hello mister butterfly. are you all alone too?
where are all your friends? have they gone too?
where are all your friends? have they gone too?
08 August 2010
07 August 2010
so we had it planned that we'd take the bus to sungai wang and go for Karaoke!! yeah the long delayed plan to go for it has finally commensed!! =D
so after class, we all went to Yue Ting's place near TBR. i parked my car there. then we had some change of clothings and then went to wait for the bus. then we took the bus to sungai wang.
then we went to Green Box to sing song. =D
so yeah. summary of what we did. jumping about on the seats. screaming out lungs out. passing around the mic. JIUN WAI SANG!!! WENDY SANG!!! mer win as usual la...LOL CHERRIE SING UNTIL NO VOICE STILL WAN SING.
YAY WU DING!!! <3
then we finally decided to eat at GASOLINE.
food wasnt all that good. but we were all hungry. xD
after food. we all headed home. which was around 9something close to 10.
photo in the elevator before leaving!
then sam, merwin, min yue, cherrie n i took the train back to TBR.
yes. by then i was extremely exhausted. not to mention the fact that it was the time of the month. shesh.
but i had fun today. ^^
HAPPY BIRTHDAY EUGENE!!!!! =D
i came home n my mum scolded me just cuz i didnt want to get up tomorrow at 9 to buy crabsticks.
WTF
__________________________________________________________________________
[edit]
i had my MS presentation. and somehow i never liked going to the front to talk. its not that i wasnt prepared. i was.
but somehow when i stood in front of my classmates and my lecturer everything went blank. its like i had dyslexia and my notes, i didnt understand them.
most of the time i dont mind talking in front. but when it comes to things that are factual. practically things i cant randomly make up. i crash and burn.
standing in front there for god knows how long was like being in a haunted house. i couldnt hear myself think. its like my brain went dead on me. and i conviniently forgotten everything i had in mind. i was shaking in front there. i know i was. i found it hard to breathe. like somehow something was choking me.
i do not know wat happened.
all i know is i screwed up.
04 August 2010
there's not a day i wish i could trade all my tutorial books for a simple block of paper or an empty sketch book. wishing i be drawing instead of trying to figure out the values of a and b. hoping that somehow by some freak accident
everything would change.
i find myself green with envy watching those who never even planned to do arts, well, do arts. i toss and turn every night wondering when will my parents realize how much i am determined to persue my long kept interest in art. the one i struggled to keep a live through all the work and school and everything else happening in my life.
because it's the next best thing i have.
if the world was a lot less cruel maybe i wouldn't be stuck in this predicament. but here i am. caged and unwinged. even if you unlock the bearier that held this metal of confinement, i wouldnt be able to fly. i just noticed yesterday. there's a layer of dust on my sketch book. my A3 sketch book. god knows how thick that layer would be on my A4 ones.
the one thing the seriously pisses me off is the way my dad kept asking about what im going to do. the way he acts completely oblivious about the fact that i am going to the arts whether you like it or not.
the other day i was in the car with him talking about college and stuff. then i said i liked my chemistry lecturer and practcally like chemistry. and he said the line that pissed me off so bad, if he wasn't my dad i would've killed him.
"then go be a chemist!"
i stared from the back seat.
"i'm going to do animation." and that was final.
"since you like chemistry why not be a chemist. or something related to it."
"i'm going to do animation."
i wonder how many times do i have to say it before it sinks into their brains.
I AM GOING TO DO ANIMATION. (or whatever else that relates to art n drawing)
right now i feel the pull of gravity stronger than ever. being an artist the way i used to when i was in school was better than now. being able to make a simple thought into art. to be able to go beyond infinity. where the world is a playground and the sky is the limit. now. with college work piling up and tutorials that need to be done. i'll be lucky to even touch my sketch book once a month.
i want to be those who have sketch books in their hands and tonnes of different pencils, erasers, smudgers in their bags. instead of those who carry a file in their hand filled with all the notes in the world and tutorial books n refferences in their bags.
i never understood why my dad kept asking. he asked the other day "how's TARC." i just mumbled and continued eating. i hated that question. what was he expecting me to do?! lie and tell him that im amazingly happy being in TARC? he asked again "how are you liking TARC?" "ok la." then he brought up the topic of studying overseas aft my CAL. he suggested a twinning programme here, after my CAL. then i told him, "if i wanted to do a twinning programme on animation, i could've started NOW. instead of doing my a lvls."
i know i am wasting my time.
then my dad got sorta pissed. he said:
"go la! you not happy in TARC. and you think Alvls is a waste of time. where you wanna go? just leave TARC and go la. if you think you're so smart and wise enough to know what good. you damn proud just because you know what you're going to do already."
yea. i said Alvls was for those who didn't know what they wanted to do.
i walk this earth knowing and feeling inferior to everyone. doing Alvls makes me feel like school again. where i feel stupid wondering why my other classmates could do so well and i get this kind of shitty marks. watching everyone else i know start their course on art make me feel left out. its like they're getting better. and when i finish my CAL. i would probably suck even more that i already do. how am i gonna survive if i go oversea for my course?! heck. i dont need to go halfway around the world to undergo that kind of thing. it happens at home itself.
my dad put this idea of going to cambridge in my sister's brain. and she came back with a B for BM and my dad went "how are you going to get into cambridge like that?!" and the next thing i know it, she's going for extra BM tution. WTF. then i asked myself, why didn dad put that in my brain?
why?
i have my TEST2 in about 2weeks time. i know im going to screw this up as well. nowadays i find myself trying very hard to feel happy or at least be happy. most of the time im either angry with life or just angry with everyone around me.
one eyellid flickers
she pulls a pistol from her knickers
and BANG BANG BANG, there's blood on her sneakers
everything would change.
i find myself green with envy watching those who never even planned to do arts, well, do arts. i toss and turn every night wondering when will my parents realize how much i am determined to persue my long kept interest in art. the one i struggled to keep a live through all the work and school and everything else happening in my life.
because it's the next best thing i have.
if the world was a lot less cruel maybe i wouldn't be stuck in this predicament. but here i am. caged and unwinged. even if you unlock the bearier that held this metal of confinement, i wouldnt be able to fly. i just noticed yesterday. there's a layer of dust on my sketch book. my A3 sketch book. god knows how thick that layer would be on my A4 ones.
the one thing the seriously pisses me off is the way my dad kept asking about what im going to do. the way he acts completely oblivious about the fact that i am going to the arts whether you like it or not.
the other day i was in the car with him talking about college and stuff. then i said i liked my chemistry lecturer and practcally like chemistry. and he said the line that pissed me off so bad, if he wasn't my dad i would've killed him.
"then go be a chemist!"
i stared from the back seat.
"i'm going to do animation." and that was final.
"since you like chemistry why not be a chemist. or something related to it."
"i'm going to do animation."
i wonder how many times do i have to say it before it sinks into their brains.
I AM GOING TO DO ANIMATION. (or whatever else that relates to art n drawing)
right now i feel the pull of gravity stronger than ever. being an artist the way i used to when i was in school was better than now. being able to make a simple thought into art. to be able to go beyond infinity. where the world is a playground and the sky is the limit. now. with college work piling up and tutorials that need to be done. i'll be lucky to even touch my sketch book once a month.
i want to be those who have sketch books in their hands and tonnes of different pencils, erasers, smudgers in their bags. instead of those who carry a file in their hand filled with all the notes in the world and tutorial books n refferences in their bags.
i never understood why my dad kept asking. he asked the other day "how's TARC." i just mumbled and continued eating. i hated that question. what was he expecting me to do?! lie and tell him that im amazingly happy being in TARC? he asked again "how are you liking TARC?" "ok la." then he brought up the topic of studying overseas aft my CAL. he suggested a twinning programme here, after my CAL. then i told him, "if i wanted to do a twinning programme on animation, i could've started NOW. instead of doing my a lvls."
i know i am wasting my time.
then my dad got sorta pissed. he said:
"go la! you not happy in TARC. and you think Alvls is a waste of time. where you wanna go? just leave TARC and go la. if you think you're so smart and wise enough to know what good. you damn proud just because you know what you're going to do already."
yea. i said Alvls was for those who didn't know what they wanted to do.
i walk this earth knowing and feeling inferior to everyone. doing Alvls makes me feel like school again. where i feel stupid wondering why my other classmates could do so well and i get this kind of shitty marks. watching everyone else i know start their course on art make me feel left out. its like they're getting better. and when i finish my CAL. i would probably suck even more that i already do. how am i gonna survive if i go oversea for my course?! heck. i dont need to go halfway around the world to undergo that kind of thing. it happens at home itself.
my dad put this idea of going to cambridge in my sister's brain. and she came back with a B for BM and my dad went "how are you going to get into cambridge like that?!" and the next thing i know it, she's going for extra BM tution. WTF. then i asked myself, why didn dad put that in my brain?
why?
i have my TEST2 in about 2weeks time. i know im going to screw this up as well. nowadays i find myself trying very hard to feel happy or at least be happy. most of the time im either angry with life or just angry with everyone around me.
one eyellid flickers
she pulls a pistol from her knickers
and BANG BANG BANG, there's blood on her sneakers
27 July 2010
i close my eyes. wishing time would go by. hoping i'd be given another try. to work out the things that made me cry. those endless trickling tears that make my eyes dry. slowly everything was left to fry. HELP ME. i wrote repeatedly. quietly printing them again and again. i have shut the world from mine. it feel as if all time has stopped. but as i peer away from the blue tip on this empty lines of this piece of paper, my limbo disappears.
all that rings in my ears are the same tune i had since last night. oh how the words spoke of things i only wished i could do. then the music has a little marry-go-roundish tune to it that reminds me of how i am still the same old kid i was back then. although now, i have metamorphosized to a different exterior. i let it ring. again and again. until there is no need to shut the world for me to hear it. until it has become part of my world.
i feel the unusual warmth in this hand. the same hand that held everything i had. the same hand that let it all go. and now no matter how much i reach out for it, though within my grasps, i can never hope to reach. i wrote those words again. HELP ME. my way of crying out to the world knowing how pointless it would be to scream at the top of my lungs til they'd explode and hope that it touches someone's hearing at the other end of this vast universe.
because nobody would come.
because nobody would care.
everyone else is too busy with their own little petty problems to stop and take a glance at the world and see how lucky they are.
because nobody cares.
all that rings in my ears are the same tune i had since last night. oh how the words spoke of things i only wished i could do. then the music has a little marry-go-roundish tune to it that reminds me of how i am still the same old kid i was back then. although now, i have metamorphosized to a different exterior. i let it ring. again and again. until there is no need to shut the world for me to hear it. until it has become part of my world.
i feel the unusual warmth in this hand. the same hand that held everything i had. the same hand that let it all go. and now no matter how much i reach out for it, though within my grasps, i can never hope to reach. i wrote those words again. HELP ME. my way of crying out to the world knowing how pointless it would be to scream at the top of my lungs til they'd explode and hope that it touches someone's hearing at the other end of this vast universe.
because nobody would come.
because nobody would care.
everyone else is too busy with their own little petty problems to stop and take a glance at the world and see how lucky they are.
because nobody cares.
26 July 2010
im sick of trying to please everyone. im sick of trying to make everyone happy with who i am. im sick of trying to hold in my anger. im sick of trying so hard to make things right but you just dont let me. im sick of trying to regain the lost trust. im sick of doing things even if i dont want to.
im sick of everything.
im sick of everything.
25 July 2010
i wonder how some people can pretend like their life is perfect. how they can keep everything bottled up inside. how they can smile through the day pretending nothing is wrong when everything is. how they can pretend to be contented with the way things are. how they can plaster a smile on their faces without having the urge to tear. i wonder how some people do it.
it feels horrible. when the pain isn't physical anymore. i know i've said countless times but i do what i did to feel human again. cuz humans bleed and feel pain. and up to a point in life, i no longer feel anything. to a point where it feels as if nothing is worth living for anymore. to a point where gravity seems to pull me to places i never want to be. to a point where i feel imprisoned by my own emotions. and then i make myself bleed. i make myself feel the pain in the shower. of how it stings when water runs pass it. of how it hurts when soap touches it.
then everyone else calls me stupid for doing so.
but you dont understand.
every night when the lights go out. i lay alone in bed staring at the blank ceiling hoping for a tomorrow better than today. i lay there thinking. pondering. about the little broken shattered pieces of my life i never bothered picking up. i close my eyes and wished good night. to god knows who that's wishing under the same night sky. but i know tomorrow will be the same as today. and when i close my eyes that night, i wished i never had to open them again as i lay on my side, holding myself to sleep.
hearing that imaginary heartbeat.
i understand why people call Envy one of the Seven Dealiest Sins. how envy literally makes you beat yourself up mentally. make you feel as if the world you live in is never good enough. that you life is incomplete. and it makes you feel inferior. how envy sucks the sunlight out of you. when all your mind could think about is how stupidly retarded your life is compared to other people.
envy. sigh.
sometimes i hate technology. yeah sure it connects people and all that awesome other stuff it does. but sometimes technology isn't helping. how technology enables people to read my text messages. incoming n outgoing. BOTH. how technology makes things seem so close. close enough to touch. but when i reach out, its the screen i feel. it hurts that although technology give me closeness, it makes me feel further than i was.
all i want to do is touch your face.
i dont feel human for some reason.
its time to bleed again.
it feels horrible. when the pain isn't physical anymore. i know i've said countless times but i do what i did to feel human again. cuz humans bleed and feel pain. and up to a point in life, i no longer feel anything. to a point where it feels as if nothing is worth living for anymore. to a point where gravity seems to pull me to places i never want to be. to a point where i feel imprisoned by my own emotions. and then i make myself bleed. i make myself feel the pain in the shower. of how it stings when water runs pass it. of how it hurts when soap touches it.
then everyone else calls me stupid for doing so.
but you dont understand.
every night when the lights go out. i lay alone in bed staring at the blank ceiling hoping for a tomorrow better than today. i lay there thinking. pondering. about the little broken shattered pieces of my life i never bothered picking up. i close my eyes and wished good night. to god knows who that's wishing under the same night sky. but i know tomorrow will be the same as today. and when i close my eyes that night, i wished i never had to open them again as i lay on my side, holding myself to sleep.
hearing that imaginary heartbeat.
i understand why people call Envy one of the Seven Dealiest Sins. how envy literally makes you beat yourself up mentally. make you feel as if the world you live in is never good enough. that you life is incomplete. and it makes you feel inferior. how envy sucks the sunlight out of you. when all your mind could think about is how stupidly retarded your life is compared to other people.
envy. sigh.
sometimes i hate technology. yeah sure it connects people and all that awesome other stuff it does. but sometimes technology isn't helping. how technology enables people to read my text messages. incoming n outgoing. BOTH. how technology makes things seem so close. close enough to touch. but when i reach out, its the screen i feel. it hurts that although technology give me closeness, it makes me feel further than i was.
all i want to do is touch your face.
i dont feel human for some reason.
its time to bleed again.
20 July 2010
" those two sisters what never shared a bit of similarity with her giggled and laughed and chuckled in her face. "never ever will you meet your prince cuz youre never ever going to step out of that door with all that dirt in your face." she grasps hard on the decrepit cloth crunched up under her worked hands. stayed where she was watching them merrily walts out leaving her broken for no mends. the crickets sing a little lullaby under the shimmering night by the plane. even as everything lays still she is still where she was sane. "
Listening to: Kagamine Rin & Len
since i screwed up my tests, i cant really do anything about it. i got back my Maths and Further Maths Pure test papers today. surprisingly it wasn't as bad as i thought. considering the circumstances where i technically didn't have any idea how to do the entire paper. and finally realized that i should write bigger so that i can see my mistakes more clearly. LOL. now i have to hope and pray i get at least 20 for my Applied Maths and Further Maths. gosh. i love maths. but its now my worst subject. damn.
I'M FREE TONIGHT!!! I SHALL DRAW!!! (when in actual fact i am not)
then maybe continue tomorrow in college when i wait for 2hours bfor class starts. and 1hour plus during MS.
lately i dont feel like going anywhere. it consumes a lot of energy. LOL. not that i'm saying i dont have enough energy to go out and hang out. its just. sometimes its nice to be alone. ^^.
so yeah i do feel sucky watching everyone get better marks than i do. its so frustrating. _no" its like a gamble whether you can see the answer or not. and sometimes your brain just gets stuck with THIS way and doesnt want to try another way. which results in the inability in getting the answer. CURSE U BRAIN!!
so i was doing nonsense again just now. i was talking to paul the octopus on facebook!!! XD
Q: How many tentacles do you have
A: No!
Q: U dont have tentacles?!?!?!?
A: Not at all. What kind of question is that?
Q: But ur an octopus!! Ur supposed to have tentacles
A: An octopus friend of mine predicted that they would eat me before the world cup. But he was wrong. so it's a NO
Q: do you like shoes?
A: I talked to Yoon Voon and he told me its a YES!
Q: are you still a virgin??
A: are you crazy? of course yes!
Q: u know what takoyaki is made of?
A: follow your heart. if you dont have visit the Mage of Oz.
Q: I KNOW WHAT TAKOYAKI IS MADE OF!! IM ASKING DO YOU!!!
A: No chance!
Q: ITS MADE OUT OF U!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA
A: Yesterday they asked me the same thing. The truth is that YES.
Q: so ur a cannibal
A: No idea. I dont know that much? but i think it's a YES
Q: can you drive?
A: Dont talk about it!
and the one that PAWNS it all
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Q: Do you eat unicorns?
A: Yes of course. Why would you think that
ahhh...bits of life that make it all worth a little bit more...
toodles,
Rach
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About Me
- Scribbles
- I am an artist, photographer, skater(freestyle slalom & slide) and cosplayer.