** Thirteen **

Post number 13 on Friday the 13th. Heh. Okay. e-PPDa...gosh we made so much noise the day we went to do the powerpoint. We were practically laughing our heads off man!! I know...typical st marians...cannot shut up. XD. Pn. Raja Aslina!!! I LOVE YOU!! Man she's so niceeee...so sweeeeet...i really wouldn mind her being my mum...<3.>< i went into class today to get my bag and Ramya passes me my paper saying she thinks i deserve a better mark. But really it was kinda low for my average...lawls. Ah...my handwriting sucks. It'll always start out neat and every nice and as i get excited when i write it becomes just scribbles. It was a few grammaticaly mistakes. Most of it was my fugly handwriting. Curses. Anyway i already told my parents i'd screw up my midterms. Woots!!! I love literature!! By far it was the easier =X besides english. Wahahahaha. I wonder how long are my posts...xD
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my modem's still busted so i can't do anything about it. It's only about 5000characters. How long could it be?!! Yea i know i'm a crapper. Well, i'm kinda trying real hard not to piss my mum off. For once i'm trying. Or maybe it's jus so in case i need to go out somewhere she wouldn be in the way. One way or another...at least i'm doing something to bridge the gap. Heh...guess where i am right now?! I'm on the roof. Thinking. Staring. Wondering. Daydreaming. Typing. Breathing. Sitting. My mum would kill me if she knew i was here. This has officially become my place to think. My space. Since my room isn't much of my space. It's more of like my horizontal closet...heh...
*******
okay. I've realized. I suck at directed writing. It's like...why the hell did you put me in a box when writing is about expressing yourself through your compositions. I get so many critics at home sayin my stories are lame. And in comes Pn.Judy and my classmates to make me feel happy about my writting. <3. Love ya lots...^^ outs~

** Twelve **

It feels like the first day of school once more. I practically dragged myself out of bed. Force down my breakfast. Struggle to keep my eyes open. I just realized i did the stupidest thing after a saw my add math paper and for once i was the one that said my marks could've been higher. Well i got back my chemistry and add math today. And am still keeping that whole "i've never failed in my life" thing. Lol. Not like it meant anything. I was out of class for the whole day. Not like there was any studying. Heh. Spent the morning dealing wit tat "lady" and den to phantom. Seriously i forgot all de steps ade. After what i earned yesterday in the train, maybe i should find just one day and sit in the train and draw. And soon ppl from everywhere would ride the train just to get my drawings. Hahaha dream on la rachel keep dreaming. But it was a nice thought. Heh. In that way i don't even need to pay rents or bills or taxes for if i'd own a shop. Hahaha. I need the internet back man....i'm hallucinating already. And i need to get a bigger scanner since the one at home only scans up to A4. Which means all my current drawings on the artblock cannot be scanned. I wonder if my rents have bigger scanners in their offices...lol. Den jus go there and scan. XD. I keep dropping my stuff today. Morning dropped my thumbdrive, toothbrush, shoes. In school dropped my bottle twice, pencil case. Went home dropped my thumbdrive, books, artline pens. Lol i fell oso today. Well i wanted to type dropped myself but...it sounded wrong. I can't view the cbox from my hp so u ppl will jus have to wait for my reply. Hydde's not around for the week...whuhuhu...okay i'm being retarded.
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i don't care if you read this, blueberry. you should be honoured i dedicated a partion of my posting to you. i'm gonna get to the point now. blueberry you bitch. don't you have anything better to do than create false accusations. so what if my internet is down, how stupid are you to think Hydde will not be able to contact me. blueberry, go get a life la girl. don't go and tell Hydde lies about me. stop being a pain in my ass.
*********
FYI PPL...she went and told Hydde that she knew me since kindergarten n that we've been bestfriends since then.she said that i'm a playgirl and keeps changing bf.and that i have a current hobby which is to "collect" boys and toy with their emotions.she says that i have a long list of past bf that i went from one to another after i got bored.she said i was lying about being able to draw n play the guitar.according to her it's my scam to win his heart and break it later.she told i wouldn care about anything but myself.oh the vanity.worst comes to worst she even told Hydde that i think he's a snobish spoiled stupid brainless rich kid with no other abilities but make other ppl feel poor.then she went and said how entirely different she was from me.and how she put up with all my changes since kindergarten cuz i'm her "bestfriend".but she says she's gettin tired of all the boys hearts i'm breakin and decides to make a change for the better.
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WTF RIGHT!?!! wow my whole post bout her...fuck. First of all i think the biggest insult is on Hydde not me. I mean, you can tell if they're besties or not. How stupid did she think Hydde was!!!! (omg.i'm defending Hydde.) but seriously man. I don't have a long list of past bf. I only had one and it was like a long long long long time ago and that one was jus like for the sake of it not like owh i really love you and stuff. I was utterly speechless when i heard her man. Lol. Erm. Well i was eavesdropping actually. It's called 3 way calling. But i kept quiet. XD. Argh!!! How dare she say that about ME!! I'm no where close to a playgirl la, bitch. Stop being such a despo and move on with your life la. Why you hanging around in the past. Damn it i'm so pissed right now. One day happy, one day angry, one day happy, one day angry. Tomorrow i'll be happy....i hope...heh... I have EVERY RIGHT TO KICK THAT GIRL'S ASS ALL THE WAY TO THE SUN. Let her feel the burn.

** Eleven **

Gah!! After what happened yesterday, i feel...erm...okay. I guess. Gosh it's the end of the holidays. It's back to waking up at 5a.m. for most of up. Staying back for koko. Homework. Teachers. Prefects. Recess. Well all in all at least there's friends to look forward to. Lol. I wonder if i did leave out any homework. Heh. Most definately i did. I know i will. Maybe when my modem gets repaired i need to organize my post again. Or maybe i'll be too lazy to do so. Ahhh...i'm happy i'm me.
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Guess what!! I spent the whole day out today. I did have to deal with my mum again. But i tried this time. Not to scream. To be cool calm collected. XD. And i did apologize yesterday although i don't know what i did wrong. I figured it's better to say it at least making my mum feel a bit better. I talked to her today as well. Without getting into a fight. Believe me it wasn't easy. Suddenly, i feel as if i needed to patch the holes i made in the past. So, i had the whole day out. Had as much fun as i did yesterday. The last two days of my holiday. This round my mum reluctantly fetched me to train station after tuition. She don't like it actually. To her it's like kinda dangerous in a way. But she let anyway. Then i waited for Hydde and Aer. We go KLCC. Heh. I had to get to the other station to wait for them. And guess what!! I made RM25. Hahaha. Actually i kinda had my artblock with me thinking i'd get inspired on the train or something and i did. I saw the cutest little girl. She had like real big doll like eyes. She practically look like a doll. So cute!! And she was with her mum. Duh... She was staring out the window opposite. From her reflection i started drawing. And well it didn really turn out like her. I kinda turned it to anime. Lol. I got a shock when i saw her sittin beside me. She asked n i told her i was drawing her. And she told her mum. Lawls. I tot her mum was gonna kill me for it. She end up offering me money for that drawing. Speechless much. I wanted to just give it for free since she wanted it. I'm being humble la actually. Heh. But she paid me 25bucks anyway. Then i met up wit Hydde and Aer. Started la the crapping. The two like ten thousand years din see me liddat. Running to me. Well, if there weren't ppl like that it sure would be hell of a bore. Half way there i hungry. So i ask for icecream. Lawls. First thing Hydde ask was whether i brought my wallet or not. He was suppose to buy what, so why should i bring. Den i think Aer got sick of the two of us. heh he gimme sweet. We're like the noisiest in the train la. Got ppl shush us but.....no effect. I tell you we all talk until we almost forgot to leave the train. The door wan close only we all running out. The ppl inside must be rejoicing ade when we left. Lol. Sheila!!! Gosh i tot she din come so i didn like wait. I see everyone come ade, including Apple, WengYan, Mimi, and er...yea...bloody Hydde went and ask blueberry(his fangirl from camp btw) to come. So i saw her and i had to contain my laughter all the way. She was like stuck to Hydde for the whole day. I think if she can go into the toilet with him she'll follow. Haih. She don't follow Hydde, she come stick to me. Dunno what crap she talk oso. She's trying to act all smart and artistic and funny. But i don't think it's working. And it gets so freakin irritating when practically she repeats whatever i say. OMG, David, thank you so much la man. Lol David went and told blueberry, Hydde isn't interested in girls. I was watching from behind. At that time Hydde was like fussing over what a stupid name to name a shop "GIRLS". Sheila and i laughed like hell la. Den guess what blueberry did...she came and stick with ME now. Out of no where she ask whether i was a lesbian. Oo. I heard you laughing, Hydde!! I seriously didn't know how to put my words. I mean the question hit me like a bullet. I jus blinked. Lol. I started to think whether blueberry was a lesbian now tat she figured Hydde is gay. Omg la...i dun wan her!!!! Damn it!! Hydde i'll seriously kill you for bringing her!!! She stuck to me the whole time...TT i wan talk to Apple jie oso cannot. Sheila wan talk to me oso cannot. Bloody hell la. She like some super sticky gum stuck at the bottom of my shoe. We went to Starbucks. Leg tired ler. They sit and drink. Hydde take me go buy ice cream!! XD. Thank you so muchie!! He like made sure there was no nuts. N he actually brought me to all the ice cream available stores there. Lol. He end up buyin McFlurry for me. ^^. Well, better than nothing wat. blueberry sure go green ade.Lol.Nvm la. De gay is buying for a girl la no big deal la. Lawls. The two of us fighting over tat one pathetic McFlurry all the way back to Starbucks. Everyone stare one kind. Got tat cheeky smile on their faces. I was more than overjoyed when blueberry had to go. But i acted sad anyway. Hydde stuck to me for the rest of the day. Went back around 7. Take train. Noisy in de train agn. Meet up mum. Silence.

** Ten **

I'm being so fucked up and pissed right now. So here goes...i don't see why my parents teach me all this moral values and stuff when THEY themself don't do it. When i want to go out somewhere i fill up a form of the W.H. questions. I have to work my pants off just for a few hours out. And i'll leave de earliest or maybe so la. And everytime my mum comes and pick me up she gives me this pissed off face. That makes ME pissed off as well. And she'll jus start shouting at me like fucking shit's business. Then she'll shut up reaching the car and act all innocent. FUCKING HELL RIGHT?! Den my dad will think i'm pissed off for some reason. And he'll ask me to be polite to my mum. When i want to go out jus for hours i work my ass off. And most of the time it doesn work. But when it comes to their piece of shit which I practically DON'T CARE they drag me out on time. Owh fuck this shit. She's scolding me right now. These are one of the many reasons why i hate my life. Why i'm so emo. Why i'm shutting myself from them. I'm jus glad she didn see de guys. Fucking hell if she did...i'll have a bigger beating. Haih.
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Somehow everything that i say is wrong to my mum. Everything i do is never enough. Does she expect me to be miss perfect barbie puppet?! Fact is i'm not like that. And i think she needs to realize that i'm getting old by the minute. And i need my freedom. Everytime i see not jus my friends but my cousins, i'm like WTF is wrong with my life man. I've never experienced not even a quarter of the things they have. I've never seen not even a speck of what they have seen. And i'm supposed to be 16 this year. I feel as if i'm still 12, sitting for my UPSR. It's not that i really bother if i go out or not at that time. But now i'm getting to feel like a caged bird. Like the cage now bared more chains that it has ever bared. As if the chains were gaining as the days go by. How long. How long are you gonna keep me in here. If your fear of my falling when i flap my wings adds to the chains, what good does it make for me. When i grow up. I'll live with that same silly fear. And i'll never fly high. Why can't you just hand me the key. Unlock all the chains. Open the cage. And let me go. I will come back. Why do you have to make me go to the stage where i have to go kicking and screaming to get out.
*******
I'm really sorry. Maybe i wasn't the daughter you've always wanted. I'm sorry. Maybe you'd want to disown me. Really that's fine. I'm sorry. That i can't be who you wanted me to be. I'm sorry. I just can't put myself to change me. I like me. I'm sorry. I do say the wrong things. I'm sorry. I think out loud. I'm sorry. That i find it hard to talk to you. I'm sorry. I can't be perfect. I'm sorry. I'm not perfect. I'm sorry. I brought shame to your name. I'm sorry. I'm hot tempered. I'm sorry. I'm not patient. I'm sorry. I'm not the girly daughter you wanted. I'm sorry. My whole closet's full of black. I'm sorry. I disobeyed. I'm sorry. I yelled. I'm sorry. I sweared. I'm sorry. I screwed everything up. I'm sorry. I'm anti-social. I'm sorry. I'm not pretty. I'm sorry. I'm not smart. I'm sorry. I'm not helpful. I'm sorry. I'm so hopeless. I'm sorry. I'm so useless. I'm sorry. I'm so lazy. I'm sorry. I'm irresponsible. I'm sorry. I'm a bad example for my sister. I'm sorry. I lied. I'm sorry. I faked it. I'm sorry. I'm not bothered. I'm sorry. I'm slammed the door. I'm sorry. I screamed. I'm sorry. I stopped talking to you. I'm sorry. I distanced myself away. I'm sorry. I made you cry. I'm sorry. I complain too much. I'm sorry. I couldn't control myself. I'm so sorry. Sorry for everything. My imperfections. My retardedness. My idioticness. My stupidity. My ignorance. My rudeness. Myself. Everything. I'm sorry. I can't be who you want me to be. I'm sorry i cannot live up to your expectations. I'm sorry.
If i am bringing that much hurt, maybe i should jus disappear. Let invisiblity do it's wonders. I'm sorry. (my bad.i'm emo-ing.crying as well. Emo bar filled to the brim. Overflowing)

** Nine **

Maybe it's just me. But i'm really sorry i screwed things up yesterday, Hydde.
I just blanked. I just kept saying the wrong things. Why i do not know...
I'm sure i pissed off some girl named Amber. She was really pissed at me. But hear me out Hydde, it was self defence and nothing else. She came and insulted me. I had to do something.
Then she prob went and told all her other pals. Watever that was, i didn want to know.
Hydde, maybe it's just not right. I feel so lost. I feel so confused. I feel so bare. Like i couldn breath.
I feel so out of place. Like i left earth n went to mars. Although i did do most of the talking.
I feel as if i wore a mask. I feel as if i was faking it. I feel as if it wasn't me yesterday night.
For now Hydde...i just need to breath.
I'm not mad at you. I'm mad at myself. I'm not blaming you. Really you're just......
Sigh...
I'm sorry. Hydde.
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okay. Internet still down. So posting on my phone.
Just finished tuition. Wat a drag.
There's this deep sense of regret in me.
Maybe i shudn't have met Hydde
Maybe i shudn't have befriended Hydde
Maybe i shudn't have went to tat camp
Gosh...
I'm floating falling into the abyss.
Someone save me

** Eight **

Well, i guess the internet at home is down.
So i'm gonna have to live without it for a while or so.
Which is kinda bad for my health since i practically live in front of the comp.
Oh the irony of life...
I wonder if my post turns out as i'd imagine in my blog.
I'm not exactly suffering without the comp actually. I'm doing pretty well without it.
It's jus sometimes it has become a must to go online 24 7.
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How is wish the internet isn't screwed up.
Cuz if it wasn't screwed, my mum wouldn be all bugging me. Disturbing me. Irritating me. Acting all purkey(>< im sure this is not de correct spelling) n stuff.
Which I cannot stand.
It's bad enough she's my mum n now she's trying to be a cheerlearder!!
Basically my mum needs to get a life n get off my back.
She's like squashing me wit that enormous...
She nags at me 24 7
Girl, why don't you start wearing skirts
Girl, why can't you sit like a girl
Girl, don't slouch
Girl, don't talk so loud
Girl, why don't you let your hair grow
Girl, don't you have anything better to do than sit in front of the comp
Girl, how many times do i have to tell you not to use de word "damn"
Yeah, as you can see i definately took a beating today. N there is no where for me to let it all out but here.
First of, i know i am a girl. But times have changed and not all girls have to wear skirts n do make up n practically be a girly girl.
Okay, if you don't like the way i sit, don't look at how i sit. It's not like i slouch all the time. I do sit up straight when the occasion requests for it to be so.
It's not like i'm shouting. But you have to be considerate of some ppl who are partially deft. XD. Lawls. Scratch tat. I jus find it wrong for ME to speak softly. It jus feels like i'm so FAKE.
Like i said de comp is my life. Either live with that fact or die denying it.
Lawls. I don't see what's so bad about the word "damn" it's not like i said "fuck"...it's jus "damn". There's nothing especially rude about that word. So why can't i use it. Or maybe it jus comes out like word vomit xD
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Well, i'm headed off to Hydde's place in half an hour. For his mum's birthday something something.
Damn the holidays are almost over.
WTF have i been doing??
Lawls. NOTHING.
One minute, i'm dying to get back to school.
The other, i'm not. I want the holidays to last longer.
But then again maybe if the holidays get longer i'll end up resorting to jus watching tv, playing xbox, sleeping, eating, more sleeping, more eating. Lol.
After MONTHS not playing basketball, i finally returned. Played in the rain today. As usual, it was a blast or maybe i jus like playing wit H2O. Or maybe the rain today was acidic...lol. Ahhh...it burns it burns. Heh i'm being lame again.
Well i had a scolding for that as well. But that's normal considering the fact that my mum hates me coming back all soaked up.
"Mum, i can't get myself to soak up the sun but i'll gladly soak up the rain."
haih...
INTERNET!! COME BACK!!

** Seven **

i dont think anyone wants to know how much i suffered in johor

i seriously hate my cousins

those that are younger than me

start hitting me

giggling

taking me as some spit target

DISGUSTING!!!

and those older than me stares at me one kind

like

WTF is she doing here~

so i practically dread going back

owh yeah...

my grandma

she lectures me alot

about how i always wear black

according to her it's not a nice color

do i look like a person who would wear any other color?!

of pete's sake WTF is all my relatives pinching my cheeks

it's not cute anymore

maybe it was cute when i was little

but it aint anymore

i spend most of my time smsing the

TOP 3 SPAMMERS

of my inbox xD

Hydde starts in the morning

then Michelle comes

and at night Numbryk smses me

lol...hahahaha

so thank youuuuuu ppl for keeping me

er...awake...

just came back from well...POTO practise

im getting sick of this actually

i feel as if im doing nothing with my life xD

it's like i watch ppl go out

i watch ppl hang out

i watch ppl go to the movies

and i sit at home doing nothing

which im not saying is a bad thing

but its fun to go out once in a while

okay...i need to tell my mum face products give me pimples

they dont do me any good

cuz my mum keeps making me use them

and the pimples all start popping out

T^T

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i feel abit a drift nowadays

well

i've got to get permission

for Thursday

and

for Saturday

and if i cant come

it's my mum's paranoyal taking tol on my life

so i'm kinda killing myself here

i dont even know how to ask!!

owh yeah...those from "artsy" camp

those that wanted in on the video

AER's lookin for u guys

=X he's gonna get pissed if no one wants to show up

have u seen AER pissed?!?!

....

lol...neither have i

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haih. i have POTO practise tomorrow sia

and the day after tommorow too

somehow. i feel like dying rite now

im gonna jump off the roof soon

you know, i sat down thinking today

im 16 this year

WTF am i doing with my life?!

that's that

maybe i'm just waiting for it to end