16 November 2009

** Hundred and Fifty Three **

"...you've only got 86400 seconds in a day to turn it all around..."

god i dont even know what to type. somehow the closer it gets to SPM the further i am away from my books. day in day out i try to cramp things into my brain. honestly it doesnt work. so i'm stuck praying something i know comes out. i spent my morning stdying for a bit and then i started camwhoring again. i am in no position to draw. time like this when i jus want to fall asleep and never wake up. close my eyes and never open them. catch my breath and never exhale. lay static on the cold marble floor.

its amazing how i'm finishing school. how 11 years just flew by. how SPM is just few days away. how time flies. thank you for all the birthday wishes and staying up to wish me. somehow this feels like the worst birthday i've ever had. not because i didnt get to celebrate it. i sorta did with my family. not because i lack of presents. i dont really mind the presents. not because my friends arent around.

this is the one birthday. i wasn't laughing. i couldnt smile.

i cried. and slept.

and asked god why did he give me another day to live.

i wasn't sleeping at 12.30. for some whose phone call i didnt pick up.

my nose was clogged and i couldnt speak.


well i sang myself a birthday song before breaking down.

no actually i broke down halfway.

blew my imaginary cake.

went to sleep.

i guess i'll try to force my other half to study. i'm talking to myself more and more often now. its like...

"study rachel"
"tired la.."
"cannot tired all..SPM coming.."
"later la...lemme rest first..."
"you wanna fail your SPM issit?!?!"
"no...i sleep for half and hour only...den i wake up study..."
"fine..fine..half an hour.."
[2hours later]
"half an hour eh?!"
"my bad..."
"study now..."
"shower la.."
[after shower, dinner]
"study now!!!"
"let the food digest first la..."
"studying doesn't affect digestion..."
"aiya...chill la..."
"what chill SPM coming la..."
"Fine fine!! Study!!"
[i study for 2hours]
"i tired ade la...need to sleep"
"study la you...whole day wasted..."
"i study tomorrow la..."
[i sleep]

so practically i'm fighting with myself everyday.

honestly i dont think i'm sane anymore.


i'm hungry.

so much for a "happy" birthday.

0 complaints: