**Two Hundred and Seventy Eight**

I feel like certain things make me feel like shit just because I’ve been eating the lies I tell myself back then n it hurt. I feel like I’m overly sensitive to silly lil things that shouldn’t even be a problem but it is because I get angry over it. Because my brain won’t shut up n it only knows this deduction to the situation n it’s completely unfair. 

Then I sit back n trying to reason with myself. Tell myself it’s different n I’m being unreasonable n stupid because it’s true. But the feeling is hard to shake off. My defense mechanism goes on high alert n be like “remember back then...”. It’s dumb. 

I overthink so many things it’s so tiring. I want my head to just stop. I’m constantly filled with all this doubt n it’s giving so much anxiety at times. I fight myself n calm the fuck down. I want to apologize. I always want to apologize for the way I act n the things I think of. I don’t like them either but they’re there because I’ve been through shit. 

I don’t like giving the excuse that I’m this way because of something in the past. It should stay in the past n shouldn’t have a hold on my thoughts n actions n emotions. Then again the doubt n anxiety  comes up because I’m just trying to protect myself. Because deep down i don’t really wanna believe things r different. Deep down I’m prolly still too afraid to get my hopes up that this is amazing n things r great. 

I feel like it just gets annoying when I keep apologizing for the way I am. I should just fix myself instead of just using it as a goddamn excuse every time I’m being difficult. 

It’s been years n it’s so dumb. I’m tired of feeling things that my mind conjures up just because. I’m so tired of keeping my distance n afraid to actually admit being happy for once n just staying content. I want my head to stop filling itself with all these thoughts of past events thinking it’d be the same. 

I’m so tired of fighting myself. 

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I feel like I spent the bulk of my life trying so hard to belong somewhere. Constantly feeling out of place and having to put on a mask. I’ve grown tired throughout the years and frankly I feel like there’s still a part that wants to belong but I’m just too tired to give a damn anymore. It takes too much effort n too much pretending. 

So many feelings.

I’m thankful for the amount of patience my SO has. It feels almost unfair n I constantly feel like he doesn’t need to put up with my shit. I feel like I’m so full of baggage n no one should have to deal with it. I’m so thankful of how incredibly understanding he is. I don’t know. It all feels very odd to me. Like I do not know how to exist in this environment. But it’s nicd. Just uncharted territory.

** Two Hundred and Seventy Seven**

I've spent countless new years eves with countless people from different parts of significance in my life. Often time wondering why why I'm here. A lot of these people mean a great deal to me. else i wouldn't be spending new years eve with them right?

I appreciate the quiet dinner and tv time until the new year with my parents. The small exclamations on the neighbors letting off fireworks, and us getting a free show.

I've celebrated with close friends, surrounded by booze and loud music. A life I probably would only dream of putting up with, but once a year, why the heck not. I never much enjoyed these.Often think about why we need to be surrounded by people that matter. Maybe I'm too comfortable in my own loneliness. If I wanted friends to get together it need not be an occasion before we do. But I guess an occasion is as good of an excuse as any.

I'm never a fan of these things. Whatever they may be. Wherever. Whoever. I very much enjoy my alone space. More often than not I feel more alone in a room full of people than by myself. People don't hear me when I make the effort to join a conversation and then tell me I dont converse very much at the end of it all.  People look through me like I dont exist. And there's so many thing being around people make me feel. They make me feel like I dont belong, not intentionally, of course. Just me in my mind space.

It makes me all too tired sometimes. But I have to keep up appearances. I have to pretend like I like these things. That I'm comfortable. That I'm fine with this set up and this gathering. When maybe all I really want is a quiet evening on my own. Maybe I just want to lie here and let my mind beat myself up for all the things I know is wrong with me but I cant seem to fix.

I feel very lost in this new group of people I hang out with.  I feel like a fish out of water.

I have never felt so alone in a room full of people.

Sometimes I feel like things are spiraling out of control and all I can do is spiral along with it because I dont really have any other choice. I feel very intimidated with people doing proper jobs and I'm just well, arting. I am very tired. There's a lot of things I dont really know how to do. I'm tired of the things I have to do just because. I do them anyway. Eventually.

I think I had a pretty decent run last year. Dont think I achieved anything amazing. Just going with the motions.

A lot of things scare me.

But in all honesty, I've never felt so alone in a room full of people.

I'm so tired.

And I know it sounds like I'm ungrateful for all the wonderful company I have. Dont get me wrong, These people are amazing and loads of fun to be with. Maybe its just me looking for a larger sense of belonging that isnt really there to begin with. I feel like I'm super entitled to things I'm not entitled to.

I dont know. I'm in a weird head space. Theres so much to be grateful for. Maybe I'll just lie here and let it consume me. Feel better tomorrow. I dont know how people do this.