** Two Hundred Sixty Eight **

My friend pointed out how my blog screams of my ocd of how I without fail numbered all my posts. XD

I have so many people asking me why I'm still here. And why I decided to stay. I mean. Its so easy to just walk away and start a new chapter of my life without someone. We lose people everyday and our generation is frankly very immune to it. I dont know why I stayed. I dont know why I still put myself through this.

People look at me with judgemental eyes every time they ask me if I'm still with my boyfriend or not and I tell them yes. Like why the fuck is this girl still hanging on to this.

I honestly think. Nobody is perfect and no relationship is going to end up perfect either. And there will be days where you get pissed beyond all measures just because you're tired and your other half makes a wrong choice or says something you didn't want to hear and you end the day even worst than before just because. No. I do not think your other half has any responsibility of being your happy pill. Heck everyone has their bad days and honestly if they both coincides its like fighting fire with fire. Its gonna just get ugly.

Then you both cool down and make up after that. Thats all that counts.

Then you find days where you're just sitting there wondering where did all the good "lovey" days went. Yeah. The "honey-moon" period doesn't last forever. So meeting up becomes slightly stale and its normal to just be together catch a movie and have dinner go home. Normal. Nothing wrong with that. Don't need a fancy date every time we're together. Once in a while it'd be nice to be reminded of why you fell in the first place with all the little nuances that make it all better.

Maybe its just me being me but I'm not the kind of girl that needs to see my boyfriend everyday. Please. Enough with the insecurities of "oh i must see you everyday!!". It's a good thing to have a life outside the relationship. Things I like to do alone or with my friends. Not everything should revolve around the significant other. I mean, you're together and all but being together all the time gets really clingy after a while. Like someone else is taking up my oxygen space. Can you like go to the other corner and breath the oxygen there. lulz XD

Then you finally get to see each other after weeks of hectic-ness in one another's life. Having to finally have time to chill and be together. Absence does make the heart grow fonder. Or maybe it was just great to take a break after the hectic race for submissions. It was nice to take my mind off things and just be with someone.

On the side note. Captain America is a waste of money to go to the cinema for. I officially award it the slowest superhero movie award. I know I'm a bit ADD(short attention span) but seriously. The movie was torturous and slow. I spent the movie making fun of the characters in there with my boyfriend. Relating them to League champions.

I swear. Capt. America. Most boring super hero ever.

Those that love him for his looks. You guys suck. His looks aint gonna save u.

I mean it was a pretty routinal hang out session. Lunch. Movie. Toy store. Dinner. Home. Yes. That silly visit to the toy store because we are useless teens that have nothing better to do with our lives than to loiter and fiddle with the random toys in the store. I wished I had nerf guns when I was a kid. Seriously. Still envious of the kids today that had it.

Honestly on a side note. I don't really want to go for any 21st birthdays.

It just makes me all sad inside. Its like asking an orphan to go for a parents day celebration.

It feels like that. Like. Look at the stuff you'll never have because you cannot change the past and what has been done is done.

Urgh. My head hurts.

Toddles
Rach

** Two Hundred and Sixty Seven **

Honestly, I shouldn't even be blogging right now. But I just have to get things off my chest.

I honestly feel like I've been a horrible person. Picking on things I shouldn't even pick on. Like, what's an hours journey back if I get to see someone after a week. I don't know. I've probably been really unreasonable these past few weeks being pissed at every silly little thing. And it just piles up as the day goes.

I'd get pissed in the morning cuz I forgot my wallet and had to walk back up to get it. And get even more pissed cuz I missed that bus and had to wait longer for the next. Then get even more pissed when it rains cuz I decided not to bring my umbrella. You get the picture. 

But it's this mental emotional instability that I sink into when I'm under pressure and I need things to go my way but they just don't and it pisses me off even more and it just sends me on this the fest of being pissed with the world for the day. And every little screw up just brings me to being even closer to exploding. That's how I've been and I cannot explain why. It's just an emotional response to stress or whatever.

So I've been a horrible person lashing out at people that don't deserve it. Some people absorb better and I just prefer to go to them cuz they don't fight fire with fire. It's not the first time I'm on my rage fest. I know how shit gets real bad if I talk to the wrong people at this state of mental self. So don't get me wrong when I say u never could help. It's just we'd both get mad at each other cuz I'm already hostile to begin with when I'm pissed and ur gonna get hostile cuz u think I'm treating u like shit. Then we just fight and yeah. There.

It's fine that you don't wanna step down and just take the lashing and be my punching bag. I get it. Nobody likes it. So yeah. It's fine that you don't wanna be. I'm not shooting a bullet in ur head saying u never helped. I'm one to be truthful even if it hurts. And honestly it not a bad thing. At least u know how to duck and take cover when I'm pissed. Cuz If ur not planning on becoming a good sponge and absorb this anger. Don't approach. Don't try. I know you'd love to be there for me. I know you do. But I don't think you'd like to.

How the duck do I split my work and us? I'd love to be able to switch emotional states in a flick of a switch but I can't. If I'm pissed I stay pissed. Either someone cools me off and I'll be pissed until the day resets itself. Call me two faced but that's how it is. I'm not being spoilt or demanding bout having things my way. It's just there are days when I'm pissed beyond all reason and just don't wanna be bothered and I've shouted at people back then that I wish I didn't. I'm not throwing a childish tantrum just because. I'm just emotionally unstable under pressure. 

Am I such a liability to u that u have to dig out of ur savings for a movie with me? Honestly, why would u even bring that up? It's like telling me "do u know how much money I'm spending on u? U do not have the right to treat me like shit" u don't see me telling u I have to dig out from my savings. U don't see me complaining bout having to buy u meals at times or pay for ur tickets at times. I just do it.

I just needed to vent out my anger somewhere and if ur not going to absorb it and just get pissed at it and make things even worst just leave me be. 

Honestly, take cover and wait for the storm to pass.

Rach.