** Two Hundred and Seventy Four **

It's been months. I've graduated. Done some part time work. Now back home on a 6months contract. 

Pretty happy with my job so far. Being a concept artist is pretty fun I must say. Even if I'd work on my own time on a lot of things, I'd say work is enjoyable for now. It's only been the first week. So we'll see where that goes.

Excited for a project once more. Instead of dragging myself through a project because I need to graduate. It feels nice as an artist. Looking forward to greater learning experiences.

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Yanked out my wisdom tooth couple days back and have been hurting for a few days straight now. I have one more to surgically remove after I have healed and then I would have removed all four of my wisdom teeth. 

I'm too wise for my own good. 

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It's been hard. I've been scared. And the fact that I don't know anything sucks. I just know he's busy and I shouldn't bother him. I'd sit here n wait for whenever. And often times whenever never comes. 

It makes me feel so...unappreciated.

I'd often times be there to respond to messages because I made a point to do so. And maybe have put a certain someone way too high on the priority list than he deserves cuz obviously he doesn't do the same for me. 

It makes a difference how preoccupied he is with his other social groups than he is with me. How he would wake up knowing I've been wanting to talk to him but not text me the remaining of the entire day. Everything else is more important.

I just...don't feel like...I'm of any importance in his life anymore. Like I'm just trying to squeeze myself back in when obviously he doesn't want that anymore. 

And he just constantly give me excuses after excuses of why I have to be considerate of how he's feelings but he doesn't have to bat an eye about mine. Like as if I don't have any. Or I am expected to just keep them to myself.

** Two Hundred and Seventy Three **

Three years. My journey in LASALLE as a growing artist is finally coming to an end and I must say I have definitely grown as an artist and as an individual during my studies there. I spent three years in that place and that is all I can say. Legit. I am glad I am graduating. There is not greater bliss. I've struggled and pulled myself back up through break down after break down and honestly have never seen myself push myself so hard.

The sad part was I felt my passion die. I felt it fade. Like I was sick of doing it after these three years. I was that enthusiastic excited young animator that loved the projects I was handed and went all out to do it as I wanted. I am graduating as a matured artist built to please mostly others.

I gotta take a break from the routine I guess.

I've been through shit where people aren't nice and people are not as forgiving as they proclaim they are. But I guess I dont really wanna keep people like that in my life anyway. The last year was a pain for me, not because of the stress but because I have never felt so alienated in my life. Yes. I prolly had a bit of problems fitting in back in school which I never understood. I was always that awkward kid that tries really hard to be a part of a group but they never really honestly took me as part of them. Like this sense of belonging that I was never meant to have, ever, in my life.

But I'm graduating. I'll never see these people again. Maybe parting wouldn't be so hard then.

People come and go.
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I make a point to bring this up that in my three years here I have matured a hell lot. I have grown so much I cannot handle it. The vast majority question my taste in men. The vast majority question my decisions and why am I still in this dysfunctional relationship.

I wouldn't call it dysfunctional.

A lot of good things take time. I honestly think we are growing together. I know I grew.

After that little incident, I cant bring myself to step fully back into the relationship. I dont find the stability I need in a relationship with him gong about partying with his party pals. Even if I'd rather not conform to the stereotypes of "people who club are trouble" idea. Thats what it rubs off on everyone else and everyone is waiting for him to someday fuck it all up. Honestly I am in no position to stop him from doing what he likes. Even if at this moment in time he makes it look like he has to get my permission for everything or every outing he wants to go to.

I'd love to say no. Then it makes me look like a kill joy. Like as if I'm some controlling girlfriend.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but why would you go call another girl "pretty" when you're in a relationship? Call it jealousy or paranoia but I dont think any guy in a relationship should be throwing out compliments to other girls under the jurisdiction of "being nice". No shit you're being nice. You're feeding her bloody ego. And you dont even call your girlfriend pretty unless she dresses up for a random day when she feels like it. Not that I'm one to need to be showered with compliments. But seriously. "Being nice" is not a legit reason.

I believe he is still a kid and has a lot to learn. Yeah. He claims he has matured and know more about life than I probably have. But his actions would say otherwise. It is not a case of me trying to mold and change him in hopes that he eventually becomes my ideal guy. Thats not gonna happen. It just saddens me that the people closest to him that should have the most believe in him dont give two cents about him anymore.

I wouldn't say that I have not been emotionally scarred going through this relationship. I've been to hell and back and still standing.

It hurts not just emotionally but it takes away bits and piece of confidence you thought you had and self value and respect. It hurts til today to know you can merrily throw out  sexual innuendos with slut face and challenges to her like as if you weren't in a relationship with me at all. It hurts to know you answered the question of whether you found me pretty with a "nahhh~ she's just cute"

"Just cute?!?!"

Am I honestly that plain of a person that you have nothing better to describe the "love of your life" than "just cute" ???

Because your level of pretty is plastic and blogfaced.

Here they say you cannot fix the broken. And he has bunch of friends that are proud of being broken.

Excuse you. But I wouldn't be proud of a broken light bulb in my house. Neither should you.

A lot of things are different now. The way I see this relationship is different. I dont know where exactly this would go. By the looks of things it may be for the long run or it may not but he's definitely not there yet if he plans on marrying me.

If my future husband is even half the man of what my father is I'd be content enough.

Dating younger guys is definitely a whole new meaning of babysitting.

Sorry. Not pretty. Just cute.

I can honestly say I am not fully on board this ship yet. I am still scared. Scared that someday he'll throw me out again. Make me feel unwanted and make me feel completely worthless about myself. Scared that someday he might decide that he has had enough and decide to break it off just because I had a bad day and took it out on him.

Some days I think I should date a sponge.

Then he tell me he thinks I'm more compatible with one of his friends. I don't know if your friends have bro codes but I do and you don't date your friend's ex. Its just weird and wrong on so many levels. But in all honesty I feel like I don't really know if the relationship is worth the long run.

I'm hoping it is and praying it doesn't slap me in the face.
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I went through a surge of anger this morning. Not because a random stranger fucked up my day. I can't stand it how two faced some people can be in life. I get bothered by it. I shouldn't have given a fuck about dressing up for halloween if they were gonna just be bitches about it and do such things. Like dont freaking pretend like you actually am ok with hanging out with me after that incident and happily take photos as the three of us and them cover up my face like you didn't want me in the picture but you felt the obligation to do so because you wanted to be nice.

Excuse you.

I would've taken your request to not have me in the picture. I didn't force myself into the picture. You wanted to take the three of us and then have the audacity to cover up my face.

One of the better decisions I've made in the past year was not wanting to belong anywhere.

And definitely not wanting to be part of your parade.

Someday. Some where. I am a unicorn rare shiny pokemon to someone. N he'll love me for life when he chooses me. It just doesn't feel that way at the moment.

Maybe its just me.
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It was nice today to be one of the guys. Or at least hang out with them.

Then I realized. A vast majority of people that honestly cared are guys, not because they wanna get in my pants, but they honestly care and often times made sure I was safe. I never really realize how nicely I have surrounded myself with lil knights in tin foils that provide me daily bits and pieces of happiness that will suffice for the day.

Then I also realized. My girl friends never cared. They never bothered.

Which brings me to my point. I feel extremely sad about it. Not because girls dont give a shit about me. Or the girls that were close to me never really gave a shit about me anyway. I have always wanted a girl bestfriend. A friend I would keep forever and have this amazing unbreakable bond that no matter how far we were we'd still be the bestest of friends and no one could challenge that.

Dreams will be dreams.

I find myself more bonded with boys than girls. Maybe because I have grown tired of all the back stabbing and cat fighting girls do. I'm tired of how comparative they are and how shitty I would feel being the ugly duckling in the lot. I've grown sick of conversations that don't strike my interests or anything I honestly care about because I don't care about trends or make up or girl stuff. I have honestly given up on trying to fit in and have proper girl conversation when somedays I wanna just discuss fetishes and porn with some people and every fucking girl just denies the fuck out of watching porn. Like its a taboo. Stop pretending you slut faces. You've all read fifty shades of grey. Don't fucking tell me porn is disgusting and fetishes are weird. Some days I just wanna talk bout weird stuff like cars and games and girls stare at me like they dont fucking know what I'm talking about because its not stuff that they are interested in.

So here's me. Happy with all the boys that have pulled through and survived days and days of mental and physical torture with me. Happy with all the boys that have kept me safe, took me as a bro and still did the gentlemanly thing when the time requires it to be such. Happy with all the boys open enough to talk about porn, sex and fetishes like it wasn't taboo but just another topic of discussion. Happy for all the boys that had my bad and understood my hate of being a girl and its monthly issues and came to my aid without a second thought or a cringe. Happy with all the boys that understand that I dont mind being treated like one of the guys, that I can be conversed with like a bro and be your wing man if needed. Happy with all the silly stuff you guys actually do among yourselves with or without me.

Happy for all the boys that walks me home/drives me to my door step.

Happy for all the boys that were caring enough to be a shoulder I could lean on with school was shit and I was going through many breakdowns.

Happy for all the boys that took me as a bro.

Who the fuck needs girl friends. Lol. I have Knights in tin foil.

** Two Hundred and Seventy Two **

One month into 2015 and I'm already dreading the rest of the year if its gonna keep spiraling for the worst. I have been emotionally unstable. I have psychologically toss, twisted and shredded into pieces. I am a ticking time bomb.

I probably have myself to blame. I have the entire world calling me stupid now for the choices I have decided to make but I honestly believe I made the right choice.

I came back to Singapore in January to continue my final semester and who knew things would spiral out of control so quickly. For the past year, I was honestly not aware of how selfish and insensitive I was to my significant other. I honestly thought everything was going okay, even if he said he dropped me hints. So, I came back ti Singapore greeted with the news of another girl. No. He didn't really cheat I guess. I wouldn't call it that. He told me he had lost all feelings for me and had developed feelings for this other girl. Hit me like a truck. Though then it honestly felt like I was at fault for how badly our relationship fell. I understood we were both at faults.

He told me, " you're too good for me"

I couldn't understand the logic. If you have someone too good for you why would you let that person go. It was a weird excuse which I figured was a easier way to settle things with a closure than without one. So I was tosses back and forth for a bit. We got back together thinking we could still fix this. I honestly believe we could. I honestly did.

But I was never the same.

I became very scared. Scared of a lot of things. And suddenly everything that he never told me, he told me. Not that I cannot take criticism, rejection and hate. But when they all come crashing in on you like consecutive pistol shots right through you, it becomes a painful ordeal. I'm okay with being strong. But I honestly started to crumble because I was scared of losing him again. For whatever wrong that I did and didn know I even did. I was insecure and constantly think some girl thats giving him the attention might take him away someday when I turn my back. I didn't know what to do. But I know I was crumbling.

I have never cried so much in such a short period of time.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm actually making the same mistake as I did the last time. Making someone stay when they obviously don't want me anymore. Then they'll slowly and gradually edge away from me. I wouldn't even know what happened cuz in the back of my mind I was trying to make it work. Maybe he is trying, I honestly just need someone to hug me and tell me everything will be okay cuz I dont know where to get that reassurance.

I have never practiced a tit for tat sorta thing. But some people do I guess.

There are a lot of things I don't do. Honestly, in the past month I've been doing. It honestly hurts that of all the wrongs I've done he can't find a single right things I've done. Its heartbreaking. I'm starting to feel like a doormat. I've actually apologized instantaneously at situations and calmed down faster than I thought I could ever before fights got worst. I have never given in to someone so much.

But I guess it wasn't good enough.

Another thing I have never done in front of a person was admit I'm scared. I have never honestly shown vulnerability cuz I've never liked it. But I honestly needed to get this off my chest cuz it was bothering me and keeping it bottled up inside is not doing me any good. I honestly thought he had the right to know how the situation made me feel. Maybe I should not have said some things that I sorta of blurted out without thinking. And I apologized for that. But I will not ask for an apology if he's not going to give one. he should know he wronged me. I opened up and it took a lot of me to open to and honestly tell someone I am honestly scared of losing them. That every text from another girl makes me scared. That every waking moment I wonder how long your feelings for me would last this time before they fade again.

I was so scared.

"Fine. Stop trying then."

He stomped off. He left me on the streets after opening up to him of how scared I was of losing him. H stormed off and I just stood there crying. Hoping he'd actually look back. Told myself if he doesn't I'll just find my way back and cry myself to sleep. He didn't look back. I literally told him how scared I was of losing him and it felt like I was hopelessly watching him walk away from me just because I told him that.

He told me he was looking for a bus stop.  He told me he didn't know I wouldn't follow.

I guess its better to keep things bottled up then.

Honestly I think I deserved an apology. Not because I apologized for the shitty things I shouldn't have brought up. But because he just left me to cry on the street.

"Doesn't feel good does it?"

I repeated myself three times before he caught on that he left me there in tears. But hey.

His feelings were the one that faded not mine. How is it that I feel like I'm being punished for loving someone unconditionally and dealing with the good and the bad. Now people are calling me stupid for trying so hard to a point I'm literally going to be emotionally broken. People are telling me he's no longer worth my time. People are telling me he doesn't make me happy anymore when I'm obviously in all honestly in so much pain.

I honestly don't know if it is all worth.

I honestly don't know what I'm doing anymore.

I don't know who I am dating anymore. I can be a stubborn person that never backs down from a fight. But I am honestly proud of myself, even if he doesn't see that I've been backing down from fights. Its not fair that I deal with all his shenanigans and he can tell me he doesn't wanna deal with me attitude. I'm sorry but we all have good and bad days. I'm only human.

People are calling me stupid.

I'm not stupid.

I know I'm not.

Rach.