**Two Hundred and Seventy Eight**

I feel like certain things make me feel like shit just because I’ve been eating the lies I tell myself back then n it hurt. I feel like I’m overly sensitive to silly lil things that shouldn’t even be a problem but it is because I get angry over it. Because my brain won’t shut up n it only knows this deduction to the situation n it’s completely unfair. 

Then I sit back n trying to reason with myself. Tell myself it’s different n I’m being unreasonable n stupid because it’s true. But the feeling is hard to shake off. My defense mechanism goes on high alert n be like “remember back then...”. It’s dumb. 

I overthink so many things it’s so tiring. I want my head to just stop. I’m constantly filled with all this doubt n it’s giving so much anxiety at times. I fight myself n calm the fuck down. I want to apologize. I always want to apologize for the way I act n the things I think of. I don’t like them either but they’re there because I’ve been through shit. 

I don’t like giving the excuse that I’m this way because of something in the past. It should stay in the past n shouldn’t have a hold on my thoughts n actions n emotions. Then again the doubt n anxiety  comes up because I’m just trying to protect myself. Because deep down i don’t really wanna believe things r different. Deep down I’m prolly still too afraid to get my hopes up that this is amazing n things r great. 

I feel like it just gets annoying when I keep apologizing for the way I am. I should just fix myself instead of just using it as a goddamn excuse every time I’m being difficult. 

It’s been years n it’s so dumb. I’m tired of feeling things that my mind conjures up just because. I’m so tired of keeping my distance n afraid to actually admit being happy for once n just staying content. I want my head to stop filling itself with all these thoughts of past events thinking it’d be the same. 

I’m so tired of fighting myself. 

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I feel like I spent the bulk of my life trying so hard to belong somewhere. Constantly feeling out of place and having to put on a mask. I’ve grown tired throughout the years and frankly I feel like there’s still a part that wants to belong but I’m just too tired to give a damn anymore. It takes too much effort n too much pretending. 

So many feelings.

I’m thankful for the amount of patience my SO has. It feels almost unfair n I constantly feel like he doesn’t need to put up with my shit. I feel like I’m so full of baggage n no one should have to deal with it. I’m so thankful of how incredibly understanding he is. I don’t know. It all feels very odd to me. Like I do not know how to exist in this environment. But it’s nicd. Just uncharted territory.

** Two Hundred and Seventy Seven**

I've spent countless new years eves with countless people from different parts of significance in my life. Often time wondering why why I'm here. A lot of these people mean a great deal to me. else i wouldn't be spending new years eve with them right?

I appreciate the quiet dinner and tv time until the new year with my parents. The small exclamations on the neighbors letting off fireworks, and us getting a free show.

I've celebrated with close friends, surrounded by booze and loud music. A life I probably would only dream of putting up with, but once a year, why the heck not. I never much enjoyed these.Often think about why we need to be surrounded by people that matter. Maybe I'm too comfortable in my own loneliness. If I wanted friends to get together it need not be an occasion before we do. But I guess an occasion is as good of an excuse as any.

I'm never a fan of these things. Whatever they may be. Wherever. Whoever. I very much enjoy my alone space. More often than not I feel more alone in a room full of people than by myself. People don't hear me when I make the effort to join a conversation and then tell me I dont converse very much at the end of it all.  People look through me like I dont exist. And there's so many thing being around people make me feel. They make me feel like I dont belong, not intentionally, of course. Just me in my mind space.

It makes me all too tired sometimes. But I have to keep up appearances. I have to pretend like I like these things. That I'm comfortable. That I'm fine with this set up and this gathering. When maybe all I really want is a quiet evening on my own. Maybe I just want to lie here and let my mind beat myself up for all the things I know is wrong with me but I cant seem to fix.

I feel very lost in this new group of people I hang out with.  I feel like a fish out of water.

I have never felt so alone in a room full of people.

Sometimes I feel like things are spiraling out of control and all I can do is spiral along with it because I dont really have any other choice. I feel very intimidated with people doing proper jobs and I'm just well, arting. I am very tired. There's a lot of things I dont really know how to do. I'm tired of the things I have to do just because. I do them anyway. Eventually.

I think I had a pretty decent run last year. Dont think I achieved anything amazing. Just going with the motions.

A lot of things scare me.

But in all honesty, I've never felt so alone in a room full of people.

I'm so tired.

And I know it sounds like I'm ungrateful for all the wonderful company I have. Dont get me wrong, These people are amazing and loads of fun to be with. Maybe its just me looking for a larger sense of belonging that isnt really there to begin with. I feel like I'm super entitled to things I'm not entitled to.

I dont know. I'm in a weird head space. Theres so much to be grateful for. Maybe I'll just lie here and let it consume me. Feel better tomorrow. I dont know how people do this.

** Two Hundred and Seventy Six **

I figured I should probably put more than just one post a year in this long forgotten blog of mine. Its a nice little time capsule now but it would probably be more of use if it actually encapsulate something.

It has been a long grueling 2017 of ups and downs and turnarounds. I'm pretty tired of a lot of things and have a lot less tolerance for a lot of the shit I realize I used to be very tolerant of. Crazy fucking compromises I made for a whole bunch of people I did not really care much for.  Hey. We'll start with all the good and amazing things that I've done with my sad pathetic life as of now.

Work has been dull. I'm starting to think maybe I cannot live with a 9-6 job for long. The routine feels so empty albeit the stable income every month into my bank account is amazing and I do not need to worry much about looking for freelance out on my own. There is a sense of disconnection from the work I put out. Its just work after all. A 9 to 6 grind I do five times a week for a lum sum of money at the end of the month. I left Weike Gaming Tech in October. It would've been a great place if I planned on settling on an easy going job with an okay pay cheque with okay perks. The work I do there isn't all that great and it is very obviously nothing to be proud of or show off to anyone. I don't really even want to talk about my shitty work half the time. So I hopped over to MoCreative in November, I like this place a little better. The team is a lot more cohesive and it feels a lot more free although work ethics are pretty strict. I'm back to being an animator, and my first month was pretty rough on me. Picking up a new program and rekindling the long lost animator in me. I've done a good two months in MoCreative and I'm actually quite contented to just stay here for a while. I think as long as the work continues to be interesting and challenging, that is all I really need.

I have also moved out of the now ex-boyfriend's place and to my own lil rented cave nearby work. Its like the best shit in the word.

Talk about work outside work. Its been pretty awesome but I possibly have come to terms that I cannot juggle them between the full time job kind of thing. It becomes exhausting after awhile. The grind got a bit too hard to handle at some point when I bit off more than I could chew and left some people disappointed. Bless everyone who has been patient with me and understanding enough to give me more time to wrap up their stuff. I never liked delivering half ass works when it came to people paying for my art and if some extra time was all I needed I have kind of gotten over the whole shame of not being able to deliver as promised. Start treating myself like a human being just trying to art rather than a machine.

Should dump some art here I guess. One of the bigger achievements of the year was probably the Star Guardian collaboration promotional art with Riot Games. Handling a team of four other artists, even if they're mutual friends, has been, an eye opener more than anything. I'm more than grateful to have had this opportunity. I would have never thought I'd even come close to such a thing. Partially because I'm pretty shit of an artist. 

I completed Inktober2017 on A4 pieces and have them exhibiting at a gallery for a good month with a bunch of other crazy talented people. What am I even doing there seriously... I technically did not finish all 31 days but I'm pretty darn proud of the fact I pulled through working on a bigger piece of canvas than what I'm used to. And also did another smaller set of Inktober this year and published my first ever book! :D Also putting it out there that I've been taking and drawing lewd commissions below the radar because it just felt like a thing that was shunned by "industry" people.

Heck. I did it anyway. Of course, not without some nudging and encouragement from friends. The sales went pretty good too, surprisingly. 

I started doing cons this year. Dived right in and hope for the best. It was nice meeting fans and people that supported and liked my art. It was definitely an experience. I would like to continue doing cons as much as I possibly can with the amount of leave I actually have. lol. Its tiring but the payout is pretty rewarding for me at the least. Got sponsored a booth for a League of Legends even back home shortly after. That was something. 

Did a bunch of art for charity artbooks and drives. Started doing Twitch assets commission for all them amazing up and coming streamers.

Boothed for the first time in Singapore and on the biggest convention of the year in KL, Comic Fiesta. 

 Oh! I also did art for a playmat and alt card for a Game of Thrones card game. I feel like the playmat is super trash though. Could've been so much better if I didn't suck so much. I'm pretty content and proud of RoC actually. Heck the stained glass thing took longer than expected but its so good. 

HOLY HECK. I had a crazy art year wtf. 

Oh and I also start playing DnD and it's like the best thing in the world! Here's my precious baby girl Nyarla that's forever failing her sanity rolls because the only thing she's ever good at is running away or towards trouble. Shoot first ask questions later. :3

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Now for the heavier topics.

I started the year pretty sure and content with the way things were. I was making compromises I thought I was okay with making and for a long time it was. It felt like the relationship was smooth sailing and things were okay and going great. No big arguments. No issues on both sides of the family. Everything seemed like it was going swell. 

I honestly dont know what went wrong. He left for Berlin for 3months and within that time frame a lot of things happened.  I will not deny the fact that there are things that have been lingering at the back of my mind for the longest time and back then it has been brought up time and time and somehow I understand it is difficult for a person to change their ways and who they are. I was pretty tired of being a broken record. 

I had time to think about the things I really wanted in life and the things I wanted to do and whether I would want to drag this person along with me. Truth be told, I didn't and I was pretty sure about it. That wasnt all that broke the entire thing down though. He came back from Berlin after a month of not allowing me to be there for him when I knew things were rough and in all honestly I hd stopped giving a shit after that. Clearly I no longer have the patience of the people who take my care for granted and the fact that I've said it multiple times to him has made it pretty clear that if he didn't want me around so be it. I get I probably sound pretty fucking unreasonable right now but I have wasted too much time and effort caring for people that didn't deserve any of it at all. Frankly, I'm quite done. 

Ok. He came back with the confidence of asking me when we wanted to get married and I'm not going to lie that shit hit me like a truck. It dawned to me that in the past month of time to myself and thinking I realize I didn't want to get married. I didn't like the idea of letting this person own me. And so I freaked out a lot, I didn't know how to handle the situation and it was pretty messy. He wasn't a bad person, heck, he is a great fucking guy but maybe things ran dry and got really fucking complacent and boring and I can't continue living like this. Things were safe and routine with him and sometimes I guess there is comfort in that but as of now and the way I'm running my life, I dont really want that. I guess things were just boring with him and maybe some girls like that. I don't want to blame things on the complacency that comes with every relationship but somehow it is what it is.

Things were hard for the last month or so. It felt weird to be on the other end of the relationship, being the one to call things off. It was really hard to be with him and try. I felt my body react to touch the way I never knew it could, it scared me. I figured it was better to do it now than later. Time was weird and I kinda had to loiter and wait around for the right time to pull the plug. It was a long hard weekend of CF2017 and it was definitely full of disappointments I no longer wanted to deal with.

Shortly after heading back to Singapore, we had a nice lil dinner and well the words were hard. It was a long talk but it came to an understanding and we kind of went our separate ways. It wasnt a bad break up, actually the most calm one I've had. It feels as though I was being selfish and I probably was.

So I walked out of that two year run with a great guy. He has done plenty for me. 

It felt really shitty to do it. It was very unfair for him. But I made my choice and after the weekend of CF I felt as if I was very much done with all the disappointment and promises people have been throwing at me. I could easily tell him I needed space but I feel like I needed to walk away from this one as it was getting harder and harder for a lot of other things besides just that. I gave it a shot dating a guy who smokes and clearly I didn't like the idea of spending my life waiting for someone to finish their cigarette. A lot of things didn't quite fit and it just felt like I should just throw in the towel instead of trying to change a person to be who he isn't.

It honestly felt like a weight was lifted. Maybe the idea of marriage really did put a dent in what I thought was a smooth sailing relationship as I come to my senses that I could possibly be very much afraid of that level of forever commitment. Maybe it was the amount of compromise I was willingly doing for the past few years and suddenly dawned to me that I was not willing to do it for life. Feels too soon to cage myself to this level of commitment. Its crazy that a couple of years back I was okay with the idea of marriage, obviously without much thought to anything else beyond what was surface level stuff and assuming itll be as normal as any other normal shit in life would be. 

I dont really know. 

Told myself I wouldnt make a quick switch this time round but I feel like somewhere deep down I probably already have.

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Life's a little weird right now. I think I'm quite okay with where things are and where I am. Slightly more comfortable in my own skin. A lot more aware of what makes people a friend and what doesnt. Listening to my gut more often than just second guessing that sorry bugger and doing things I think is "right".

I'm honestly very tired of making people stay in my life when they clearly don't want any part of it and have made it a point to walk away from these people the moment I see it. I don't think its unfair for them that I decidedly "punish" them for their complacency in being in one's life. In all honesty if you wanted a person in your life to keep you wouldn't need to be told to do the things needed to do to keep up with that said person. 

I'm pretty sure I've become very unforgiving to a lot of things that I once brushed off as humans being humans and therefore this behavior should be forgive and given a second, third, forth shot. I have never sat down and thought about it but I have one too many times let these people constantly fuel the disappointment I so feared in letting people into my life and allowing them the liberty of making me the promises they obviously will not and can not keep. I'm pretty sure there are times where I've made promises I have not been able to keep and have disappointed a handful of people that depended on me. I do not speak as if I'm some perfect higher being and maybe my expectations of people have become extremely unrealistic.

I'm just very fucking tired. 

___________________________________________________________

Thats about it I guess.

I made a lot of leaps of faith this year with my art and couldn't have done it without the nudging of my friends. I'm pretty glad I made those leaps that lead to cooler things. 

I guess I was arting better than I was doing anything else with my life for the entire year because everything else seems to be in a big pile of mess as of now. 

More cool stuff next year I guess. ;3

Cheers.

Rach.

** Two Hundred and Seventy Five **

I think it's high time I updated after almost a year or so. So a quick update on what has been going on with my life from the last post.

I started at a local studio in KL as a concept artist and the work was exciting as a first job kind of thing. As the months pass, it felt a little more directionless and a lot of the work wasn't leading anywhere fruitful or even close to worth the time I may have to put in to even get anywhere near done. It was initially a contract job and I'd be on for a couple of months but they kept extending the contract over and over again without really hinting on whether they'd offer me a full time position or not which was kind of annoying. I did one year in that company and decided it was time to split and just do my own thing for a bit. I left not because the work place was shit, but because the project felt like a waste of my time. The people I met are extremely talented and amazing to work with. The seniors there were super helpful. It was a great experience working there nonetheless.

I remained a freelancer for about 5minths before I moved on to a new job. Discovered the joys of social media and community building. And people willing to pay for my art.

I am currently back in Singapore working as an animator at a casino company. It's nothing fancy but the pay is good, boss is great, work is pretty chill and I get plenty of time sometimes to do my own thing.

Now for matters of the heart.

Last I left the situation was probably close to where things were in hell and were falling apart as it is. I cannot put to words how fragile and insecure I was back then and it took a lot. He didn't want to officially break it off for whatever reason and wanted to "try". It was made pretty clear after a couple of pushes and talking with my friends that I really didn't need anymore of this bullshit. As much as I make it sound really easy here, it took a lot for me to break it off. No doubt the weeks that follow felt like absolute shit and it was probably one of my worst. I was constantly breaking down at work and needed friends to talk to to just keep things off my mind. I was quite a wreck. But I'm pretty sure it was a good decision to do so.

I went through my working days on top of the break downs and comforting chats from one old n close friend from college and another from a random night breakdown chatter. It was hard but I am thankful. Then to ask myself am I moving wayyyyyy too fast with this. I just got out and am going through this breakdown n recovery and already after another?

Long story short. My break up was hell but I needed it.

There was a time where I'd write nice things bout my NOW ex-boyfriend. Of happiness n how proud I am. And I guess it's a sad vicious cycle. I am aware more than ever that maybe this happiness I have now is also temporary. Maybe it isn't.

I'm dating this amazing guy. Self driven in so many ways he doesn't even know it. A little bit of an asshole but who isn't. The most affectionate and supportive person. And does a mighty fine job taking care of me too. Slightly stubborn and half the time doesn't listen. He's an artist. And he smokes. A lot. Took us awhile to set things up and take things seriously but we finally did. It was one of the best decisions I've made in my life.

Holy shit I'm hungry at 12am. Do I wanna eat n get fat?

I owe a lot of my growth to him and the company of people I'm surrounded with because of him. I hate socializing a lot. I honestly think if people want to hang out with you they will and you don't need to invite yourself. But I could be entirely wrong.

And that's about it I guess. I do like this time capsule of a blog I have. And u plan to keep it that way.

Toodles,
Rachel.

** Two Hundred and Seventy Four **

It's been months. I've graduated. Done some part time work. Now back home on a 6months contract. 

Pretty happy with my job so far. Being a concept artist is pretty fun I must say. Even if I'd work on my own time on a lot of things, I'd say work is enjoyable for now. It's only been the first week. So we'll see where that goes.

Excited for a project once more. Instead of dragging myself through a project because I need to graduate. It feels nice as an artist. Looking forward to greater learning experiences.

__________________________________

Yanked out my wisdom tooth couple days back and have been hurting for a few days straight now. I have one more to surgically remove after I have healed and then I would have removed all four of my wisdom teeth. 

I'm too wise for my own good. 

___________________________________

It's been hard. I've been scared. And the fact that I don't know anything sucks. I just know he's busy and I shouldn't bother him. I'd sit here n wait for whenever. And often times whenever never comes. 

It makes me feel so...unappreciated.

I'd often times be there to respond to messages because I made a point to do so. And maybe have put a certain someone way too high on the priority list than he deserves cuz obviously he doesn't do the same for me. 

It makes a difference how preoccupied he is with his other social groups than he is with me. How he would wake up knowing I've been wanting to talk to him but not text me the remaining of the entire day. Everything else is more important.

I just...don't feel like...I'm of any importance in his life anymore. Like I'm just trying to squeeze myself back in when obviously he doesn't want that anymore. 

And he just constantly give me excuses after excuses of why I have to be considerate of how he's feelings but he doesn't have to bat an eye about mine. Like as if I don't have any. Or I am expected to just keep them to myself.

** Two Hundred and Seventy Three **

Three years. My journey in LASALLE as a growing artist is finally coming to an end and I must say I have definitely grown as an artist and as an individual during my studies there. I spent three years in that place and that is all I can say. Legit. I am glad I am graduating. There is not greater bliss. I've struggled and pulled myself back up through break down after break down and honestly have never seen myself push myself so hard.

The sad part was I felt my passion die. I felt it fade. Like I was sick of doing it after these three years. I was that enthusiastic excited young animator that loved the projects I was handed and went all out to do it as I wanted. I am graduating as a matured artist built to please mostly others.

I gotta take a break from the routine I guess.

I've been through shit where people aren't nice and people are not as forgiving as they proclaim they are. But I guess I dont really wanna keep people like that in my life anyway. The last year was a pain for me, not because of the stress but because I have never felt so alienated in my life. Yes. I prolly had a bit of problems fitting in back in school which I never understood. I was always that awkward kid that tries really hard to be a part of a group but they never really honestly took me as part of them. Like this sense of belonging that I was never meant to have, ever, in my life.

But I'm graduating. I'll never see these people again. Maybe parting wouldn't be so hard then.

People come and go.
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I make a point to bring this up that in my three years here I have matured a hell lot. I have grown so much I cannot handle it. The vast majority question my taste in men. The vast majority question my decisions and why am I still in this dysfunctional relationship.

I wouldn't call it dysfunctional.

A lot of good things take time. I honestly think we are growing together. I know I grew.

After that little incident, I cant bring myself to step fully back into the relationship. I dont find the stability I need in a relationship with him gong about partying with his party pals. Even if I'd rather not conform to the stereotypes of "people who club are trouble" idea. Thats what it rubs off on everyone else and everyone is waiting for him to someday fuck it all up. Honestly I am in no position to stop him from doing what he likes. Even if at this moment in time he makes it look like he has to get my permission for everything or every outing he wants to go to.

I'd love to say no. Then it makes me look like a kill joy. Like as if I'm some controlling girlfriend.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but why would you go call another girl "pretty" when you're in a relationship? Call it jealousy or paranoia but I dont think any guy in a relationship should be throwing out compliments to other girls under the jurisdiction of "being nice". No shit you're being nice. You're feeding her bloody ego. And you dont even call your girlfriend pretty unless she dresses up for a random day when she feels like it. Not that I'm one to need to be showered with compliments. But seriously. "Being nice" is not a legit reason.

I believe he is still a kid and has a lot to learn. Yeah. He claims he has matured and know more about life than I probably have. But his actions would say otherwise. It is not a case of me trying to mold and change him in hopes that he eventually becomes my ideal guy. Thats not gonna happen. It just saddens me that the people closest to him that should have the most believe in him dont give two cents about him anymore.

I wouldn't say that I have not been emotionally scarred going through this relationship. I've been to hell and back and still standing.

It hurts not just emotionally but it takes away bits and piece of confidence you thought you had and self value and respect. It hurts til today to know you can merrily throw out  sexual innuendos with slut face and challenges to her like as if you weren't in a relationship with me at all. It hurts to know you answered the question of whether you found me pretty with a "nahhh~ she's just cute"

"Just cute?!?!"

Am I honestly that plain of a person that you have nothing better to describe the "love of your life" than "just cute" ???

Because your level of pretty is plastic and blogfaced.

Here they say you cannot fix the broken. And he has bunch of friends that are proud of being broken.

Excuse you. But I wouldn't be proud of a broken light bulb in my house. Neither should you.

A lot of things are different now. The way I see this relationship is different. I dont know where exactly this would go. By the looks of things it may be for the long run or it may not but he's definitely not there yet if he plans on marrying me.

If my future husband is even half the man of what my father is I'd be content enough.

Dating younger guys is definitely a whole new meaning of babysitting.

Sorry. Not pretty. Just cute.

I can honestly say I am not fully on board this ship yet. I am still scared. Scared that someday he'll throw me out again. Make me feel unwanted and make me feel completely worthless about myself. Scared that someday he might decide that he has had enough and decide to break it off just because I had a bad day and took it out on him.

Some days I think I should date a sponge.

Then he tell me he thinks I'm more compatible with one of his friends. I don't know if your friends have bro codes but I do and you don't date your friend's ex. Its just weird and wrong on so many levels. But in all honesty I feel like I don't really know if the relationship is worth the long run.

I'm hoping it is and praying it doesn't slap me in the face.
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I went through a surge of anger this morning. Not because a random stranger fucked up my day. I can't stand it how two faced some people can be in life. I get bothered by it. I shouldn't have given a fuck about dressing up for halloween if they were gonna just be bitches about it and do such things. Like dont freaking pretend like you actually am ok with hanging out with me after that incident and happily take photos as the three of us and them cover up my face like you didn't want me in the picture but you felt the obligation to do so because you wanted to be nice.

Excuse you.

I would've taken your request to not have me in the picture. I didn't force myself into the picture. You wanted to take the three of us and then have the audacity to cover up my face.

One of the better decisions I've made in the past year was not wanting to belong anywhere.

And definitely not wanting to be part of your parade.

Someday. Some where. I am a unicorn rare shiny pokemon to someone. N he'll love me for life when he chooses me. It just doesn't feel that way at the moment.

Maybe its just me.
________________________________________________________________________________

It was nice today to be one of the guys. Or at least hang out with them.

Then I realized. A vast majority of people that honestly cared are guys, not because they wanna get in my pants, but they honestly care and often times made sure I was safe. I never really realize how nicely I have surrounded myself with lil knights in tin foils that provide me daily bits and pieces of happiness that will suffice for the day.

Then I also realized. My girl friends never cared. They never bothered.

Which brings me to my point. I feel extremely sad about it. Not because girls dont give a shit about me. Or the girls that were close to me never really gave a shit about me anyway. I have always wanted a girl bestfriend. A friend I would keep forever and have this amazing unbreakable bond that no matter how far we were we'd still be the bestest of friends and no one could challenge that.

Dreams will be dreams.

I find myself more bonded with boys than girls. Maybe because I have grown tired of all the back stabbing and cat fighting girls do. I'm tired of how comparative they are and how shitty I would feel being the ugly duckling in the lot. I've grown sick of conversations that don't strike my interests or anything I honestly care about because I don't care about trends or make up or girl stuff. I have honestly given up on trying to fit in and have proper girl conversation when somedays I wanna just discuss fetishes and porn with some people and every fucking girl just denies the fuck out of watching porn. Like its a taboo. Stop pretending you slut faces. You've all read fifty shades of grey. Don't fucking tell me porn is disgusting and fetishes are weird. Some days I just wanna talk bout weird stuff like cars and games and girls stare at me like they dont fucking know what I'm talking about because its not stuff that they are interested in.

So here's me. Happy with all the boys that have pulled through and survived days and days of mental and physical torture with me. Happy with all the boys that have kept me safe, took me as a bro and still did the gentlemanly thing when the time requires it to be such. Happy with all the boys open enough to talk about porn, sex and fetishes like it wasn't taboo but just another topic of discussion. Happy for all the boys that had my bad and understood my hate of being a girl and its monthly issues and came to my aid without a second thought or a cringe. Happy with all the boys that understand that I dont mind being treated like one of the guys, that I can be conversed with like a bro and be your wing man if needed. Happy with all the silly stuff you guys actually do among yourselves with or without me.

Happy for all the boys that walks me home/drives me to my door step.

Happy for all the boys that were caring enough to be a shoulder I could lean on with school was shit and I was going through many breakdowns.

Happy for all the boys that took me as a bro.

Who the fuck needs girl friends. Lol. I have Knights in tin foil.

** Two Hundred and Seventy Two **

One month into 2015 and I'm already dreading the rest of the year if its gonna keep spiraling for the worst. I have been emotionally unstable. I have psychologically toss, twisted and shredded into pieces. I am a ticking time bomb.

I probably have myself to blame. I have the entire world calling me stupid now for the choices I have decided to make but I honestly believe I made the right choice.

I came back to Singapore in January to continue my final semester and who knew things would spiral out of control so quickly. For the past year, I was honestly not aware of how selfish and insensitive I was to my significant other. I honestly thought everything was going okay, even if he said he dropped me hints. So, I came back ti Singapore greeted with the news of another girl. No. He didn't really cheat I guess. I wouldn't call it that. He told me he had lost all feelings for me and had developed feelings for this other girl. Hit me like a truck. Though then it honestly felt like I was at fault for how badly our relationship fell. I understood we were both at faults.

He told me, " you're too good for me"

I couldn't understand the logic. If you have someone too good for you why would you let that person go. It was a weird excuse which I figured was a easier way to settle things with a closure than without one. So I was tosses back and forth for a bit. We got back together thinking we could still fix this. I honestly believe we could. I honestly did.

But I was never the same.

I became very scared. Scared of a lot of things. And suddenly everything that he never told me, he told me. Not that I cannot take criticism, rejection and hate. But when they all come crashing in on you like consecutive pistol shots right through you, it becomes a painful ordeal. I'm okay with being strong. But I honestly started to crumble because I was scared of losing him again. For whatever wrong that I did and didn know I even did. I was insecure and constantly think some girl thats giving him the attention might take him away someday when I turn my back. I didn't know what to do. But I know I was crumbling.

I have never cried so much in such a short period of time.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm actually making the same mistake as I did the last time. Making someone stay when they obviously don't want me anymore. Then they'll slowly and gradually edge away from me. I wouldn't even know what happened cuz in the back of my mind I was trying to make it work. Maybe he is trying, I honestly just need someone to hug me and tell me everything will be okay cuz I dont know where to get that reassurance.

I have never practiced a tit for tat sorta thing. But some people do I guess.

There are a lot of things I don't do. Honestly, in the past month I've been doing. It honestly hurts that of all the wrongs I've done he can't find a single right things I've done. Its heartbreaking. I'm starting to feel like a doormat. I've actually apologized instantaneously at situations and calmed down faster than I thought I could ever before fights got worst. I have never given in to someone so much.

But I guess it wasn't good enough.

Another thing I have never done in front of a person was admit I'm scared. I have never honestly shown vulnerability cuz I've never liked it. But I honestly needed to get this off my chest cuz it was bothering me and keeping it bottled up inside is not doing me any good. I honestly thought he had the right to know how the situation made me feel. Maybe I should not have said some things that I sorta of blurted out without thinking. And I apologized for that. But I will not ask for an apology if he's not going to give one. he should know he wronged me. I opened up and it took a lot of me to open to and honestly tell someone I am honestly scared of losing them. That every text from another girl makes me scared. That every waking moment I wonder how long your feelings for me would last this time before they fade again.

I was so scared.

"Fine. Stop trying then."

He stomped off. He left me on the streets after opening up to him of how scared I was of losing him. H stormed off and I just stood there crying. Hoping he'd actually look back. Told myself if he doesn't I'll just find my way back and cry myself to sleep. He didn't look back. I literally told him how scared I was of losing him and it felt like I was hopelessly watching him walk away from me just because I told him that.

He told me he was looking for a bus stop.  He told me he didn't know I wouldn't follow.

I guess its better to keep things bottled up then.

Honestly I think I deserved an apology. Not because I apologized for the shitty things I shouldn't have brought up. But because he just left me to cry on the street.

"Doesn't feel good does it?"

I repeated myself three times before he caught on that he left me there in tears. But hey.

His feelings were the one that faded not mine. How is it that I feel like I'm being punished for loving someone unconditionally and dealing with the good and the bad. Now people are calling me stupid for trying so hard to a point I'm literally going to be emotionally broken. People are telling me he's no longer worth my time. People are telling me he doesn't make me happy anymore when I'm obviously in all honestly in so much pain.

I honestly don't know if it is all worth.

I honestly don't know what I'm doing anymore.

I don't know who I am dating anymore. I can be a stubborn person that never backs down from a fight. But I am honestly proud of myself, even if he doesn't see that I've been backing down from fights. Its not fair that I deal with all his shenanigans and he can tell me he doesn't wanna deal with me attitude. I'm sorry but we all have good and bad days. I'm only human.

People are calling me stupid.

I'm not stupid.

I know I'm not.

Rach.