and when we gave her the idea, she said it's supposed to end morally. so go figure...no one's getting killed. and i thought we could do some awesome fight scene...xD that'll get us to win for sure...

i'm feeding the mosquitoes sitting here. but i'm back to being addicted to Love Story...somehow the fact that i'm practically suffocating everytime i sing it is very entertaining...cuz i'd try to make it anyway den i end up gasping for breath...hahahaha...

wow...it seems i'm happy today...

well i was happy yesterday too...

for once taekwondo was a whee bit laid back than it usually is. well i do screw up my pattern as usual cuz i cant remember all of it. my brain doesn't have that much memory space. but Andrianna's always there to save me...^^ i solute you andri!!! then we started goofing off and learning at the same time, me, leava and andri. we we're teaching the other two pooms koryo...yeah obviously they like that pattern. so did i when i first learnt it. it was like..."COOOLLL!!! I GET TO CHOKE AIR!!!" well then Benjamin [canadian sir] came aksing whether we were practising or goofing off. crap la crap...typical st marians right..pro crappers. obviously we said we were doing both at the same time.

nobody accuse me of liking Benjamin. i'll stranggle you.

andri and i were doing sparring. aiya...one step nia...like one stupid liddat. hahaha poor andri had to drop down and do five for not shouting. well all of them did. you know i find disturbing...people laughing around me and i dont know what they're laughing at or for. yeah. i'm a bit KPC. i oso want to laugh what...
so Benjamin sir came chuckling behind me and andri, well andri was facing him...and i ask "what"...he shake his head and walk away!. COME BACK HERE AND TELL ME WHATCHU LAUGHING AT!!!!!!!!!! i tak boleh tahan....ishhh..



honestly, i can't remember the last time we said "SEMANGAT" as a class. i can't remeber us doing "FEELING" or calling each other "KUNDEJEMS". we are still a class but i seem to feel as if our semangat we had last year has slowly faded into homework, school and the hype of SPM. we no longer go crazy like we always do on a daily basis. maybe that's cuz our coconut tree outside the window is no longer there.
i miss the days we'd get too noisy for anyone to control. and the days someone will just say something stupid to get everyone laughing til we can no longer laugh anymore. til our stomachs hurt. maybe some of you migght say we're still as close as we are when we were choral speaking. but somehow we're slowly, quietly drifting apart like some pathogen is here to break up our ionic bonds. some of us at least.
what happened to the days we'd impersonate russell peters. what happened to the days we'd worship the M&M box. WHat happened to the times we'd plan to "korbankan" Umi. what happened to the days everyone was...together...[well besides the fact that miss ng ehem ehem ehem]

you know what i want.

i want to take out our kitkat bars again. stand from the crowd and create history once more.

aiya...banyak merepek la budak ni.
ape sal...
sebab bukannya hari-hari i blog pun.
hanya ketika i free sahaja yang dapatlah peluang EMAS ni untuk blog bagi para pembaca aku merendamkan dirinye dalam kehidupan aku yang huru-hara ini.
jangan la marah i blog panjang-panjang.
tulis banyak banyak.
baca pun sakit mata...leher cam nak patah...
janganlah baca semua dlm satu hari...
sikit sikit baca la...
tak leh tahan tidur pastu baca balik...

dah...dah...mula merepek lagi...
macam kerepek...xD

peace out!!! xD

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