** Thirty One **

there's a certain part of me that might just cry out for help and there's this tiny section of me that might just break down and cry there's this certain part in me that might just give up on all that's made worth while so here's a post with no full stops a post for utter nonsense from the two days i was away there comes a point where i really cannot take it anymore where i really am at the breaking point at the limit so maybe one group of people tells me he's gay and another tells me he's weird doesn't mean i still cant be with him and even if he is a bit gay so what it's not like I'm not all that of a girl anyway main point is most people have trouble accepting people for who they are it's like if they're gay you cant hang out with them cause you'll turn gay sooner or later well if you're going to be that influenced by them then yes seriously if you have friends you wont need to change yourself to be with them all you have to do is be yourself really there is nothing wrong with it and with all this stuff revolving around me i really need some time to breath it's like i dont even have time to breath anymore one moment i'm practising taekwondo the other i'll be staring at the empty manuscript cracking my brain and now my muscles hurt for dancing just so you know i'm consuming five to six can of coke per day which is not very healthy according to "some people" well few days back we had some ceramah moral thingy first the guy was rude real rude then it was fun did the chicken dance and the end next day we went through spotcheck and on that day i had to decide to bring my phone well my nails were one lie and my phone was another guess i'm such an innocent girl even the prefects thrust me lol i had my phone in the pocket of my shorts so i told her it was i tuition fees a whole lum sum of it and my nails i said i needed them for the guitar and that i misplaced my wallet that morning so i had no pass brilliant right tomorrow is bon odori i'm hardly excited i'm rather scared actually damn i need a body guard hydde's in london so i cant do anything about it well i like the peace really i do it's not like i live on people feeding me sweet words that don't mean much to me in addition to my not-so-awesome-keyboard i'm pasting all my a's again you can count the a's if you want to see how many times i had to press ctrl+v i wanted to do a post without any a's in it to save me the trouble but i just can't ok i've just finished my sixth coke for the day i need to buy a new carton soon damn my music class is tomorrow and i haven't done a thing ok i'm going for bon odori and also cheer i come armed with a dagger and a pistol and a fork if that doesn't work i can always kick the chickens okay this is the part where i start thinking out loud rachel you need to be a girl now no actually not really i think it's better if i just be me it's not like it's worth changing heck i won't even change if my mother asked me to so bottom line rachel don't change maybe i should change hydde make him a bit boyish lol dream on girl now what to wear what to wear first of all i do not know how to work my yukata second i cant tie my obi third what the hell am i gonna do with my hair owh damn okay the crap we made up in class on our ship and stuff i cant exactly type when i'm pvsting every single a in the freaking word that im freaking using so here i am i say when i feel like dressing like a girl i will and most of the time when i feel like dressing like a guy i will too and when i grow up erm that is if i do grow up which is most likey not to happen but it's still an if cause i know there will be a time i will have to grow up and until that time comes i'll be sitting in the corner of my room cuddling into my blanket hugging my favourite teddy bear singing myself to sleep

** Thirty **

TUESDAYS
always tiring
always hectic
always too much to handle
i have school
taekwondo
and the tuition
and occasionally i have to make dinner
and then it's a bath
homework
blogging
computer
crapping
scribbling
more homework
and sleep
so today's taekwondo training was tiring as usual
cuz all i had was a can of MILO
i had another 5 cans of coke when i got back...
haha...i <3

** Twenty Nine **

i no longer care what you tell me

i dont give a damn what you say about me

and i dont really mind if you do insult me in anyway

i really am sick of everyone

im sick of feeling so stupid

im sick of feeling so sloppy

im sick of feeling so conscious

im sick of feeling so lousy

im sick of feeling so useless

im sick of feeling so talentless

im just so sick of it

and everytime when i do give it shot

some bigger comes out

and what i just did is like

okay....fine....whatever...

i really don't know

how am i going to live up to my mum

its like she's expecting way too much

its so much more

than i can very do

maybe i shouldn't have left my Moral paper on the floor

cause she saw and she.......

long story short

i passed my Moral by 4 marks

somehow...

i feel like shit

yeah my results suck

to tell you the truth

its normal for me

no longer a BIG shocker

coming up

i have 4 diagnostic test for add math to sit

and teacher says i have to pass it all

well...not only me

all of Form4 i think

but still.......

it's freaking addmath...

Ive been spending way too long

checking my tongue into the mirror

and bending over backwards

just to try to see it clearer

but my breath fogged up the glass

so i drew a new face and laughed

i guess what im saying is

there aint no better reason

to rid yourself of vanity

and just go with the seasons

[I'm Yours - Jason Marz]
Miss Yus's birthday today

she made bio so freaking FUNNNNNN

it's sad PnChieng has to come back

so a BIG HaPPY BIRTHDaY to MISS YUS

haih...

pasting my a's again...damn you keyboard

GOOD LUCK

MICHIE

JOSEPHINE

DaLSHINI

KaMILIa

TOMORROW

GIVE IT aLL YOU'VE GOT

JIaYOUXXXX

GaMBaTEHHH

GO GO GO

BREaK a LEG

DO YOUR BEST

whoops.....high again

too much coke?

no...

last i drank was yesterday

i just cant believe something like this would happen

anyway...

tomorrow i have taekwondo

must go competition rachel

must go

loveeeessssss -rachel-

** Twenty Eight **

Drew on my hand today

and i'm pasting my a's once more

keyboard's going mad again

so a short one til this recovers

cause i can't be pasting my a's all the way

i go through the same old routine

if that isn't boring enough

i suffered in add math

and well...

pratically drawing on my arm was all i remember...

i went to tuition

drew somemore

well im dying of boredom there

went home

took my bath

dinner

yawns...

*******************

look what i have

COKEEEEEEEE

i finished the last 3 today

so i bought moreeee

man i love coke....<3

my drug for survival = COKE

** Twenty Seven **

had ooooddlleeessss of fun today

owh i drag myself out of bed

into my school uniform

down the stairs

up the car

into school compounds

up the stairs

into class

ZZzzzzzZZZzZZ

i went through class after class

ZZzzzzZzzzzzZz

aiyo today first day la...

so a bit

irritated...

whole day raining on and off

after recess....

thundering a bit

so i scared scared a bit

T^T

and then BM was fun

bina ayat oso laugh so loud

CikChong got us to do it orally after she gave a few to do in the book

she asked sarritha to do one...

and sarritha chose "baring-baring"

so she goes..

"saya baring-baring di atas tilam..."

"...sambil bercakap dengan telefon...."

then theeviyah went

"sambil melepaskan gas...."

LAWLS

sarritha had problems with the sentence

"bercakap dalam telefon..."

"...bercakap dengan telefon..."

"..."

then CikChong corrected her...

really truely

CikChong has changed for the better

she a bit more fun now....^^

well...at least she's willing to do something

so that WE dont fall asleep

then it was English

supposed to do my 2nd oral today

but teacher got stuff to attend to

so...i'm safe!!!!

she left after the 8th perriod

and we had the 9th period in the English room enjoying ourselves...

xD

we really did...

so let the photos speak for themselves...

pose ppl pose...xD

come one come all...syok sendiri betul...

dah dah....started la the madness

more and more came...semangat la... peace la... punching?!?!

jakoon-ish la.....

everybody wan to be in the picture...

dang...my poor head...xD

very dark la...

somebody get the LIGHTS!!!!!!

ahhh...now can see all the pretty faces..

i dunno WTF the three ppl are doing...

but all of us are fighting for the cam space...

kononnya wanna become hantu la this ppl...

and then...

we have our PIGs...

more cam whore pigs....

new species..

just discovered today

this kind of pigs loves the camera

poor huixian...kena cium...

OMG OMG!!!!...

virus virus...lol...

so me and umi's face liddat lorrrrr

ok...terambil....xD

they wanted to take passport photo it seems

so they're making the white background

buttttt

i took their butts...xD

bully me summore la....haiyo..

i know my face every square la...

...

damn...

stop laughing people...

started la...

fooling aroud with poor Kong's head

see...

kong go...=.='''

eh!!! tat day phantom...kong's hair nice la...

came we remake the hair...

lawls...

joanna the "wonderful" hairstylist

WAHHH!!!!!!!

lol...if only i danced that day in THIS hairstyle...

damn yeng...xD

ok ok....gila liao gila liao....

see la see la.....

madness

madness!!!

damn dont pull my fringe to the side....

ahhhh.*waves white flag*

oO

hahahahaha

***************

wow...my post lately has LOTS of picture in themm...

xD

well...more pictures = less talking...

wait til PnJudy finds out what we did....xD

then we're doomed...

=)

** Twenty Six **

maybe its time for me to face the fact
for the past three days i've blocked roughly 20 random people
who added me on msn
invited me into a group conversation
and started interogating me
they spam and spam and spam
and make my computer lag
so...i got pissed
blocked all of them
damn...
out of depression...i had one more bottle of coke today
just one...
300ml of coke...
well...i had 5 yesterday....
so in 3 days that's 16 coke...xD
i've lost my mind lately
i went to buy babyfood...
yeah...
those for lil ones with no teeth
since i've got to stop the coke...
i'm eating babyfood...
owh...laugh all you want...
it taste nice to me...^^
and well...
i'm suffering...
drowning....
tomorrow got second oral
today just did my first
damn...i'm so pissed with my life right now
gosh...i miss phantom
P.S. ppl who visit my blog....REALLY
ignore the stalkers in my cbox...
and...
thanks for lending me a hand pals...
love yahhh ^^
my keyboard's working again
and i've got to finish my essay for creative writing
damnnnnn...i wrote like one tiny section only...
*slaps self* damn Rachel pull youself together!!!
okay...
i've covered taegeuk 4 and 7
i need a bit more work on 8
and Koryo will be started on by tomorrow...
wheeee....i semangat gila...nak masuk pertandingan
i'm gonna ignore all those who come
ask for my email and number
and anything else personal
UNLESS I KNOW THEM
how i wish there was a BIG RED BUTTON to block all the stalkers in the world
well...at least i dont have any in school...
so there's that moments of peace and serenity that i have
***********************************
maybe there's just one moment in time
where everything seems to make no sense
when everything feels like its falling apart
how my world seems to be caving in on me
and i'm drowning
gasping for air
holding out my hand
reaching out
but there's no one there
to help me up
to hold me
to guide me
to be my wings
to heal the pain
to save me
and i enter a whole new world
i never knew
a world i never thought would exist
a world of darkness
of sorrow
where sadness is filled to the brim
to the limits of melancholicness
my words echo in the silence
drifting further away
hoping
praying
wishing
someone out there
would hear my cries
hear my lies
hear my story
hear my thoughts
every door i opened
i fall into the abyss
i fall into nothingness
i'm losing it
buried underneath
all the blood i shed
all the tears that trickled down
all the bullshit i had to go through
and now here i am
stuck in between no where
lost
aimlessly wondering
****************************
so my niece is in the hospital...
the cute one i posted about few weeks back
yeah...
she's having fever and something else
i dont know...
i'm not sure..
but she's in the hospital
and she's undergoing an operation
why
i do not know
but she's only 1years old
and she ain't that big of a size...
i really hope she's okay...
i'm being a pessimist trying to not type in all the negative thoughts
><''' pray she's okay... ***************************** after this i'm gonna have to get working on my piece again even WITHOUT inspiration i HAVE to finish it PouLeen's gonna kill me if i dont owh... and i'm going for Cheer08 and Bon Odori... i think... now is the transport problem... damn how nice if i could drive... well....i'm left with 3 cans of coke in the fridge... man... im a mass consumer of coke... xD so out of the depression im going through... i still smile throughout my day maybe i do try to hide it but i dont think i'm any good at it... being 15 going on 16 sucks i figured it seems as if... this year... so many things are happening so many things are complicating so many things are going on and... there comes a time for the tears the smiles the laugthers the hates the screams the shouts the backstabbing the betrayal the friendship the apologies the lies the worries the faith the promise the trust the hope the wish the dramas the acts the forgiveness the revenge the depression the regret the love the jelousy the crap the bullshit the loneliness the emotions the lost the gained the life that is mine and mine alone

** Twenty Five **

Today i went for taekwondo

for the first time after so many months

nd i guess i really sucked...

my keyboard wont let me type in the first letter of the alphabet

so s u can see the post is missing it

not to worry i'm sure all you people can read

damn i have to paste the "a"

which is pretty much an irritant

anyway...

i felt like a useless bum today during taekwondo

i forgot everything

and Master wants to send me for competition

darn

and yet i really do want to take part

so Rachel....

you have to learn up your patterns by next lesson

it's a team of 3

and i'm the WORST of the four

and i ain't going to be a reserved

and do all the training for nothing

i will get chosen

i will take part

it's a must

so

i felt like bum today in taekwondo

everything oso forgot

everything oso dunno how to do

after that i had to rush to tuition

add math

sejarah

math

had burger for dinner

and took my bath

now i have to finish my creative writting for PouLeen

cu she's gonna kill me if i don't

not to mention i'm gonna have to face PnJudy too

dang

my keyboard needs to get working again

i can't be pasting my "a"

throughout my entire essay

so Rachel needs to cover 4 patterns by this week

and improve a lot

i need to bring the power back to my motions

and get my movements straightened out

i know it's not gonna be

easy for Master to pick me

pfffftttt

even I won't pick me damn it

i'm determined to rise again

for once i want to be someone

cause it seems like

my cousins are doing hell in studies

and koko

and what am i doing???

so it's time i achieve something on my own

not that i couldn't do it

but for the past few years i was stage fright

VERY

so i know it'd gonna be a problem

maybe it's time for me to come out of the shadows

maybe it's time for me to change

maybe it's time for me to do something different

and make a difference in mylife

[wow....wat a speech...lol]

*pops down dying*

*stares at the pattern guide book*

OMG...

T^T...i'm doomed.....*faints*

*slaps self*

No...Rachel...you can do it

*stares harder*