** Two Hundred and Sixty Five **

I dont really understand some things...

Its been a rollercoaster ride and I feel like the bolts and screws are coming apart. Maybe its true somehow that I have unhealthy attachments. I mean, it should be as simple as, if you're not happy leave, if you're happy stay. Its so simple.

Honestly, I lacked confidence in many ways. More so of how I look. Obviously not the prettiest girl on earth. Neither photogenic nor video-genic. I always wanted to be those girls that people take second glances at when you walk down the street. I wanted to be those girls that get picked up by guys. Because for some reason, I liked the adoration they gave. Then again, it never happened. So, go figure.

It was so retarded back then when I obsessed so much about this one guy and was so heart broken by a relationship that didn even last a day. Yeah. Thats how much I thought I liked him. Then it just cooled down and I gradually moved on. Figured he wasnt worth anymore of my time. Now when I look back at it, he wasnt all that great. But I'd stay up just to talk to him. Waiting for him to come online. Would've gone back in time now and told myself forget it.

Then one break up after another.

Soon. I kinda got really tired. Tired of "i love you" that obviously didnt mean shit. Tired of all the lame cheesy promises that only go as far as internet pixels. So tired of trying to hold on. So tired of waiting. So tired of taking chances.

Honestly, right now, where i'm standing, the ice is so thin. I don't want to jump ship and sink into the deep end again. Just because I cant swim. I feel so selfish. I mean, if someone is will to try, I should to. But what is it worth anymore. If it just a "grin-n-bear with it" situation, why try. Maybe opposites attract, but this is beyond what I can bear sometimes.

Maybe I do need a break from this.

You know what it feels like?? I say its fine, cuz I've been there, obsession over someone you can't have. Don't come and tell me you don't think of her now and then. When you're depressed and what nots. Not being jealous here but hey, you know what it looks like from  my perspective? Oh look, I can't get this one, I guess this would do.  Yeah feels like that. Kinda sucky feeling too. Been feeling that way for quite some time.

SOOOOO MANY GIRLS WANT YOU.

Why me.

Could just pick up anyone of them off the street. Honestly, if I didn know you, I wouldnt even approach you. If you get my drift. Yeah. What does that say bout my taste. My taste is horrible apparently. Yeah. So I don't get it. Then again, maybe singaporean girls are a lot easier. I don't know. LOL.

Maybe I just need some time off for myself. Maybe I got attached too soon. Literally jumped from one ship to another. Prolly build up a horrible reputation soon. Don't really have anyone to blame for that. I give people chances cuz they deserved them. Maybe I shouldve more time  to evaluate the situation. Maybe I'm wayyyy toooo easy too.

I don't know.

Lots of "maybes". Lots of uncertainties. Lots of unopened doors.

** Two Hundred and Sixty Four **

Crazy.

Lets start with school.

I am done with my 1st semester of my 2nd year in Lasalle. Grinded and made it through the semester with a crappy major of a character i hated from the pre-production stage. Well, not complaining, its all part of the growing process. Afterall, when I go out there I prolly wont be able to do project of my own. This was a good little exercise for me to learn to love something I hated and make something out of it. I figured. School was a lot more laid back, I felt so bad for sleeping. I like getting sleep dont get me wrong. I LOVE SLEEP!!! More time to put into our major was nice. :) not as pretty as I expected it to be better but I like it. Felt like an improvement from year1. Slowly but gradually growing. :)

New studios were awesome. It was nice to have the little room for a little class of us to have morning educational screenings while we worked on our majors. Plenty of computers for us to do our renders. Or maybe it was because we monopolized it all before the juniors could do anything about it. MUAHAHAHHHAHAHAHHAHHAHHA.

At the least, Maya wasnt such a bitch to me. I'm rather cool with working in school I guess. Tried it out this semester. I'll live. Feels kinda nice. Work til 7pm 8pm and go back knowing you can chill and not do work anymore. XD Having my saturdays nommed away by masterclasses took some getting used to. I think overall, most of the masterclasses were good. Learn a lot. Well there were a little tiny spec of them that felt like "Why the fuck did I even get out of bed for this?!?!"

I love my class. Honestly enjoy being class rep (besides the boring meetings i had to go to). I like the little class of 5. Makes us so together. Feels nice. :) I'd rather have 4 close friends than 10 friends. And honestly love them lots for that belated birthday celebration. :)


Here's my "awesome" major :



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I love the sport. But I cant seem to find my tenancy in it anymore. I dont know. I am not motivated to do anything. I am not motivated to achieve anything. I have no goal. No place I want to be. I keep blaming it on the fact that I am not home but maybe all I needed was better company here. Its no one's fault.

I am honestly getting no where. I am not improving. It feels sad. I started off so spirited. I started with dreams of going international and competing and being able to do all those trick the pros could. I started with a goal to reach the top and here I am now, sitting by my laptop. Asking myself where is my motivation and driving force.

Everyone is improving. And here I am. Stuck. Because my feet wont move.
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I'm living testament, you should treasure and enjoy what every guy mutters to you during courtship and girl, it will only last that long. The moment you decide and say yes, the first few weeks is fine and dandy...and from then on everything goes downhill really fast. So you can say good bye to him calling u beautiful once in a while. Say good bye to him texting you before he sleeps and in the morning. Say good bye to all the little things he does during courtship. Say goodbye to all that shit.

I honestly do question myself. The balance is obviously tilting to one side and its not a good side. It feels so sad. I started off so happy. But I dont really know what to do anymore. Sometimes I ask myself if I'm happy or look for the last time I was actually happy. Can't really remember one. I'm trying. I honestly am. He doesn't understand that material things dont keep a girl.

Its no use showering a girl with gifts when you're not fixing the little things you've talked about, the little fixes you were supposed to work on.

I know I often complain bout my birthday coinciding with exams and submissions. Birthdays are a big part of me and they mean alot. And I dont know. Fucking it up for me was prolly the worst thing you couldve done. More over my 21st birthday. And sorry. Your excuses are pretty stupid if you ask me. Not that you even try to save the day. You just woke up and constantly asked me why I was mad.

WAS IT NOT OBVIOUS ENOUGH FOR YOU?!?!?!!?! ITS MY FUCKING 21ST BIRTHDAY AND YOU SLEPT THROUGH THE FIRST HALF OF IT NOT DOING ANYTHING.

and you call yourself my boyfriend.

I dont know. I didn expect fancy shit to happen just to avoid disappointment. I know you. But you even manage to sink beyond that. There're so many little petty things I tolerate.

Honestly its the little things that count. And its the little things that piss me off the most.

Just so you know, a handmade birthday card wouldve meant more than anything you could buy off a shelf.

I dont know. I dont know anything anymore. Part of me just wants to go back in time and warn myself not to say yes. Not to give it a shot. Not to take a chance.

Everything just ends up like shit. I forgive you too easily.

Then again. maybe i was being selfish.
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Sorry, Ending it on such a sad note.

Had to get it off my chest.

on the side note. My hair is awesome :D

Rach.