** Hundred and Fifty Five **

this page has been open for almost 3hours.

empty.

that's how everything feels.

Day1: Party Poopper

i did ask myself why wasnt i as happy as everyone else when i finally finished my Chemistry paper3. SPM is over. but i wasnt celebrating. i forced out a scream of pretend joy. just so that no one knows. cuz if they ask. i wouldnt know what to answer them.

everyone was happy. i pretended.

i got into the black MyVi and my mum drove me home. for some reason i wasnt smiling like all the other SPMers that finally finished. then i got home. went up stairs and changed. my mum walked in.

i spent the next few hours crying. i took my shower and went for dinner.

i waited. until dinner was over. before i started crying again.

i called him. praying he wouldnt answer. so i wouldnt need to do it. then his voice rang on the other line. but when i opened my mouth to speak. nothing came out. nothing was okay. i didnt want to do this. i cried. again.

i tried to draw after that. maybe put off some emotion. i couldnt even start. i didnt even bother. so i put myself to sleep. i cried again.

Day2 : Struggling Smile

i woke up at 3 am. i remember. i checked my phone. i cried for another 2 hours before i finally went back to sleep.

i got up at 8. brushed my teeth. got dressed and went with Ramya to Midvalley. hoping it'd be a better day.

thank god LoveHappens was a bum show. the cinema was cold. i told myself i wouldnt cry today. told myself i'd be strong and hold on to what left of me.

we went to Kenny Rodger's for lunch. i didnt feel like eating. though i was hungry. Ramya made me eat anyway. though i couldnt stomach anything. i felt like crap. i broke down again. teared a bit there. then Theeviyah cried. cuz i cried. cuz she's never seen me like this.

they celebrated Ramya Marie and My birthday.

it was fun. a day out with my friends. i laughed and smiled when i thought i couldnt. but it hurt when i walked through MidValley. i almost broke down again. cuz Ramya and I were sitting. resting. and in front of us they were feeding each other yogurt.

Ramya was busy claiming the guys were checking me out. they're just looking at my camera okay.

so i went home. pretty contented with the day.

then mum came. asked for his number and full name. and ordered to see my call log and inbox. fine i showed her. i was reluctant. i told her a thousand times. HE WILL NOT DO ANYTHING ELSE TO ME ANYMORE!!!! and yet the both of them kept coming back. putting more salt to the wound.

i didnt give her his full name. not that i wanted to.

and i thought i wouldnt need to cry that day.

i cried in the shower.

then i was painting my nails. my dad walked in. my mum probably went and told my dad i didnt let her check my phone. so he took my phone and started going through my inbox and my call log.

LOOK. YOU GUYS TOLD ME NOT TO CONTACT HIM ANYMORE AND THAT WHAT I DID OKAY!!! WOULD YOU GUYS JUST GET OFF MY BACK FOR ONCE. I'M TRYING TO PUT THIS BEHIND ME. I'M TRYING TO HEAL THE PAIN. AND NOT OF YOU ARE HELPING. WHAT?! YOU PEOPLE THINK I'M HAPPY I HAD TO DO SUCH A THING?! BECAUSE YOU ARE MY PARENTS AND I HAD TO OBLIGE. BECAUSE YOU THREATEN TO TAKE AWAY MY PHONE. BECAUSE I AM YOUR DAUGTHER. FINE YOU'RE PROTECTING ME. I GET IT. DONT NEED TO KEEP REPEATING IT. FINE YOU ALL CARE AND LOVE ME. FINE. I GET IT. DONT NEED TO KEEP PUSHING IT.

i cried again that night.

Day3: Smiling Outside No Longer Helps

i woke up today. my nails had a whole bunch of air bubbles in it. so i had to redo them.

then i sat here. typing out this blog post. i cried.

i know crying doesnt bring back anything. but crying helps.

i guess i need to find that mask i put away again.

i cannot do this anymore.

everything hurts.

and honestly. i am not okay.