I feel like certain things make me feel like shit just because I’ve been eating the lies I tell myself back then n it hurt. I feel like I’m overly sensitive to silly lil things that shouldn’t even be a problem but it is because I get angry over it. Because my brain won’t shut up n it only knows this deduction to the situation n it’s completely unfair.
Then I sit back n trying to reason with myself. Tell myself it’s different n I’m being unreasonable n stupid because it’s true. But the feeling is hard to shake off. My defense mechanism goes on high alert n be like “remember back then...”. It’s dumb.
I overthink so many things it’s so tiring. I want my head to just stop. I’m constantly filled with all this doubt n it’s giving so much anxiety at times. I fight myself n calm the fuck down. I want to apologize. I always want to apologize for the way I act n the things I think of. I don’t like them either but they’re there because I’ve been through shit.
I don’t like giving the excuse that I’m this way because of something in the past. It should stay in the past n shouldn’t have a hold on my thoughts n actions n emotions. Then again the doubt n anxiety comes up because I’m just trying to protect myself. Because deep down i don’t really wanna believe things r different. Deep down I’m prolly still too afraid to get my hopes up that this is amazing n things r great.
I feel like it just gets annoying when I keep apologizing for the way I am. I should just fix myself instead of just using it as a goddamn excuse every time I’m being difficult.
It’s been years n it’s so dumb. I’m tired of feeling things that my mind conjures up just because. I’m so tired of keeping my distance n afraid to actually admit being happy for once n just staying content. I want my head to stop filling itself with all these thoughts of past events thinking it’d be the same.
I’m so tired of fighting myself.
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I feel like I spent the bulk of my life trying so hard to belong somewhere. Constantly feeling out of place and having to put on a mask. I’ve grown tired throughout the years and frankly I feel like there’s still a part that wants to belong but I’m just too tired to give a damn anymore. It takes too much effort n too much pretending.
So many feelings.
I’m thankful for the amount of patience my SO has. It feels almost unfair n I constantly feel like he doesn’t need to put up with my shit. I feel like I’m so full of baggage n no one should have to deal with it. I’m so thankful of how incredibly understanding he is. I don’t know. It all feels very odd to me. Like I do not know how to exist in this environment. But it’s nicd. Just uncharted territory.
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I feel like I spent the bulk of my life trying so hard to belong somewhere. Constantly feeling out of place and having to put on a mask. I’ve grown tired throughout the years and frankly I feel like there’s still a part that wants to belong but I’m just too tired to give a damn anymore. It takes too much effort n too much pretending.
So many feelings.
I’m thankful for the amount of patience my SO has. It feels almost unfair n I constantly feel like he doesn’t need to put up with my shit. I feel like I’m so full of baggage n no one should have to deal with it. I’m so thankful of how incredibly understanding he is. I don’t know. It all feels very odd to me. Like I do not know how to exist in this environment. But it’s nicd. Just uncharted territory.
